When indecision is caused by many layers of thought, does that indicate great depth, or great confusion?
I am seriously hesitant to describe my problem on this forum, because I am certain the majority of the responses will prematurely diagnose it as withdrawal or purging of diapers. It is true that they remain my favorite fantasy, and in real life it has manifested as childlike energy and cheerfulness, on top of having made me more desiring of physical contact than most men, even in an increasingly feminine society. Regardless, I will give you the gist of the problem, and through your responses, give more specific information.
Since almost two years ago, due to a series of relatively traumatic events, I've been trying to change into a more sociable person, and make real-life friends. This effort has been overwhelmingly successful, and not only do I have 4-6 very good friends in the same apartment complex, but I am an officer in a campus fraternity and senator on the SGA. Somehow I got status as well as friends.
However, the SGA and my friends, while very awesome, are corrupt. Feeling ripped off by rising tuition, we often plot ways to allocate club funding to things that would ultimately (or directly) benefit us, such as 1 TB hard drives for the IT club to use, hard drives which would then be forgotten. I'm falling into this pattern myself, unfortunately. My philosophy has always been one of minimalism, where I rarely buy myself things and make do with what I have, but nowadays that belief is giving way to selfishness, a disposition that is not so hesitant to obtain this-and-that. This is very troublesome to me because one of the key elements of my philosophy is honesty. It's a big strain for me to ask for, or take, things that I don't earn, but at the same time I see my friends going through the channels and collecting a lot of their own things, which is overly frustrating to me.
I used to spend a good majority of my time on the internet, but since two years ago my policy was that friends will trump anything internet-related. Once I'd made friends, about a year ago, I suddenly found myself away from the computer a good deal. Now it's to the point where I'm hardly online before 11 PM. My online friends, who have spent the most time with me, and who have learned all of my secrets, and whose advice I trust the most, are more and more difficult to contact. I have told my real-life friends little things about me, but when they didn't reciprocate, I was less eager to open up. I can't talk about my feelings unless the mood is already somber and they aren't busy, and even then, only in a one-on-one talk. And even then, there's too much to say, and a part of me still feels guilty for not keeping up appearances and appearing weak. They listen quite well when I do open up, but only one has anything to say in return.
I've gotten myself wrapped up in school projects and SGA affairs, of which there are a lot. Not only do I not have time for my other hobbies, but I consider them less important, despite the fact that they are integral to my character. It's to the point where my physical energy and my hobbies are leaving me. Bottom line, I'm depressed. Perhaps the willful giving up of my favorite things has started a chain reaction, where I feel fine with not being happy as long as I'm doing what I should be doing. The point is, it looks like I can either continue building my social status at the cost of my personality, or change directions and attempt to rekindle my child side at the cost of real-world opportunities.
I'm seriously undecided here. Either way is a slippery slope, and I lack the emotional support of my online friends to keep me from reverting too far, not to mention my real-life friends encouraging socialization. My recent physical weakness is a definite indicator that something is seriously wrong, that I've lost my balance. I'll clarify what's at stake here. If I continue as I am now, I risk losing the most interesting things about me: my depth, philosophy and energy. But if I seek to reclaim my personality, I risk losing the respect of my friends, and the mental changes that brought about my social life: hygiene, politics, and time management.
I really don't want to hear hackneyed answers. Unless the solution is blindingly obvious and I'm the only one that doesn't get it, I want you to seriously consider your response. It's not urgent at all, but very important to me.