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Thread: Is it necessarily wrong to hold a grudge against someone you love?

  1. #1

    Default Is it necessarily wrong to hold a grudge against someone you love?

    I'm asking this because I'm having a problem with it with my parents. I love them and vice versa, but there is always one particular subject that I will never, ever, forgive them on. I told my mom this and my dad this multiple times, that I will hold them accountable for it to the ends of time. It usually results me in immediately ignoring them and contemplating what I could have been.

    Here's the question: If you love someone, but they've done you wrong in the past, would you consider yourself to be justified by holding a grudge out on them?

    Edit: I'm writing a reply, thanks for your responses. I'll give context of my particular situation below in my reply.
    Last edited by CrypticTaco; 27-Jul-2012 at 19:58.

  2. #2

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    Well everyone makes mistakes it is part of being human. The hardest thing any one of us can do is forgive. But it is my belief that holding a grudge against someone for a long period of time is more harmful to you than what it is worth for trying to get a point across to someone.

  3. #3
    CaliforniaBear

    Default

    I'd say it would depend on what they did. if they physically abused you i would hold onto that. If it was some kind of emotional abuse i wouldn't unless it seriously fucked up your mind and now you cant go through life without constantly remembering said action. If it isn't too personal, may i ask what it is that they did? or at least some sort of broad description

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by WingDog View Post
    Well everyone makes mistakes it is part of being human. The hardest thing any one of us can do is forgive. But it is my belief that holding a grudge against someone for a long period of time is more harmful to you than what it is worth for trying to get a point across to someone.
    I'm inclined to agree as it eats at you long after the person concerned has drifted out of your immediate life. It's also worth remembering none of us is perfect and probably have said things others may of found hurtful even if we didn't realize it at the time.
    Last edited by Nihlus; 27-Jul-2012 at 20:02. Reason: Removed automerged duplicate post

  5. #5

    Default

    It seems like there are a few different things all at play here. First, I will posit that you might be going into this with a bit of a closed mind. Whether it be in politics, spirituality, or relationships, holding something as an absolute and demonstrating no willingness to consider new information or new angles can easily lead to one being wrong just because one is stubborn. Honestly, stating flatly that you will never forgive them for (thing) strikes me as being very similar to someone that flat-out says they will never vote Democrat/Republican/Liberal/Conservative/Labour/NDP/whatever. Once you've stated it in such absolute terms, you've signaled that you are unwilling to reconsider even in the face of new evidence to the contrary of your position. In the case of a relationship like this, suppose your parents try to broach the topic with you again and you immediately shut them down. Perhaps they've genuinely decided that they wronged you before and they want to make amends. To not even hear them out or even consider what they might have to say on the topic strikes me as unjustifiable.

    Going on from there, it seems that you're trying to play on both sides of the fence here. You say you love them, but you're not willing to consider what they might have to say on a topic? Note that I by no means am stating that you have to forgive them or accept whatever they say at face value, but I feel like failing to even consider it signals that you don't hold them in very high esteem, despite your claims to the contrary.

    I'll be honest-I'm very much in the camp that will forgive but not forget. I don't know if that's the same thing as holding a grudge, or if it's something that looks similar, or if one is a valid defense measure and the other's an unjustified maintenance of anger. I don't know the circumstances going into this, and even if I did I wouldn't be able or willing to say whether you're right or wrong or neutral. I think, though, that being completely unwilling to consider forgiveness, however, is doing neither you nor your parents any service.

  6. #6

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    Holding a grudge is like leaving a thorn in your foot, because you didn't put it there.
    Forgiveness is something you do for you. From the perspective of many more years it takes way too much energy and it hurts you far more.
    I am not saying it is easy.
    If it involves abuse and preventing harm to others then action needs to be taken.

  7. #7

    Default

    The other question is, is this abridgement in the past, the distant past or is it still ongoing? There are a lot of things parents do that they wish they could undo. Parents aren't perfect, but not knowing the particulars leaves this question very open ended. I wish my parents had been more understanding of me. I wish I hadn't gotten punished for the little stuff, but they weren't completely prepared for me. Who is, so mistakes are made.

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