Well As many of you know I have moved out of my parents house and in with my boyfriend. Things are going pretty well. We are getting all settled and working on getting a routine down.
Moving is a lot of work and it is very draining and stressful.
Since moving I have absolute freedom to do what ever I want. Well as I am living with another person there are boundaries I try to keep. That has not been going so well.
As I consider myself fairly New to the AB world I am learning to balance my little side and my big side. I have to keep my little side in check until It is time for Baby mode. As of right now, Saturday night is my night to be full baby.
But I seem to be struggling with keeping it in check the rest of the week. Yesterday for example... I could not give up my pacifier or blankie all day. I was home alone so I figured what the hell. But when My boyfriend comes home I want to be there for him. He has had a hard day at work and he needs to talk to me not little me. Most of the time I do okay with that. I can manage to stay in "big girl" mode and still have my binky here and there so long as I do not have it in my mouth while I talk. The problem comes when I do not talk and I just focus on sucking my binky. I hate do that to him and he hates it when I do that too.
So anyway last night I was not in a good frame of mind and neither was he. I sucked my pacifier for a while and finally he asked if binky could go away till bed time and he could talk to his big girl. I said yes. But a few minutes later I was sobbing and had no idea why. He cuddled me and asked me why I was crying and finally I stopped. Well Kinda because I went and got my binky. when I was calmed down he took it out. I was once again ok for a few minutes. Then I began to cry again and repeated the same thing we did a few minutes ago only this time he had me calm my self down without sucking on something. I broke down several more times and then finally just sobbed that I needed my binky. I was beside my self.
Finally we did a little mirror work and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I was still sobbing. Not wanting to I tried to turn and bury my face in his shoulder. But he kept turning me around to look again. He finally asked if I got the point of why he was doing this. And as I stood there looking at my self I realized that things needed to change. There I am standing here with him when I should have been dead several times over. I was healthy and happy, and making big steps in my life to becoming the 25 year old that I am. Yet there I stood in a heap sobbing because I could not have my pacifier. I knew right then and there that I need to fight the addiction and fight for control over my little side. I had to be Brittany the 25 year old. I had to be there for My man when he came home after a stressful day and just needed his girlfriend to talk to not his baby.
Gaining a sence of balance and control over your ABDL desires take a lot of work. Since I started out with this AB thing I always said I would not let my AB become a burden or annoyance to some one, and that is exactly what I did yesterday.
So today I say that I am going to strive with all my might not to ever let that happen again. I want to be in control of myself.
So I have set some rules that I am going to try my darnedest to stick to.
Starting today No pacifier unless I am in bed. No bottles every night. I am not going to say no bottles other than Saturday cause there are just some nights when I need a bottle. I am not going to let myself do baby mode during the day even though I am home alone. If during the week he decides to encage in a small time of baby mode that is up to him. But I will be there for when he needs me I will be there to cook his dinner and clean the house. I will not fall into a puddle and be the baby like I was doing.
I felt so bad that I did this to him yesterday. It hurt me that I had frustrated him when he came home after a very hard day at work to his girl being a baby. That was selfish of me and it will not happen again.
So this has been my struggle and though I write this it is not the magic one word fix and I have it all figured out. But I have started on the path to control and I am going to try not to step off of it.