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Thread: Conflicting sides of AB/DL, Quitting?

  1. #1

    Default Conflicting sides of AB/DL, Quitting?

    I have hit a speed bump with this whole side of myself. Maybe not a speed bump, much more like a wall. It has come to the point where I have actually considered quitting and I think that always warrants the consent of other people's opinions and advice, not too mention a lot of thought, good reasons, and tons of motivation.

    I have been an AB/DL for four years counting since the time when I first came across the material on the internet in my Junior year in high school. I certainly didn't become AB/DL right then and there, but finally discovered a name for some of the things I had been doing since I was twelve.

    Its been a long and fun ride since I have started and my thoughts and experiences could fill an entire journal (they have). There is so much I have read and related to on this forum and hopefully I can finally add something that other people can relate to as well.

    College was truly the start of most of my experiences and participation, especially when I scored a single room only a few months into freshman year. I went through the usual confusion, purge and binge, and eventual acceptance. I was a strict DL at first but by the end of sophomore year, after much thinking and experimenting, I came to admit I was a lot of different things, especially an AB.

    And while I had accepted my AB/DL side, there was still a huge dichotomy between my AB and DL side it felt like. I love the DL side. I could write a book on the different aspects of a diaper I find fascinating and erotic. I've spent countless hours in picture and video galleries across the web and have amassed a personal collection. There is no end...

    I love the AB side. I like being little. I like being cute. I liked wanting to be taken care of. It had taken me a while as a straight twenty-something guy to admit those things but it makes me feel so warm inside. It also turns me on like no other. I hate that. It means at some point, all those wonderful feelings come to an end with a release and I feel it undermines the experience of being little. It perverts it.

    And this is where I have a problem with my AB and DL side. At the end of the day, both end up being largely sexual and lead to release which then erases all such feeling for AB and DL from my mind for usually up to a week. Not to mention, releasing to AB/DL desires always messes with my libido patterns and overall motivation.

    I think that as soon as something begins to affect any other parts of your life, it should be unquestioningly quit. I am at that point where I am about to commit but I know it is going to be a difficult road and I'd hate to have to give up participating in all of it because one aspect of it doesn't work for me.
    Thoughts? Tips/Advice? Similar Experiences?

  2. #2

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    Hi Showme, your situation certainly isn't a new one for many of us here.
    I also battled to get to grips with my DL'ism and it is definably sexual for me.
    I have liked diapers since age 2-3, before even knowing what sexuality is, so this is far more entrenched then even my own heterosexuality.

    If diapers are linked to your libido, there is certainly no way you can just stop participating for what is, a natural part of yourself.

    I don't think you have fully accepted this part of yourself and it sounds a little like your diaper habits are controlling you instead of vice versa, in essence more like an addiction.
    The fantastic news is thank God its diapers/ABDL and not drugs or alcohol, because this can be managed better.

    I personally had a huge problem with being a DL and wounded up with a massive depression, a first in my life around a year and a half ago.

    This was around the same time i practiced my DL'ism.

    Fast forward to today and i have learned a huge amount of insight into my psyche and i realized that the DL'ism didn't cause the depression, but acknowledgement of unfulfilled issues which i ran away from.

    In essence it set me free and its great.

    What could also be ruining your regression/DL'ism is the perversity and the pornographic aspect of your fetish which i assume conflicts with your conscience and goes againsed your morals.

    I suggest you cut out the porn completely and divulge in your fetish by yourself without aid.
    If you are heterosexual or homosexual, you focus you primary sexuality on that, and manage your fetish/lifestyle better by controlling the amount of days per week you indulge in ABDL or share it equally with your primary sexuality.

    By quitting your ABDL's, you are in essence refusing to accept apart of yourself and you are basically fighting with yourself.
    You need more acceptance and don't feel bad to be who you are.
    Ride out this inner turmoil because as soon as a shift in belief about your ABDL'ism occurs you have to start all over again when you quit and again when you binge.

    You are ABDL and regression is sexual for you accept this, tell yourself this and be ok with it, because you cannot change this, only lie and deprive the truth.

    You are unique, you have always been and will be this way, shift your perception of yourself and manage your ABDL'ism more effectively.

    Some day you will find peace i can assure you because im starting to realize that all of us on earth only live once, and there is no right or wrong way to live your life if you are a good, hardworking individual that obeys the law and is kind to others etc....

