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Thread: The 'I'm going to tell' Phenomenon!

  1. #1

    Default The 'I'm going to tell' Phenomenon!

    So, I've been thinking a lot recently on why so many people these days seem to want to tell their family and friends about being a TB. Notice I've written TB there and not AB, because it seems to me that it's only teenagers that seem to have this desire to tell everyone (and I'm by no means saying that no adults will want to tell, or all teens want to, it's just a rough generalisation!). Obviously notable exceptions being adults who are in a committed relationship with someone which is likely to be for the rest of their lives.

    When I first joined ADISC almost 4 years ago there were few threads asking about telling people close to the user, and when there were, there was always an abundance of replies telling the poster not to do it.

    Recently, there seem to be a lot more threads saying that people have told their friends or family, and that it's gone well, and a lot more threads of people asking whether they should, or how to go about doing it. And when these threads do come up, there are a lot more mixed responses. People are much more likely to weigh up the pros and cons. While the consensus seems to generally still be that if the potential consequences are greater than the potential gains then people shouldn't bother, a lot more people are coming down on the 'yes go for it, tell the people close to you' side.

    So, have we as a community changed?

    Here are my potential reasons for this;

    1. Society as a whole is more accepting of strange things now, so there is less risk for our younger members when telling a friend or family member.
    2. Younger generations have a 'I must be accepted' mindset, and are more willing to tell in order to gain acceptance, even if the consequences could be terrible.
    3. As a community we are striving to become more accepted in society, so are encouraging people to tell more.
    4. People care less what others think of them now.

    So... my question to you all is this; why (as a community) to we seem to be much more open to telling other people? Where has this drive to make everyone aware of us come from? Has this shift actually happened or is it all in my head?


  2. #2


    Two things the younger generation has been indoctrinated into thinking that something that sets them apart from the crowd is something to be celebrated which is fine but remember that in the rush to be accepted you are given no pointers on what to do if you tell someone and it freaks them out. Worse they start laughing because they can't imagine anything so ridiculous thats what happened to me the first time I tried to tell someone. If the person you are trying to "come out" to can't deal with it doesn't make them a bad person.

    I think the far more dangerous trend of the younger generation is to do all of those things we used to in the privacy of our own bedrooms with the added feature of "Oh I have a webcam so I'll put it on Youtube"
    1. Don't do it
    2. for the love of God kids if you are going to do it hide your face and make sure there is nothing in view of the camera that can give away your general geographic location

    The number of people I have told in real life I can number on the fingers of one hand because in my experience you can only trust 99% of people up to a to a point and keeping my deepest darkest sexual fantasies a secret generally doesn't fall into that category.

    As per this more acceptance in society you are talking about I just don't see it. Sort of maddening actually with Med Fet, Watersports and BDSM now looked on as sort of hum-drum by most folks I'm amazed how many people still flip out if you bring ageplay into the mix.

  3. #3


    Alll of these posts tap into what makes us human. If we feel excited about something we are experiencing a flood of endorphines and want to share or connect this experience with someone else. Seratonin also plays into this in a much different way. It is perhaps a combination of both. One chemical induces the thoughts of love and survival while the other promotes laughter, appreciation, and acceptance. When the feeling of wearing is new and exciting our level of caution goes out the window much like the feeling of falling in love. When we are under this influence we may want to announce it to the world. We are not always apt to make the best decisions while in love. It's all consuming.

    On the flip-side of this emotion is dread and anxiety. Let's say you played a prank on someone. You may soon wonder if you've gone too far and could in result hurt this person's feelings. The next natural step is to tell someone else of the prank to recieve conformation on your decision based on their reaction of what you just told them. This also plays into the feelings of being diapered. With little reasoning behind it other than an "unsober" mind, we may seek that same type of confirmation from a neutral subject. This is called affirmation.

    A good example to understand this desire is to lightly compare it to the affects of alcohol. Alcohol when consumed alters our mood and hence alters our decision making process. We may/will make different decisions and conclusions while sober than under the influence.

    I can completely understand the desire to tell someone. I have often been at work and when a co-worker asks what I'm doing this weekend I have heartfully wished I could say I'm gunna put a diaper on. This is much like the fantasy of "getting caught wearing". It is an intoxicating thought.

    When we stop for a second to evaluate how odd this would seem to someone we can appreciate the magnitude of it. Remember, it is completely human to want to share this desire but reality can be brutal.
    I posted this on an earlier thread. As I'm not sure that things have changed about human nature in recent years, I do believe that because of "tolerance" being inscripted on younger minds it is more natural to seek affirmation on needs/desires. In today's day and age many closet type behaviors are being spoon fed and trickled into mainstream media.

  4. #4


    I'm not so sure anything on here has actually changed much. I think what happened started with a number of teen users deciding (for whatever combination of reasons work for them) they were going to tell someone. The oldies try to talk them out of it but they've already made up their mind when making the thread and do it anyway.
    User comes back going "yeah it went great, so glad I told someone!" The ones who get a neutral or mildly negative response we don't really hear from, so selection bias of the positive stories propagate. More teens considering telling (for again unknown combination of reasons) see the positive feedback which convinces them it will go well so they tell as well - some feed back, cycle continues.
    I think it's going to continue like that until (sadly) one user is going to tell because of all of this and is going to have a really bad reaction and very much regret it, after which people might think a bit more about if it's really worth it. I don't think it's a question of if this will happen, it's a question of when.

    I don't believe the older users on this site (by older I mean time spent here, not necessarily physical age) are actually advocating this new phase of telling people. If you look at the posters in the threads past and present, I suspect you will find it's a hoard of new members encouraging it, not old members changing their tune.

