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Thread: Psychotherapist's advice

  1. #1

    Default Psychotherapist's advice

    I feel very unsure about posting this; I'm posting because I don't know where to take things from here...

    I see a psychotherapist whom I trust, and I have finally managed to talk to him about being DL (both as part of my sexuality, and also for comfort and safety): we've talked about it several times now, and in depth. I've recently started experimenting more as well: I started "wearing" a bit at home, and then have even tried wetting at night (I still feel so ashamed). I'm most uncomfortable about the sexual side of it, but was reassured that 'though it is obviously sexual for me, I didn't feel like I needed to act on that part of it (like masturbation), and I found the experiences comforting and calming on some levels, but for the guilt and negative thoughts.

    I'm working on accepting this part of myself, but am torn about whether I should be experimenting or not. My therapist thinks that acceptance and working on dealing with the thoughts and urges is the most appropriate course of action. He has been very unjudgmental and open minded, but he seemed clear that it should remain in my head; can I ask your opinions? It feels, to me, like I'm indulging a problem (which scares me), but I'm not sure whether accepting it mentally but denying it in other ways is right or wrong (or something in between).

    I suppose my question is, "What are people's views on abstaining vs. practising?". Does practising lead to escalation? I was quite relieved when he expressed his view (acceptance but abstinence), but also felt ashamed: a large part of me wants to abstain (my standard response to sexuality, but probably not from a healthy mindset), and I feel all the more guilty for my experimentation given that he thinks it would be safer for me to try to deal with it in other ways...

    p.s. I told him about this community and the way it is set up with moderators and a "PG-13" rule, and he seemed to think it was a good idea, and a sensible way for me to explore this part of myself.
    Last edited by Anxious; 08-Aug-2012 at 17:58. Reason: Added p.s.

  2. #2

    Default

    Its not a question any of us, or even your therapist can answer with certainty.

    If you're a person with addictive or obsessive tendencies, you could end up focusing on diapers to the detriment of other aspects of your life like your career and relationships. Its not physically destructive like alcohol, smoking or drugs, but it could be destructive if it takes up too much of your time or leads you to isolate yourself. It would be most like an obsession with porn and/or the internet in that it takes the place of real world activities and relationships.

    Some people can have a drink or two occasionally and leave it at that, some turn into raging alcoholices. Some can do some diaper or baby play without a problem, while others let it take over. Science is not advanced enough that the mechanism is defined or understood. There is no test to tell if you have the genetic switch that turns things into an obsession. Your therapist gave you the safe answer. If you're not sure, stay away from it. Its also possible that he knows things about you suggesting that its likely to become a problem if you indulge.

  3. #3

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    That all makes sense, thank you Maxx; I can think of many (specific/personal) reasons why he'd suggest a conservative strategy to me.
    I suppose I'm left wondering whether anyone (else) has felt similarly (so afraid of sexuality and its part in this), and is further along the acceptance/balanced lifestyle pathway (as it were), and could offer their view also (whether that means acting on urges, or not)? Do others abstain out of fear, or out of the knowledge that it could lead them astray in whatever way?

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Anxious View Post
    That all makes sense, thank you Maxx; I can think of many (specific/personal) reasons why he'd suggest a conservative strategy to me.
    I suppose I'm left wondering whether anyone (else) has felt similarly (so afraid of sexuality and its part in this), and is further along the acceptance/balanced lifestyle pathway (as it were), and could offer their view also (whether that means acting on urges, or not)? Do others abstain out of fear, or out of the knowledge that it could lead them astray in whatever way?
    You my friend are not alone in this dilemma. I as a young man fought many times over my DL issues wondering if it is wrong, in conflict with Christian values, or leads to addiction. I didn't have an online support group until now. Today I largely conclude that none of those were true at least for myself. I've been sexual with my DL since I was 14 and even regularly did the "m" word when engaging. Today, at 39, it does not even remotely conflict with my wife, friends, work, or anything. I just remember boundaries.

    My advice is to avoid porn. That stuff can carry you away. You have friends everywhere on this site. Good luck my friend on your acceptance.

  5. #5

    Default

    You're not doing anything wrong, it's not illegal, and you're not harming/hurting anybody. So if you enjoy diapers and the sexual gratification that they bring, why not?

    This is a private thing that has nothing to do with ANYBODY else, and is perfectly "normal" (I hate that word anyway) so it's completely up to you. You need not consider anybody else. Of course that can't always be helped, so just take it slow, relax, and enjoy them at your own pace.

  6. #6

    Default

    Thank you so much: your reply was very warm and really lifted me. I'm sorry that you had to go through your difficulties alone, but it is so great to hear that you've reached such a balanced and healthy place with it all.
    That makes sense: I'm too prudish (ironic?) to touch porn, but appreciate your advice.

  7. #7

    Default

    I'm glad I can make a difference in your acceptance.

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    Its not a question any of us, or even your therapist can answer with certainty.

    If you're a person with addictive or obsessive tendencies, you could end up focusing on diapers to the detriment of other aspects of your life like your career and relationships. Its not physically destructive like alcohol, smoking or drugs, but it could be destructive if it takes up too much of your time or leads you to isolate yourself. It would be most like an obsession with porn and/or the internet in that it takes the place of real world activities and relationships.