    We all follow each other like blind sheep and we are told by ignorant folk what can or cannot be done and what is normal or abnormal.
    If i am different, then i know the person next to me is also different in some way and perhaps we are all ABDL's/fetishists aka something dare i say unique, and are the only ones honest enough to admit to ourselves, let alone each other.
    Perhaps the person right next to me asks themselves the same thing around a fetish yet never acts on it and never misses it and they live their entire life by what society tells them is normal.
    Yet a part of them dies unfulfilled and they never discover what it is, life is over......

    Embrace yourself!
    Regards Luckyfish.

  3. #3

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    Thanks so much for the quick reply.

    "If diapers are linked to your libido, there is certainly no way you can just stop participating for what is, a natural part of yourself."
    That is a good point that I guess I didn't really consider. I did try stopping once before and lasted about two months. Not a single thought about anything even closely related to AB/DL. By the end, I was releasing everyday compared to every three days to a week. Which is more normal/healthier? I still don't know. I did become sore. But was it simply a problem of self-control? I never seem to find any answers.

    "What could also be ruining your regression/DL'ism is the perversity and the pornographic aspect of your fetish which i assume conflicts with your conscience and goes againsed your morals."
    I used to use a lot of videos and pictures as part of the role play but have mostly stopped. Now I try to just enjoy the experience of regressing by myself, far away from the computer and any such material. What I still find though is that I am extremely stimulated by the whole experience. I guess I've assumed that it being sexual is a bad thing when in reality it is neither good or bad?

    "I don't think you have fully accepted this part of yourself and it sounds a little like your diaper habits are controlling you instead of vice versa, in essence more like an addiction."
    I still do wonder whether it is a "good" or "bad" thing. Its incredible how the brain can think about the same thing (AB/DL) in such a completely different light after release and then a week later, the other "side" comes back and it all seems completely fine again. I guess after release, though, that I lose interest in a lot of other things I enjoy, if only for a short period, and maybe AB/DL is just another one of those things.
    I don't think diapers have ever been an addiction for me. At most I have participated in diapers no more than twice a week and usually it is just once, including any time spent browsing stories, galleries, forums, and actually regressing/participating.

    Thanks again. Working this out in my mind with your added input has helped a lot to understand what it all means to me.

  4. #4

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    I can't relate 100% because for me diapers aren't really a sexual thing to me.... although I understand they can be and that's just fine. =)

    After coming back to diapers after years all I can say is that even though it's a definite interest, you won't find yourself needing it all of the time. I think you are over analyzing quitting simply because when you are ready to quit, it will just happen.

    I don't exactly understand the sexual urge... then satisfying it and wanting the diapers gone, although when you enter that emotional low after satisfaction it can cause you to feel negative or even like you are doing something wrong.

    The reality is that what you and me do is weird. But it's not wrong. The only way you can make it wrong is if you harm yourself or others. Relax and have fun with it. If you want to stop, don't stop like I did.... because others put you down.

    Stand up proudly in your diapers!

  5. #5

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    This is an interesting and well-written post, and I'll do my best to be helpful in my reply - I, too, share a few of the problems you're struggling with, and I've seen others deal with the ones I haven't any personal experience with, so hopefully I can lend some insight into how best to cope with them.

    Firstly, it seems your biggest problem is that your indulgence of your AB/DL desires is having adverse effects on the other parts of your life. The best advice I can give here is moderation; it's this type of problem that can lead you to slip into a binge-purge cycle, which is a dangerous path to take, so it's good you're identifying it now. The solution is not to "quit," or to try to quit. Indeed, it's often suppression of the desires in the first place that leads to the desire to compensate through overindulgence and the nasty backlash that follows. The advice I can give here is twofold - self acceptance, and moderation. The latter is simple - don't overindulge. When you get an urge, try as hard as you can to think about what the most reasonable way to satisfy it would be. Don't go long periods without indulging if you think it'll result in trouble later, unless you're in a situation which leaves you no choice. You seem to be reasonably well-off as far as acceptance goes, which is good, but there's more to self-acceptance than just realizing what you are. You must also realize that there is no shame in what you are and no good in trying to hide from it or change parts of it. You mention that you "hate" that infantilism is sexual for you; hating something about yourself which does no one any harm and which you cannot feasibly change is a big roadblock on the path to self-acceptance. It is what it is; you cannot choose your desires.

