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Thread: Advice about my dad and I

  1. #1

    Default Advice about my dad and I

    I need some advice from others in or have been in the situation I am facing now.

    I love my dad and I would never change him for anyone in the world. However... Over the last year now, I am worried that him and I are beginning to fall out with each other.

    My dad has had many operations on his neck. Basically all of his discs have fallen apart and he is in constant pain everyday. Ever since I was 13, all of us in our family have had to look after him. He can walk but can't do too much heavily lifting or bending over etc.

    Since then, we have had to move house three times as with less income coming in and now have moved into a house which needs a major revamp. (boiler, bathroom, kitchen etc).

    My dad has been going on to us all about how we can't afford anything.

    Now, I told my dad about my attempted suicide at college a few years ago and since then, things have changed. I understand he was worried about my well being, but a lot of stress I suffer comes from him. I don't think he took me being gay too well and doesn't understand my AB side at all. He thinks I need o see someone to get it out of me.

    I understand a lot of the time he is in pain, but he never takes responsibility for anything he does wrong. NEVER. It's always me or someone else, but never him.

    I don't know what I want to do in life. I have been like that for ages. Nothing jumped out at me, so I took a year off to earn some money. However my dad keeps saying I need to choose a career path, and whenever I say anything like I don't know, he'll respond 'well if you want to waste your life away then go ahead'

    Number one, I nearly died at college and have this fear about going back into education. It was the worst 3 years of my life and has affected me very badly.

    Number two: I enjoy making money and being able to do my own thing.

    We fell out a few months ago when I wanted to go on holiday to Florida on my own. He doesnt think I can cope and when my mum confronted him about it, he gave us both the silent treatment. He still says stuff like I need to learn what's goin on in the real world and how it works. Now I am autistic and I am aware how things can be difficult for me, but I know what the real world is. I work. I save money, I have a wonderful boyfriend who has changed my life (even if he lives across the pond) I just feel really depressed whenever he says anything to me. I'm going to see a therapist about all this but he doesn't want to go as he feels it's a waste of time. I was supposed to see someone yesterday but I had to work because we are so short staffed at the minute, and he ranted at me big time.

    I just need some advice from anyone on anything I should say or do. Hope it all makes sense. Typing on an iPhone with a few minutes lunch break isn't easy. Love to you all x

  2. #2


    For the issues with your dad, I'd suggest trying to find a mediator of some kind. Maybe a family member, or a professional, who will sit down with you and your dad and talk things over.

    There's some truth in what he says. Many people at your age aren't sure of their future career, or change their minds all the time. But at the end of the day, you need to have a directioin you're going. Whether it's academics or a trade or something. It's best to make up your mind early, and I'm 100% convinced that your dad would like to see the day where you come home being successful in whatever career path you choose. It's understandable that he urges you a bit there as, with all those surgeries, he may face the fact that he may not live as long as other people to see his kids succeed.
    He may also be right in terms of your trip to Florida. I know a few autistic ABs, and I found they're sometimes a bit unobservant with unusual things and situations. That, however is an annoyance, not a reason to not go on a trip. There's ways to prepare for this.
    At the end of the day, your best way is to show your dad that you can manage the obstacles life throws in your way. That there's a reason you made certain choices and that you'll be able to do that trip on your own. At the end of the day, it's a matter of compromise. I'm sure your dad's willing to do so because he may realize that he'll need your help in the future, and while it's natural to want to get away from your parents and to show that you can live on your own, your and your family's special sitaution may make it beneficial for supporting each other a bit more and a bit longer. But that needs compromise.


  3. #3


    Are dads sound similar. He knows I'm bi and a AB/sissy. He thinks it is something i do for attention. He never takes responsibility or anything. He complains that i don't call but every time I call him he criticizes me on something. In your case i understand your trying to be there for him. In my case i have pretty much cut ties with he man. He says i need grow up and be more independent (even though i made the choice to go to job-corp on my own) But he has never been independent himself. He went from his moms house to my moms house to my stepmothers house. He's so hypocritical.

  4. #4


    Im 31 and 3 years ago my father died. My mother is an alcoholic and slowly killing herself. Be happy he cares about your well being at least.

  5. #5


    I think I can see a little of where your father is coming from.
    He is what about 40-50 years old. He is supposed to be taking care of his family but because of his back he can't. He is in constant pain and if this has been going on for 7 years he is feeling quite useless and frustrated.
    His lashing out at you and the rest of your family isn't right and deep inside he knows that also.
    Then he sees you growing up and doing a lot of the things he should be doing and it just adds to it.
    All of this is wrong and not your fault but that doesn't help you.
    Seeing a therapist is definatly a move in the right direction. It is too bad he won't go with you but you can't make him.
    You seem to be on the right path and by all means don't feel bad about taking time for yourself.

  6. #6


    Here's my advice, I had a feeling numbering it would make it easier for you to take in, I hope this helps you tkuk:
    1. Your dad is being hypocritical, he cannot care for himself and he criticizes you caring for yourself.
    2. The College System is inundated w/ slowness, excess, propaganda, and bullshit. If it didn't work for you, then take another track, you sound independent so go that track.
    3. Have you considered community college part time? It isn't as academic and can give you a decent skilled labor job w/ better income.
    4. Tell your dad you'll make your own way just like 6 billion others do every day, the idea of a fixed career in a chaotic world is nice, but not always attainable just like having a fully functioning body is unfortunately not there for your dad, tell him to deal w/ the fact that life sucks and you're at least upholding yourself.
    5. The gay thing is tough, if you're an only child then there's the whole "continuity of bloodline" thing to deal with, and he would understandably want to have descendants just as his forefathers did before him. If this is the case you'll have to work with him on this... You might be fighting instinct on this though so good luck.
    6. The infantilism thing just compounds the gay thing... He thinks you're more "out of whack" and proving to him otherwise, or proving it doesn't matter, or just getting him to suck it up, will be difficult.

    This is how I see your situation, maybe it'll help you organize your thoughts and come up with a course of action?
    Best of luck,

  7. #7


    i really feel or you man, my dad will never take responsiblitiy even though they had to put me on antipsycoitics (seroquel) just to be able to get through a day without wanting him dead.

  8. #8


    Thank you for all of your advice. We had a little chat and things seem to be ok.

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