A number of people on here have not just been incredibly supportive, but have also requested that I keep everyone up to date on what's happening with my marriage. First, however, I need to give a really big shout out to everybody who has been here for me the last couple weeks since I joined the site. The amount of support has been incredible and my life is infinitely better for it.
This post is not just an update on my marriage, but also on my latest counseling session (my first since I came out as DL to my therapist) and the internal changes that have been happening for me.
Perhaps it is that last part that is the most important, actually. Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop typing this out because I am feeling something that I don't recall ever having felt before in my life- a need to connect to people, a need to be comforted by others. For the first time in my life I truly feel lonely. Maybe for everyone else out there on ADISC that is a familiar feeling, but for me, it's so unfamiliar that it took me an entire day to see it for what it is. I have spent my entire life trying to hide, to keep this huge secret. I never wanted to connect to anybody because you can't do that and hide at the same time.
But now I am no longer hiding. I have a friend, and ally, in my therapist. I have you guys, anonymous as you may be, who are reading this. Very suddenly, in a matter of a few weeks, I am no longer hiding. Yes, my husband doesn't know and I intend for him to never find out, but it's no longer a secret that I am trying to keep from the world. And now that I am no longer trying to hide from the world, I have discovered that I am very, very lonely.
As for this week's therapy session, it was one of the most difficult conversations of my life. Finally it has become possible for me to talk to someone about what has been haunting me all this time, which means that I actually had to talk about it. At first I still couldn't say it out loud, so he changed directions and started asking me about my relationship. It was at that point that I told him my desire to get out, which he seemed happy to hear. Upon reflection I think that he has wanted me to get out for a long time, but I just wasn't ready or able to think about leaving him, and he wasn't going to push the issue.
That being said, we are back to more reflection and internal turmoil. I have finally come to realize that this relationship is emotionally abusive. I think many of you out there have already noticed that fact- some have even come out and said so- but it has taken me a while to get there myself. To acknowledge and accept this fact has been incredibly hard for me. I am feeling a lot of self-blame right now. I keep wondering how I managed to get myself into this situation, why I have let it go on for so long, how I could have been so blind to what has been going on, and mostly why did I let him treat me this way? And to top it off, I came to this realization today, with five days until my next therapy appointment and thus no one to talk to about this.
Getting back to that therapy appointment, we did eventually talk about diapers. It was incredibly hard talking about them. To actually say "diaper" out loud was terribly foreign. After some time I did start to feel desensitized to saying it. I was able to talk with him about how this all started and what happened at 12 with my crazy former therapist who caused me to try to repress all sexual feelings. We talked about the ramifications of me trying to repress my sexuality and the tangled mess that it created. I did end up feeling panicked and had to stop the conversation, but not because of the diapers, interestingly enough. It was everything *else* that gets me off that I couldn't talk about.
At that point he spent a good fifteen minutes calming me down by telling me that it's okay to like diapers, that it is innocent, harms no one, that there is nothing wrong with me (well, other than the tangled mess I created by trying to repress my sexuality, which he said will largely unravel itself and also that we will keep working on it together.) Really, it was everything that everyone on here has said to me, but it was someone real, sitting a few feet from me, telling me that I'm okay just the way I am. For fifteen minutes. I'd like to say it was wonderful, but it wasn't. It was difficult. For the first time I had a truly safe space where I could feel my own fears, prejudices, and shame. Every time he told me that it's perfectly okay to have a diaper fetish, it made room for more of my own self-hatred to come bubbling up. Then he'd calm me down again, and more would surface.
Overall, the last few days have left me feeling raw. I feel scared and lonely and uncertain. I also feel more like myself. The tangled web I have woven is coming undone and somewhere in there I can see the self that was there before this mess came to be.