I mean, I knew from the very first time my wife agreed to participate in a roleplay session with me that it wasn't going to work - she just wasn't connecting at all, and the whole thing really grossed her out in the end. Even more so now, the very idea of it is repulsive to her, and I find myself more and more self-limiting my involvement with the physical ageplay to not only times when I'm by myself, but specifically opportunities where she is going to be gone most of the day, which are few and far between...
It didn't really dawn on me until very recently that there just is no way to avoid the simple fact that this is a component of my sexuality that is, so long as I am married to her, going to be limited to my mind and my pen, never to be fulfilled on a physical level.
And, as I consider this fact, it hurts. It hurts because I know my thoughts wander regularly now, as I participate here and on other forums.
It hurts because I fear I'm devolving into an HNG, taking multiple extra glances at every adult female profile I encounter, each one in the back of my mind potentially a new mate, someone that could fulfill this lust for playing the role of Daddy to a naughty little girl.
It hurts because I do love the woman in that next room, and I know there's not another woman on the planet that would tolerate my idiosyncracies the way she does, my gaming addictions, my lack of attention to housework, my bouts of inexplicable melancholy, my struggles with completing tasks I take on, and I can't imagine me looking at her and saying "I don't want to be with you because of this" in spite of how much I care for her and how much I know she cares for me.
So I'm just sitting here and hurting, because I really just don't know what to do with this epiphany, this realization, this cold pronouncement of finality regarding this issue. I just don't know what the fuck to do, and that hurts worse than all the rest of it.