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Thread: I could use some marraige advice

  1. #1

    Default I could use some marraige advice

    I joined this community for several reasons, but mostly because I could really use some AB/DL tailored advice.

    I have been with my husband for twelve years now. I love him more than anything. When he came out to me as a cross dresser, I was thrilled because I have always been rather open-minded sexually and I found his cross-dressing to be very exciting and stimulating. When he told me he was an AB/DL I think I took it pretty well, was not disgusted or afraid, but curious and eager to nurture him. For many months, in the earlier part of our relationship, I was a happy to diaper, change, kiss, and cuddle him. It did not slow our sex life down at all, but fit into it. I was on cloud nine, deeply in love and happy.

    He began to encourage me to try wearing a diaper too, which I was uncomfortable with, but still curious and willing. About the second or third time he diapered me, I regressed easily and found bliss. While diapered up and wiggling with delight, I asked him innocently if he would always love me, the way small children do. Unfortunately, despite us having exchanged some ‘I love you’s already in our relationship, he yelled and admonished me harshly, asking me how dare I ask him such a loaded question, telling me he could never say such a thing, that no one loves anyone forever because it’s a physical impossibility; he was angry I’d asked, even cruel.

    Because I was truly in a regressed state, it shattered me mentally and emotionally. I didn’t want to have anything to with diapers after that, not anything at all. It completely turned all the joy I felt inside out.

    Things got worse after that. He started telling people, people that I didn’t trust, about his cross-dressing and AB/DL preferences. Despite being with him almost two years, this was apparently ok, even with his therapist. Oh, it was wrong of me when I told my friend who confronted me about it (who only did so because the people he told could not keep a secret). “It was HIS secret,” his therapist told me in a joint session. I was going insane, because I thought we were in this together, that it was OUR secret now. I was horrified that our relationship didn’t seem to have any significance. In regards to being able to want or enjoy anything AB/DL, it just pushed me back farther into that shell.

    Shortly after that he broke up with me. While we were broken up, he did many of the things we had talked about doing for the first time together…with someone else. At the time, everything was all my fault-- he felt I hadn’t been generous enough to give him what he wanted, so he looked for it elsewhere.

    During that time, nine years ago, I was in hell. I tried committing suicide, twice, but lived. My second suicide attempt knocked out a large part of my long term memory. Most of my childhood and teen years were gone (still are), all that was left were the previous three years, filled mostly with him, and he was gone. I cried every single day. Often. Eventually I became numb.

    During our time apart most of his family and friends betrayed him. Many of these friends had already abandoned me at the time that he had. He realized he’d made some pretty terrible decisions. Tentatively, he came back to me. Tentatively we rebuilt our relationship and our lives together and eventually married seven years ago. Eventually we had two beautiful children. I never recovered most of the memories I lost, and I remain pretty guarded emotionally. He never stopped his AB/DL, but I rarely diaper or change him. About six months ago, he approached me about having me become more involved about AB/DL again in the hopes that it would bring us closer the way it used to.

    I told him I was willing, but that I wanted to be babied sometimes too, and to do so I would have to take down the emotional walls I’ve put up. I told him that I would have to trust him the way I used to, the way I did earlier in our relationship. That I would need some reassurances from him so if I did something innocent, like ask if he’d always love me, that he wouldn’t hurt me.

    All that did was get me a lecture on how “I’m just playing word games,” so I asked him (trembling in my boots) point blank, if he would always love me. That just got me more of the same, and that he just wasn’t going to say it, if that was what I needed to hear. The best I got was, after two hours of trying to reason with him was, “I love you, and I want to believe I will always love you.” Cringing inside, I braced myself and told him straight faced but disappointedly that I didn’t feel ready to AB/DL again, and that I didn’t think he was really ready to for me too either. I told him I would think about it and continue to consider it. That was about two months ago, and I’ve been chewing on it ever since.

    So, what I want to know is, am I asking too much, to want to some reassurances before I get back into AB/DL again and really let down my guard again? How do I explain that my fulfilling my emotional needs by giving these reassurances isn’t some word game? I understand that part of what he gets is to feel loved and comforted, and I just want that too. I am open to any questions, advice or opinions.

  2. #2

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    No, you are not asking too much to want reassurances that what happened before won't happen again. In fact, it is downright reasonable for you to want to take steps to prevent it from happening this time around. What concerns me is that nowhere in this have you mentioned that HE wants to take steps individually or as a couple to make sure you don't re-experience the suffering that you went through before. Considering the horror you have been through that was triggered by a regression experience gone bad, he should be terrified at the thought of accidentally causing that to happen once again. However, instead of having concern for you, he is wrapped up in his own needs.

    I will conclude with this: he is not safe. Do not regress with him. Unless and until he works with you (and possibly a therapist) to make sure that you feel safe enough to regress, and perhaps have a backup plan in case something goes wrong, you absolutely shouldn't do this. I'm not normally one to tell someone to do or not do things, but considering how dire the consequence was when you were triggered last time, you need to steer clear of regression. What I would be concerned about in your relationship right now is why he is so adamant that you meet his needs while he has no concern for yours.

