I cant seem to find sense of anything, not even myself. Lately i havent been able to control my anger, I go into these intense fits of rage that i desperately try to control and i do manage to control it, but im so exhausted afterwards because of all the energy i used trying not to blow up and punch someone or myself in the face. Then I get into this intense depression where I lose motivation to do anything.. And then there are the incredibly powerful thoughts of abandonment, lonliness, emptiness, the idea that everyone is lying to me, and once ive gone through all this, i become completely numb and emotionless... For the last 2 weeks its been peaking, its been to the point where I am never happy... I cant handle this anymore, I made a friend of mine cry yesterday because of my anger and because of the idea I had in my head that she was lying to me.... Everyone tells me to go to a psychologist but I dont trust psychologists, especially not here in Miami... I feel like they're all going to judge me for being abdl and take things out of context and try to put things out of perspective.. because everyone here in miami is hispanic and old fashioned and I feel like NO ONE understands me ever... the feelings I get of people trying to control me are almost unbearable! I've exploded on my family and my wife and my closest friends because I begin to feel they are trying to control me and it makes me incredibly and uncontrollably furious... The worst part is that I feel like a puppet most of the time, watching all this happen without the ability to make it stop.. and I KNOW its BPD but even if I tell myself "its just the BPD" I get more and more angry/depressed/anxious/nervous etc... Im so scared my wife is going to leave me FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON, I have no reason to believe she is going to leave me yet thats how I feel!
I feel the same way about my friends! I feel like they'r all trying to leave me and no matter what I do to hang onto them I keep feeling like im losing them slowly!!!
Another murderous quality is that I am driving REALLY fast lately and have a very powerful desire to do Acid or Mushrooms or some crazy drug ive never done before, and then my friends dont let me because they think i will bad trip and BEING TOLD THIS makes me go crazy because of my feelings of people trying to control me! FUCK IM LOSING MY MIND!!!!! I dont know what to do and I want to kill myself so bad but I cant because of the feelings of guilt I have about leaving my wife and our dog (who is like a son to us, i know it sounds ridiculous, but I love our dog).
Is there anyone who can offer me some kind of solace...