I joined this community for several reasons, but mostly because I could really use some AB/DL tailored advice.
I have been with my husband for twelve years now. I love him more than anything. When he came out to me as a cross dresser, I was thrilled because I have always been rather open-minded sexually and I found his cross-dressing to be very exciting and stimulating. When he told me he was an AB/DL I think I took it pretty well, was not disgusted or afraid, but curious and eager to nurture him. For many months, in the earlier part of our relationship, I was a happy to diaper, change, kiss, and cuddle him. It did not slow our sex life down at all, but fit into it. I was on cloud nine, deeply in love and happy.
He began to encourage me to try wearing a diaper too, which I was uncomfortable with, but still curious and willing. About the second or third time he diapered me, I regressed easily and found bliss. While diapered up and wiggling with delight, I asked him innocently if he would always love me, the way small children do. Unfortunately, despite us having exchanged some ‘I love you’s already in our relationship, he yelled and admonished me harshly, asking me how dare I ask him such a loaded question, telling me he could never say such a thing, that no one loves anyone forever because it’s a physical impossibility; he was angry I’d asked, even cruel.
Because I was truly in a regressed state, it shattered me mentally and emotionally. I didn’t want to have anything to with diapers after that, not anything at all. It completely turned all the joy I felt inside out.
Things got worse after that. He started telling people, people that I didn’t trust, about his cross-dressing and AB/DL preferences. Despite being with him almost two years, this was apparently ok, even with his therapist. Oh, it was wrong of me when I told my friend who confronted me about it (who only did so because the people he told could not keep a secret). “It was HIS secret,” his therapist told me in a joint session. I was going insane, because I thought we were in this together, that it was OUR secret now. I was horrified that our relationship didn’t seem to have any significance. In regards to being able to want or enjoy anything AB/DL, it just pushed me back farther into that shell.
Shortly after that he broke up with me. While we were broken up, he did many of the things we had talked about doing for the first time together…with someone else. At the time, everything was all my fault-- he felt I hadn’t been generous enough to give him what he wanted, so he looked for it elsewhere.
During that time, nine years ago, I was in hell. I tried committing suicide, twice, but lived. My second suicide attempt knocked out a large part of my long term memory. Most of my childhood and teen years were gone (still are), all that was left were the previous three years, filled mostly with him, and he was gone. I cried every single day. Often. Eventually I became numb.
During our time apart most of his family and friends betrayed him. Many of these friends had already abandoned me at the time that he had. He realized he’d made some pretty terrible decisions. Tentatively, he came back to me. Tentatively we rebuilt our relationship and our lives together and eventually married seven years ago. Eventually we had two beautiful children. I never recovered most of the memories I lost, and I remain pretty guarded emotionally. He never stopped his AB/DL, but I rarely diaper or change him. About six months ago, he approached me about having me become more involved about AB/DL again in the hopes that it would bring us closer the way it used to.
I told him I was willing, but that I wanted to be babied sometimes too, and to do so I would have to take down the emotional walls I’ve put up. I told him that I would have to trust him the way I used to, the way I did earlier in our relationship. That I would need some reassurances from him so if I did something innocent, like ask if he’d always love me, that he wouldn’t hurt me.
All that did was get me a lecture on how “I’m just playing word games,” so I asked him (trembling in my boots) point blank, if he would always love me. That just got me more of the same, and that he just wasn’t going to say it, if that was what I needed to hear. The best I got was, after two hours of trying to reason with him was, “I love you, and I want to believe I will always love you.” Cringing inside, I braced myself and told him straight faced but disappointedly that I didn’t feel ready to AB/DL again, and that I didn’t think he was really ready to for me too either. I told him I would think about it and continue to consider it. That was about two months ago, and I’ve been chewing on it ever since.
So, what I want to know is, am I asking too much, to want to some reassurances before I get back into AB/DL again and really let down my guard again? How do I explain that my fulfilling my emotional needs by giving these reassurances isn’t some word game? I understand that part of what he gets is to feel loved and comforted, and I just want that too. I am open to any questions, advice or opinions.