    The question then is why are the younger generation fixated on telling? I'm struggling to understand myself and I'm only 19 in a week! It's well documented that younger people tend to be more liberal and open minded, but I don't see that having changed to an enormous degree in the past few years. I'd be interested to see if it's a cultural thing - whether most of these younger members telling are in the US, Canada, UK or elsewhere. I know being furry seems to be much more normal in the US than in the UK, so maybe something like that is driving the change?
    Perhaps the best approach is just to ask some of the members who've told why they did it?

  5. #5

  6. #6


    I have "told" a few people and for me its a let down in some respects. Like taking away a secret. I am overly romantic anyway, but I love the "mysterious" side of having a secret. Especially when I other don't know and they get into topic about "how weird fetish XYz is" and I can have an inner smile while listening intently to them yammer.

    On a side note: Tell me if I am wrong about this observation, When someone initiates a talk about a fetish (as opposed to commenting about something on TV or Internet) it means two things; 1. they have a secret desire to try it out or 2. they are already ass deep into the fetish and want to gauge your reaction.

    Overall I thank or Blame the Gay movement for telling the world "Hey I am what I am, and fuck you if your don't like me for it". Some of our younger folks see that a person can demand to be treated equal regardless of the taboo and stigma forced on them by society? Mom and Dad? Culture? Take your pick.

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by BabyArtie View Post
    Blame Facebook.

    Yep. It seems to me that the younger generation has no concept of privacy. I mean, the UK has cameras everywhere now. The United States has made it so you have to be porno-scanned or groped to get onto an airplane. Now parents are told that if they lose sight of their children for a split second the kids will be abducted. Hell, in the U.S. and Canada, everyone wants an "open concept" house where everything is just one big room so that the parents can see their kids while they cook dinner or whatever. Now we have Facebook and other social media, and today's kids have never lived in a world where the internet and cell phones were not ubiquitous, let alone didn't exist at all. Of course, I can't forget the helicopter parents that have to know where their children are at every second, either.

    The point-kids today have no idea what privacy is, and parents and governments are going out of their way to ensure that what little privacy we have left is dismantled and destroyed in the name of security and safety. These kids think that everyone is supposed to know everything about them, so why wouldn't they want to tell? They've never lived in a world where they were allowed to keep anything to themselves.

  8. #8


    The kids that have grown up with social networking seem to think privacy and secrets are bad things. I really don't get how anyone could feel better knowing that thier parents and friends know about thier kinks but these kids do.

  9. #9


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    I blame Glee.

    In this episode (if the picture I attached works), all of the students are encouraged to wear a t-shirt indicating their "deepest, darkest secret." The idea is that by revealing your insecurities and seeing that your friends still love and accept you it becomes easier to love and accept yourself for who you are - the good and the bad.

    While I do not actually blame Glee - I do think that this mindset has grown tremendously over the past few years. In the past two years, almost every major female pop artist who released an album had a major single about being proud and loving who you are - especially your differences - on their last albums: Lady Gaga's "Born This Way," Kesha's "We R who we R," Pink's "Pretty, Pretty Please," and to a lesser extent Katie Perry's "Fireworks." As has already been mentioned, the "It gets better" movement has also had an impact on people of other taboo areas.

    I also have another theory, although I could be completely off based on this one. I believe the older generation has had time to accept themselves. For most of them, their binge/purge cycles have long ended. It is possibly this fact that makes it more difficult for them to empathize with younger member's needs to feel accepted. When threads pop up (every single day), younger members urge their peers to throw it all out there so that they can vicariously feel accepted as well. The older members do not share this desire because they have already accepted themselves and thus do not need to hear another parent say "it's alright" in order to justify their actions. Therefore, the older members give, in my opinion, a more unbiased perspective. However, I do think that sometimes the older members push too hard against the idea of opening up because likely they grew up with parents that are not as open as the current generation's parents and, thus, overestimate the risks.

    I strongly relate to these TBs and their need for acceptance as I was exactly in their shoes not long ago. I was struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies and decided to go to my university's free counseling center. Luckily, I was assigned to an incredible therapist that helped me change my perspective. He is bisexual and also attended the same conservative, religious institution as I did. He helped me figure out that I was having a hard time feeling loved and accepted. Although I had lots of supportive family and friends, I never felt their love because I believed that if they knew ALL of me, that their love would be withheld and, therefore, their love was invalid.

    He suggested that I show them ALL of me, including what I considered the worst parts of me (my fetish, asexuality, and other things), so that I could finally believe that they loved me. And if they didn't, then I was better off without them. Well I gradually emailed some of my closest friends and some family members by internet. I told them what the therapist said and why I needed to tell them. All of them wrote back with their love and support. Nothing has ever helped me emotionally as much as those few emails.

    I do not write this to suggest that telling people about their AB/DLness is a good idea. However, I think given the right situation and the right reasons it can be. In my position, I feel good about who I am now and so have no need to ever tell another person about this side of me.

    Also, I feel like I am wearing a big, white t-shirt that says "I watch Glee and listen to female pop artists." I hope that you can all love and accept me despite this embarrassing revelation.

    Wow - I just saw how long that post was. Sorry - I guess this topic just struck a chord with me.
    Last edited by Near; 25-May-2012 at 21:55.

  10. #10


    I do agree or at least wonder if social media is having something to do with it. It does seem that teens are way way open about, well almost everything, and there isn't much thought to privacy anymore. Off-topic, but is it normal to be such a gap of thoughts/feelings between teens are people 19-23? Just seems weird that, at least in my case, that there is at most a 7 year gap, yet in that time everything has changed so much O_O.

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