Warning: this is going to contain strong language. If you're offended, that's too damn bad, stop reading this shit.
Also, if you're extremely religious, you're going to get offended. Just warning you.
Okay, I'll start off by saying I'm depressed and pissed off at the same time.
I'm depressed because of this whole TB/DL things. I feel like a freak who can't grow the fuck up behind and leave babyhood, and I'm pissed off because there's absolutely NO fucking way to change that.
I feel like this whole thing is messing with my life. I feel like I can't interact well with a whole ton of guys when it comes to talking about dirty things. I can't function on the same levels of comedy, I can't connect to them on levels of social ability.
I think completely different than them. They think about pussy and tits, I think about fucking diapers. I mean how embarassing is that? I feel like I'm completely out of place. I can't stand it. Every fucking time I think about this shit, I get pissed off beyond belief, so pissed off that words can't even describe it. I feel worthless, pathetic. I feel like a complete outcast. Every time I go on ADISC, or think about diapers or my pacifier, I just feel like punching the shit out of something, or throwing the closest thing to me at a wall.
To top it all off, life has just gone to shit lately. Everything's been going wrong. Everything. Not only that, but depression has been kicking in hard the entire summer, and I feel completely alone. I don't think I've been happy for more than a few hours at a time the entire summer. I'm either running my ass off at football, or at home, sitting at my computer and feeling depressed and listening to sad music, not even wanting to move or talk to anyone. I've lost motivation to do anything.
I've also had thoughts of suicide lately. I sometimes wonder how quickly everything could end with one little nick from a knife. All it takes is a bit of pain, and I can get out of a life time of misery. I honestly feel that it'd be fucking great to just end it. I always hear people say "Don't kill yourself! It's permanent! Life will get better! Trust me!" The truth is it hasn't gotten better. It's only gotten worse. And the point IS it's supposed to be permanent. If it's a mistake, it's one I won't live to regret, just like I've regretted everything else in my life.
And before everyone gets all religious on me and says "God has a plan for you," fuck that. God's a cold hearted bastard. I swear it's like he's edging me on to kill myself for his own entertainment. Just this summer, after 9 years of going to a Catholic school, I've turned from Catholic to agnostic. So shove all that God bullshit up your ass.
Now, I know I'm going to get a lot of hate and make a lot of people mad because of that last paragraph, but I really don't care. It's venting, I'm extremely pissed off, get the fuck over it.