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Thread: It's Your Funeral(!)

  1. #1

    Default It's Your Funeral(!)

    The Long-Short of it:

    The Short-Long of it (Absolutely worth your time reading if you need some explanation or justification of the above challenge):

    Homies! One day you will all die. Probably not all on the same day, but some day each individual one of you is going to be entirely less alive than you are as of reading this. Bummer right? Totally. Being ever the optimist, however, I personally refuse to let this news give me the blues and as such choose to make the best of the situation. If I'm gonna go out, I want it to be a big deal, savvy?

    Now I'm not talking about death wishes (although if I could choose how I would die, it would be by parachuting into the mouth of a shark, dynamite strapped to my body causing a massive most excellent eruption of gore at open sea) - I'm talking about the more final finale - THE FUNERAL.

    Being a brainwashed, obedient little cog in the egotistical, narcissistic, social-media identity generation, I find that other peoples' opinion on me is highly influential on how I feel about myself and because of that, I feel compelled to go to unhealthy lengths to influence, correct and manipulate those opinions for my benefit. Using stuff like facebook, I can, to some degree, control how people see Slang the person today. But what about when I'm dead?

    And so, THE THREAD POINT - I aim to put on the most better than best funeral for myself ever so that when people look back they say, "Man, Slang was the most radical dude I ever had the pleasure of being near, even in death". Being that I intend to be buried on property owned by my estate, those same people who then feel obligated to visit my grave (or rather, just want to cause "he was so gnarly!") can be charged a ticket. Groovy.

    SO ANYWAYS, I'm planning my funeral. It's gonna be top notch. The menu is all chessecake, a video of my life will be accompanied by the song "Bloodmeat" by Protest the Hero, while my casket will be carried out to the tune of "Storm the Gates of Hell" by Demon Hunter. At the reception, clips of the Big Lebowski will played with Between the Buried and Me's albums "Colors" and "The Great Misdirect" being played over the audio to see if they sink up. I have no real reason to believe that they will, but I'm curious about it. I just don't want to spend my own time discovering the truth, but that doesn't mean its not important to me. Following nine hours of eulogies delivered by friends who must be in characters as members of the Rat Pack, my Will shall be read to the entirety of those gathered and present. Here I will describe in detail how I think a Powerpuff Girls movie could be done quite well in the girls are in high school, Tina Fey writes the script and the director rips off Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Chevy Chase would play the mayor, Tim Curry would play Him, and as suggested by my brother, Bob Saget would play the professor. After this, it will be announced that my considerable wealth has been stashed away and buried and the first clue will be announced as to where it all is. Like that movie you saw once, but cooler. And with boss fights no doubt. Boss fights with the surviving members of No Doubt, that is. Being that most of my money will actually have been spent on making sure the treasure hunt is mega stellar, the final prize will mostly just be an empty suitcase full of metaphors and self-realizations. There will be no kool-aid or Toblerones serves at my wedding, as these properties are owned by a cigarette parent company and there will be no bad ju-ju at my wedding. Finally, a massive Homestar Runner-themed mural shall be paint in my honour on the side of a building it doesn't suit at all. And so, I go out with style.


  2. #2


    I don't care about having an awesome funeral. I'll be dead. Why not toss my body out to sea for all the fish to eat?

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  5. #5


    Well I wish the people with Medical knowledge would get with engineers and computer scientist already so we could transfer are intelligence in to cybernetic of fully machine body just before death and then I/we could give are own eulogies to our former fragile carbon forms.

  6. #6


    I want to be cremated and have a small on-the-rise street gang drive around slightly faster than the speed limit in the inner-city in an old van with my urn, which will be in the form of a malamute and be lined with lead (you know, zombies.) They'll throw my urn at a random sewer opening at smash it with a baseball bat (and perhaps urinate on it, but that's optional) as they blast the hip-hop music out of the ancient speakers in the car. Then people will forget about me and continue living on without me.
    Last edited by Cygnus; 26-Jul-2012 at 04:43. Reason: It's called an urn. It's okay, I remember now.

  7. #7


    Slang wrote:

    "Now I'm not talking about death wishes (although if I could choose how I would die, it would be by parachuting into the mouth of a shark, dynamite strapped to my body causing a massive most excellent eruption of gore at open sea) - I'm talking about the more final finale - THE FUNERAL."

    OK, you're not talking about death wishes, but I'm gonna toss mine in anyway....

    I want to be shot to death on my 100th birthday by a jealous 27 year old husband!

    As for the funeral afterwards, I really don't care all that much what I get buried in, except that I want a brand new nursery print cloth diaper and printed plastic panties to cover them. Put my NUK 5 in one hand, essentially hidden from view unless you look REALLY hard. On top of those things, a onesie and then anything else someone wants to see me tossed underground in.

    I expect there to be several kegs of beer at my wake/viewing, GOOD beer, not some rubbish like Coors or Bud. Make them a good Porter, A good India Pale Ale, and a fine tasting keg of homebrew. The taps should run freely, cause after all, the beer's on me.... Some dancing could also be in order, but not some dreary, somber affair that I've seen so many times. It'll be my last party, so lets make it a GOOD one!

    However, before any of that stuff goes on, I expect any and every good organ to be removed and donated to save lives. There is such a shortage of transplantable organs, and we all should do whatever we can to help those in life and death situations. If you're not already an organ donor, please give strong consideration to expressing your desires to your family, and be sure you've checked the "Yes, I'll be an organ donor" box on your driver's license application.


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    I'd want the terminator 2 soundtrack to be played

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  10. #10


    Should I die in a combat zone, box me up and ship me home and tell my mother I done my best. But in reality, I'd fancy having a metal rendition of Mozart's Requiem Mass in D minor during my funeral. Afterward, should my plan of having a feast in my honor with the main course my own body fail, I would like to be put on a longboat with all my wealth and sent to the sea and then have a burning arrow set aflame my boat sending myself and my personal wealth into the sea.

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