So, Im gonna keep it short and simple. Lately I have come to terms with something that until now has seemed to be impossible to accept. I notice that I am not myself around my close friends and I put up this wall and this mask of toughness because i fear being rejected or having respect lost on me because of my real personality and way of acting.
I also notice that I show extreme resentment to those who act as if they dont care what anyone, even their friends, think of them.
But i know this resentment is only jealousy.
All of this ties in with one other thing. I have an urge to indulge in my abdl nature, yet the moment I consider it, I begin to hear a little voice in my head (not literally) say "whats the point? You're alone", so I just put the diaper down and sit at my computer or watch tv trying to take my mind off it.
Why is this related to my false personality? Because the real me uses friends as a medium to be who I am when I cant enjoy my abdl life. But lately i've noticed that I am no longer behaving like who I truly am. The absence of my best friend makes it more difficult because she gave me the strength and courage to be myself without fear of rejection, but she is no longer physically in the picture.
Who am I really?: I am a kind hearted guy, Im very boyish and childlike, Im a little girly not in the sissy kind of way but in the emotional kind of way, Im giggly im not gay but I am just a kid in the body of an adult (not in an immature way, more like a playful way).
Who do I pretend to be: This tough acting man who feels like he has to be brutally vulgar and not show any sense of sadness or emotional instability.
I use to be comfortable with myself, but now I feel like im denying myself my true personality, and with it my urge to even wear a diaper or act like a baby is fleeting. And not having any abdl friends to hang out with doesn't necessarily make it any easier.
Do I expect a response? Probably not, i just dont know where else I could post this and get it out of my head.
p.s. oops... I guess i couldn't keep it short... at least its simple.. I hope?