  3. #3

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    I think he just does not understand or consider that my emotional needs are reasonable.

    He does want to go to marriage counseling, but I feel he needs behavioral counseling instead.

    - - - Updated - - -

    As my husband and I are both busy professionals, and parents, I wish he would try to do more to grow as an individual. He is really a sweet and beautiful person, but he has some serious issues to overcome. I've tried to suggest he look for support online, as I'm doing now, but he just snorts and says "You can find anyone to agree with you online if you look hard enough."

    According to my therapists, I just have a very minor case of serious PTSD from the things that happened. I've done all I can on my own to move forward.

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    Quote Originally Posted by CycleChick View Post
    No, you are not asking too much to want reassurances that what happened before won't happen again. In fact, it is downright reasonable for you to want to take steps to prevent it from happening this time around. What concerns me is that nowhere in this have you mentioned that HE wants to take steps individually or as a couple to make sure you don't re-experience the suffering that you went through before. Considering the horror you have been through that was triggered by a regression experience gone bad, he should be terrified at the thought of accidentally causing that to happen once again. However, instead of having concern for you, he is wrapped up in his own needs.

    I will conclude with this: he is not safe. Do not regress with him. Unless and until he works with you (and possibly a therapist) to make sure that you feel safe enough to regress, and perhaps have a backup plan in case something goes wrong, you absolutely shouldn't do this. I'm not normally one to tell someone to do or not do things, but considering how dire the consequence was when you were triggered last time, you need to steer clear of regression. What I would be concerned about in your relationship right now is why he is so adamant that you meet his needs while he has no concern for yours.
    That's pretty much where I'm at, but he keeps hinting about it, and even a little petulant that things don't seem to be going anywhere... I don't really get how he just doesn't see on even a basic level that I can't join his fantasy if he can't join mine.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sumomoko View Post
    I don't really get how he just doesn't see on even a basic level that I can't join his fantasy if he can't join mine.
    I have to agree completely with cyclechick. It's not safe to regress with him and he only seems concerned with his own needs. I know how love is though... I wish you all the best in working through this...

    Personally, if he can't say I love you and I hope we stay together forever, I would reconsider the whole relationship... but I understand life is not that simple.

    Love and hugs,

    Mitchy

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyMitchy View Post
    I have to agree completely with cyclechick. It's not safe to regress with him and he only seems concerned with his own needs. I know how love is though... I wish you all the best in working through this...

    Personally, if he can't say I love you and I hope we stay together forever, I would reconsider the whole relationship... but I understand life is not that simple.

    Love and hugs,

    Mitchy
    Thanks Mitchy. I have never considered leaving him, and don't ever plan to. I think that's part of where some of my emotional fears lay, because he's always been the one that left, or ever threatened to.

    I suppose the truth is, when I actually confront my own emotions, is that I am just afraid, period. Afraid of losing all that I really know, and afraid of going back to the utter despair I felt when we were apart. If such a thing as true love exists, then I truly love him, and I really want solutions. I think he is depressed and needs counseling, and at the very least should seek self help, but it always turns into the "we need counseling" conversation. I think he needs counseling and maybe some behavior therapy as an individual for a while first. I suppose throwing AB/DL stuff on top of all is probably just clouding things...

  6. #6

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    Have you considered going to counseling yourself just to help you while you sort all this out?

  7. #7

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    Babies are supposed to love their mother's unconditionally, I guess my big baby doesn't... :/

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    Quote Originally Posted by CycleChick View Post
    Have you considered going to counseling yourself just to help you while you sort all this out?

    Yes, I have been to counseling, I have sought help from friends, family, books, and online, which now includes here. Part of me is still questioning myself, wondering what I could be doing to try harder/be better.

    I have suggested all of these things to him without much success. He doesn't have much family now that he talks to, and those who do are afraid of being too involved.

  8. #8

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    He's not *really* a baby, but rather an adult who regresses. Two entirely different things. And as an adult he should be far more concerned about your needs than he is.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by CycleChick View Post
    He's not *really* a baby, but rather an adult who regresses. Two entirely different things. And as an adult he should be far more concerned about your needs than he is.
    I can't say that I disagree, but I can't control him, only myself. So this is me, here, trying to make the best of things, looking for answers.

  10. #10

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    ADISC is a good place for that. I am also married, though we have no kids. My husband does not know about my diaper fetish. I didn't know myself until 7 months ago either. A traumatic therapy experience when I was 12 had made me repress it that thoroughly. Ironically, my husband had a prior girlfriend who was AB/DL and when she told him, he immediately broke up with her. His one problem with it was the diapers. He has become more and more a jerk about it over the years and it was intensely painful for me when I realized I was DL. For various reasons, not just the diapers, I want to leave him, but I cannot support myself at this point. I am looking for better employment and have made some awesome friends here on ADISC to help support me (and I them) while I wait to get out of my marriage. I am sure that you will make friends just the same.

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