    And this leads into the second issue, which is something I struggle with myself - for many, AB/DL desires are simultaneously sexual and non-sexual. That is, there are aspects of one's AB/DL nature which are intensely sexual and which will disappear for a period following a release, and others which are more basic than that and which deal with peace-of-mind, comfort, and security. Furthermore, when indulging, one does not always want to end with the former, and it can be frustratingly difficult to avoid it. From what you've described, it seems this is the case for you, and that you're having trouble reconciling the two parts. For this, there is no easy answer. I struggle with the same thing, and as much as I'd like the boundaries between the sexual and non-sexual aspects to be clear-cut, the two are intertwined. That does not mean, however, that they cannot be reconciled; they may, for example, focus on slightly different things (for me, for example, the sexual aspects are much more baby-focused and the non-sexual ones tend towards regression to a more kid-like than a baby-like state). These are more general trends than absolute rules; overlap is always there, and it is annoying, but it can be dealt with. The best advice I can give you here is to explore your own AB/DL nature for yourself and try to make as much sense of it as you can, and keep what you know in mind when you're planning to indulge. For example, if I'm feeling uneasy and want to indulge the comfort and security side more than the sexual side, I'll focus on those elements which are most conducive to that and avoid those which would lead me towards a release, because, as you've noted, that would compromise the whole thing. It's tough, and ultimately you have to accept the fact that you cannot perfectly compartmentalize your desires and indulge only those which you want without touching upon others which may get in the way. However, while you may not be able to do it perfectly you can certainly try to do as well as you can, and I've found that I can manage satisfactorily. Hopefully, with time and self-reflection, you can too. Desire is a twisted and complex thing, but it need not always lead to an end you do not want.

    Of course, this is solely based on my own experiences and observations. Your own nature and desires are, of course, your own, and to a great extent you must figure them out for yourself. It may be that what I've said here isn't applicable or helpful for you at all. I hope that isn't the case, and that what has worked for me can give some insight into what might work for you.

  6. #6

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    A very concise and well spoken post. The responses here are very informative. I would like to offer a slightly different flavor to this topic.

    My experiences have been slightly different. I ,oddly, have never felt shameful and because of this it has bothered me being very Christian oriented and raised this way. I have questioned it over and over again why the lack of guilt. I have recently concluded that to me personally diapers are an inoccent thing and like all things addictive must not controll my entire day.

    Interestingly I feel I am "owed" them. Let me explain. When I was around the age twelve my dad discovered a few used diapers that I had carelessly hidden in the backyard. I was openly himuliated in front of mom and siblings. It left me very confused but did not stop me from making make-shift diapers (wich I hid better this time). It wasn't until about 3 years ago that the memory of the humuliation came back to me and while driving home after work thinking about it I cried and punched the steering wheel. I was thinking how dare he treat his own son this way. I have since forgiven him for it in silence and found peace and actually can smile because of the stupidity of it. I ,through my adolescent years, forgot about diapers altogether and less than two years ago decided to indulge in them again. I have concluded that I am my own person now steering my own ship for 19 years now and if I want to wear; Then I am going to wear. No consent needed. No permission needed.

    The sticky thing about this subject is that it is a kink/fetish. It involves sexuall elements and regressive elements (as stated) and some are explained through psychology and some are not. ABDL'ism is hardly breeched because of the stigma attached to it and I believe that is where the shame part comes from because of how sensitive and personal the material/topic is. However, a good read on the subject can reveal where the fetish may have originated or germinated.

    Note: It's interesting how differently the needs/desires/drive are between male and female. They seem to have all the same common denominators but oddly are flipped or reversed.

    In response to your general question I have a different twist. I believe if you want to for reasons quit or abandon the practice of ABDL then do it. It is the ONLY way to put a value to it's integrity. It is the ONLY way to guage how high up on the priorities list it ranks. It is the ONLY objective way to evaluate from-the-outside-in and can give you a non-dopamine perspective on your desires. It can in sense clear your head. Sometimes these desires infiltrate in deviously small ways into our daily thinking.

    I ,for one, have relegated my needs to wear to an average of 3 nights a month. I have found happiness with being able to dive occasionally into the world of being pampered and feel little. It suits me and makes me happy. I kinda look at it as a "refresh" button and I immensely enjoy being padded at these times almost as if I deserve it. It makes it almost like eating cake after a stint away from it. An indulgence.

    So, in conclusion I would say to not make a huge deal of it. If you need to step away then step away. If you're looking for answers into why you have the desires then I recommend a read on fetishes. Not the kind of book trying to sell you on a fetish but one written by an expert on the subject of fetishes. You will perhaps gain a perspective on your desires. It may reveal things you may not have thought about and a new understanding of what you are struggling with.

