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Thread: Behavior towards family.

  1. #1
    CrinklySiren

    Default Behavior towards family.

    I dont know if this is the right place to put this post but if anything someone can just move it.

    Ive noticed that I have a hard time showing love to my family, like my mom, dad, brother (well i dont particularly like my brother so that doesnt really count), my cousins,.. pretty much my entire family except for maybe my cousins who live in south america that I barely get to see. Not that i'm beat up about this or anything, I mean dont get me wrong it does kinda suck to realize I cant treat with love those who treat me with love, though I do respect them all.

    I can never seem to be loving towards a family member even though I do love them very much. Its hard for me to say kind words like I love you or I miss you, and I always have this hard shell of an exterior towards my family, even those who have personally told me that they look up to me. I use to be very loving and caring but since I got into College (about 5 years ago) its been like i cant show them any love though I do love them and they know (at least I hope they know).

    However I have no problem being all lovey with my very close friends and my wife (my wife for obvious reasons), I can be very heartfelt and warm with my close friends regardless of gender..

    So i guess the real question is, is this common behavior? Has/Is anyone else going/gone through this? Im interested in hearing everyone's opinions on this

    (p.s. dont suggest a psychologist because I dont need one, im perfectly happy, im just curious as to the reasoning behind my inability to show love towards my blood relatives.)

  2. #2

    Default

    This could be caused by one of two things in my opinion.

    1. Family Conflict
    Families are dynamic units, and it is true that one bad apple can spoil the bunch. When there's conflict in a family, sides form. One person can divide a family in half. I think you need to observe the constellations of power in your family. You mentioned that you're not very fond of your brother. Is it possible that he has more interaction with your family, and because of that, you tend to stay away because of him?

    2. Reliance on Others
    The older you get, the more reliant on others outside of your family you get. It's been five years since you've been in college, and you've begun to bond more with friends rather than family. You don't need your family as much because you have other support systems (even a family yourself now). You are more easygoing with friends and your wife because you're around them more, and you're more comfortable with them as a result.

    Another fact is time. The longer you go without showing affection towards your family, the harder it gets, and the harder your exterior shell gets. So my advice: reassess the relationship with your brother if possible, and tell someone in your family that you love them.

  3. #3

    Default

    It could also be that as you have developed more of your own autonomous or individual-experiential personality traits...though you 'love' your 'original family'...that you simply don't identify with them anymore...at least on the same level.

    Let me put it this way...if you were to meet them on the street (as strangers), would you be inclined to hangout and talk with the people of your family, and do stuff? Would you feel at ease, comfortable, inspired, and complemented by their presence? I think this may essentially be one of the same things that causes some people who become 'in-love' to fall out of love as they grow (or fail to grow) in considerably different directions, and the dependence (or reliance as Auby put it)...is no longer in tact.

  4. #4
    CrinklySiren

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Auby View Post
    This could be caused by one of two things in my opinion.

    1. Family Conflict
    Families are dynamic units, and it is true that one bad apple can spoil the bunch. When there's conflict in a family, sides form. One person can divide a family in half. I think you need to observe the constellations of power in your family. You mentioned that you're not very fond of your brother. Is it possible that he has more interaction with your family, and because of that, you tend to stay away because of him?
    My brother has never been a family person... he shows more interaction with my aunt on my mothers side, but I dont care about that, as far as my parents go... well let me put it to you this way, I left to Chile for a month on vacation, they told me that the house has never been quieter and more boring with me, so despite the fact that I dont show them much love, they seem to love having me around.

    In other words, what Im trying to say is, no, my brother does not interact with my parents more than I do, he stays in his room all day long.

  5. #5

    Default

    I have a similar issue to yours. I really want to just go and give my mum a hug at times and say something nice to her, but I can't get myself do it or generally open up to her.

    I think your issues are two-fold: society and time. You're a guy and you're 22, that means for the last 10 years or so you've been expected by your peers to "Man up" which means being seen to be less dependant on your immediate family and lots of affection, especially publicly, would spoil that image. At the same time you are actually becoming more independent and need them less. The inevitable outcome is less 'loving' interaction with them and as time goes by the thought seems stranger.
    You might love them very much, but I think if you haven't acted in the way you wish to for a long time is doesn't seem an appropriate thing to do. Almost like an admission of needing them if you don't, I'm not saying that's right but I think it's a partially inbuilt response after years of conditioning.

    My advice would be just to try a little bit at a time. Saying you love them is quite a hard thing, saying thank you for things and being nice in little ways often might help you open up. Otherwise give it a few years and you might find it easier once you're fully past the 'growing up' phase.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by WoodlandWanderer View Post
    I have a similar issue to yours. I really want to just go and give my mum a hug at times and say something nice to her, but I can't get myself do it or generally open up to her.
    I have the opposite issue when I go to hug mum she pushes me away because I'm distracting her.

  7. #7
    teddybear206

    Default

    finally someone who gets me, i hate pepole especally my family.

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by teddybear206 View Post
    finally someone who gets me, i hate pepole especally my family.
    I think you've completely misunderstood the OP's post. His issue is that he does love his family, but finds himself unable to show them he does. That is as far as you can get from hating them.

  9. #9

    Default

    I can relate. I avoid family gatherings like the plauge and it's not cause I hate my family. For me, it's cause I am NOT COMFORTABLE in those settings. I prefer to be left to my own devices and not bothered. I couldn't wait to leave the last family gathering I was at near Christmas and get hammered drunk off my ass. Family bores me and I do love them. It's just I don't fit in with my family.

    My aunts help me out a lot and so deos my grandmother when she's coherent. One helped me get out of my old apartment complex with the money to cover the remainder of my lease and furniture so I do love my family- I just hate gatherings. I am NOT comfortable in them.

    I love my family, but I hate the gatherings and being away from what I am familar with. Last time I went to a gathering while people opened presents, I watched my digitized 'Dallas' episodes on my netbook in the stairwell and sipped on a bottle of Mountain Dew as I munched on a pizza. I hate trips to somewhere I don't remember a lot of people and being around family and not in my comfort zone.

    I love my family but I don't like being away from my familar elements. So, I can relate in a way. I do love my family, but hate the gatherings with a passion.

    WildThing121675

  10. #10

    Default

    i am very much the same as many of you guys, it is extremely difficult for me to show affection or any positive emotion towards my family except laughter, i can laugh, i laugh a lot :] not at people, but with people. but hugging, telling them i love them, that's impossible for me, at least when it comes to my family, i can tell my girlfriend i love her, easy, but not my family. :/
    cant even tell them i miss them or anything, just so extremely difficult.

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