    Some people can have a drink or two occasionally and leave it at that, some turn into raging alcoholices. Some can do some diaper or baby play without a problem, while others let it take over. Science is not advanced enough that the mechanism is defined or understood. There is no test to tell if you have the genetic switch that turns things into an obsession. Your therapist gave you the safe answer. If you're not sure, stay away from it. Its also possible that he knows things about you suggesting that its likely to become a problem if you indulge.
    While I agree with what everyone above has said, I'd like to emphasize what Maxx first said "Its not a question any of us, or even your therapist can answer with certainty. "

    And just to offer an alternate consideration...repressing, which is not the same as moderation, or congruent abstinence (I think your therapist will concur)...may lead to a risky increase in, or obsession with the issues. I believe that is in part what occurs in the binge/purge cycles that so many of us have, or do still experience.

    Find the best middle of the road, and know that, that can be different (or fluid)...for any given moment...what may have been in your best interest a few hours ago and beyond, or under differing circumstances...may or may not be 'good' for you now, or anytime forward... Individual results, often do vary...you may find once underway, that it's relatively easier to manage.

    As mentioned...find ways to steer around an all out obsession. For me some years ago 'self-pleasuring' was how I could move on with the rest of my day...though sometimes it required multiple 'sessions'..the question for this method is: Does it bring you relief, or does it reward, and strengthen the preoccupation?

    If the former...avoid using it as a 'carnival-ride'...instead more as a 'dose' of medicine...

    If the latter...you may personally need to avoid it, and look for other distracting/diverting outlets of energy, and pleasure... being mindful to not merely replace one obsession with another...though temporarily, that could help if the alternate obsession is of a less taboo, or socially conflicting nature.

    Good luck to you, keep us posted...if you wish.
    -Marka

  9. #9

    Default

    Oops - messed up my replies. I hope this resolves it


    Quote Originally Posted by Berko View Post
    You're not doing anything wrong, it's not illegal, and you're not harming/hurting anybody.
    I wish I could truly believe that I'm not doing anything wrong; perhaps if I could reconcile myself with normal ("vanilla") sexuality, then this would seem acceptable along with it. As you said above, it is no more illegal or harmful.
    I suppose my difficulties in accepting this over the years have contributed to my inability to accept any form of sexuality; I seem to be less intolerant of the ideas already, so perhaps (as you said) taking it slow is the way forwards. That's the plan then, thank you.

    - - - Updated - - -


    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    While I agree with what everyone above has said, I'd like to emphasize what Maxx first said "Its not a question any of us, or even your therapist can answer with certainty. "

    And just to offer an alternate consideration...repressing, which is not the same as moderation, or congruent abstinence (I think your therapist will concur)...may lead to a risky increase in, or obsession with the issues. I believe that is in part what occurs in the binge/purge cycles that so many of us have, or do still experience.

    Find the best middle of the road, and know that, that can be different (or fluid)...for any given moment...what may have been in your best interest a few hours ago and beyond, or under differing circumstances...may or may not be 'good' for you now, or anytime forward... Individual results, often do vary...you may find once underway, that it's relatively easier to manage.
    -Marka
    Yes, that rings true to me: there is rarely certainty in life, and (like my therapist has said to me) it isn't as if there is a rule book or checklist for this sort of thing. What works for one person may not work for others etc.

    Repressing vs. moderation is also an important consideration: I've spent years repressing many things, and know that that has contributed to mental illness. I'm trying to get away from that, but am so scared of going the other way that that typically means small steps towards moderation, or some sort of middle-of-the-road route.

    Thank you for sharing your view and experience.
    Last edited by Anxious; 08-Aug-2012 at 22:10. Reason: Messed up quoting/replies.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Anxious View Post

    Yes, that rings true to me: there is rarely certainty in life, and (like my therapist has said to me) it isn't as if there is a rule book or checklist for this sort of thing. What works for one person may not work for others etc.

    Repressing vs. moderation is also an important consideration: I've spent years repressing many things, and know that that has contributed to mental illness. I'm trying to get away from that, but am so scared of going the other way that that typically means small steps towards moderation, or some sort of middle-of-the-road route.
    As you probably know with 'hind-sight'...things often look amazingly different after the fact. And with that, I'm going to suggest to you that from you're current position of fear (being scared)...that you're current perspectives may be skewed, or exaggerated...which is why IMHO, that having the therapist to be your 'spotter' ...and hopefully gaining insights, from our collective experiences...you'll be able to gain trust, and insight from yourself as well.

    while it may seem, that my inference is that of 'making a mountain out of a mole-hill"...and in simplistic terms, I am in fact saying this.

    It should in no way shape or form be construed as any sort of invalidation, disrespect, or question of legitimacy of or towards your fears, concerns, or experiences!

    Instead, I intend it to be a bit of a 'spoiler'...that gives you more opportunity of hope, and incite you to a greater level of self-confidence...not to be confused with pathological-optimism...

    When faced with what seems to a great extent to be insurmountable by task or knowledge...first, start by imagining that it's possible...then to a point of imagining that it's probable.



    Quote Originally Posted by Anxious View Post
    Thank you for sharing your view and experience.
    You are certainly welcome, and please give yourself the credit for getting this far, and gaining professional help, and joining in this exchange of experiences.

    My warmest regards,
    -Marka

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