    Remember: We are not defined by what is bubbling in the shaded, twisting, back-alleys of our minds. These places are a respite that are uber hard to get to and only offered to those that are inquisitive.

    [note] Shakespeare sucks: To be or not to be, that is the question. Sorry Shake'y but there is alot more avenues to these questions.

  7. #7

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    Thank you both LazyAB and ilostthesheriff. Your posts were in-depth and well written. I definitely appreciate some new and insightful opinions on this as I was starting to get stuck in finding answers.

    "Indeed, it's often suppression of the desires in the first place that leads to the desire to compensate through overindulgence and the nasty backlash that follows."
    So true. I was home for the summer and had to wait three months to properly indulge again. Ended up spending nearly an entire day regressed which I enjoyed but certainly was not in moderation.

    "You mention that you "hate" that infantilism is sexual for you; hating something about yourself which does no one any harm and which you cannot feasibly change is a big roadblock on the path to self-acceptance. It is what it is; you cannot choose your desires."
    I am starting to see the truth of this more and more. I have subjectively assigned anything as being sexual as being "bad" which is in no case correct.

    "It is the ONLY objective way to evaluate from-the-outside-in and can give you a non-dopamine perspective on your desires. It can in sense clear your head. Sometimes these desires infiltrate in deviously small ways into our daily thinking."
    A wonderful suggestion. I will keep it in mind.

    "If you're looking for answers into why you have the desires then I recommend a read on fetishes."
    Thanks for the suggestion. Adding to the reading list.

    I'm not absolutely certain but it seems that every time release occurs to any AB/DL experiences or material there is always a depression that follows. I don't think its much of a problem of moderation as I have always limited it to once every week or every two weeks but maybe that isn't long enough? I have come to two choices so far. One is to quit altogether and the other would be to participate in regression but only release to other experiences/material.

    Once again, thanks for all the advice so far. It has really helped a ton in working through this.

  8. #8

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    As a person with a variable set of sexual desires, I will say this. Have you ever craved a food, craved it badly that it was all you could think about? And then, when you finally got eat your fill of whatever is was, you are totally sated and happy, and no longer crave it. Hell, you might even turn your nose up at it if you had to eat it again the next day. At this point in my life, I feel the same about sex. I don't want to have the sex every day. I like the fact that my hubby's sexual preferences allow a nice amount of diversity.

    Eventually, I discovered what I feel what was the right mindset:

    Sex is awesome.

    If it involves sex, awesome.

    So whether it's "vanilla icecream", "meat and potatoes", or "sous vide kobe beef with the master chef's hand preppared special sauce". Sometimes I can't get exactly what I'm craving, but if it's good and it fills me, awesome. And just because I occasionally feed my crazing, get my fill, and I'm not hungry for a while, doesn't mean I'm not going to eventually be hungry again.

    Don't get into the mind set of "but this is the only thing I like. If you aren't looking to enjoy what's out there or try something new, you're not going to. But if your hungry and you check out all the options you have in your cupboard, you might even find some new favorites now and then.

  9. #9

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    I still struggle with the same things. I've wanted to at least try diapers when I was really little and now it's morphed into what I still find to be a somewhat strange fetish. I also feel it preverts the AB side of it where the last thing you want to do is think about anything sexual let alone be sexually aroused by the same thing that's supposed to bring great comfort and security to us.

    The only thing I've been able to do to control it is simply not do anything DL related. If I'm getting padded up, I'll wait till it passes and just throw myself into a stae of regression as best I can and totally ignore the other part of it that I never asked or wished for. After all, that part only came about due to puberty.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Fire2box View Post
    I still struggle with the same things. I've wanted to at least try diapers when I was really little and now it's morphed into what I still find to be a somewhat strange fetish. I also feel it preverts the AB side of it where the last thing you want to do is think about anything sexual let alone be sexually aroused by the same thing that's supposed to bring great comfort and security to us.

    The only thing I've been able to do to control it is simply not do anything DL related. If I'm getting padded up, I'll wait till it passes and just throw myself into a stae of regression as best I can and totally ignore the other part of it that I never asked or wished for. After all, that part only came about due to puberty.
    Worth noting that AB/DL and sexual/nonsexual are different distinctions. Also, nothing at all about AB/DL desires is "supposed" to be one way or another. It is what it is, and ultimately must be accepted for what it is.

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