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Thread: I don't know anymore....

  1. #1

    Default I don't know anymore....

    Hey everyone, for those who know me (and it isn't many since i'm a very closed off person...) you may know what this is about. Let me catch everyone else up to date...

    I had a really bad time with my parents for years. Depression, AB/DL frustration, and nearly died twice of suicide attempts, which never panned out, guess that counts for something right? Anyway, so I met someone online, we chatted, and after a while of video calling and talking and her accepting me for who I am, I left home under bad circumstances.

    We got together (as friends), had a fun time. Her ex came home from the army, never liked me. He got into a fight and her and her room-mate got into it with him. Long story short, they stopped trying to get back together. Then her and I got together, after several assurances it wasn't her trying to deal with her ex and whatnot with the major fight.

    It was great, everything was going well. Then she did some little things, said I was lying all the time (some of which I was, it's hard to stop lying after eighteen years of being unable to talk to anyone honestly without fear of death.) Which I explained to her. Then after I proposed and she said yes, it went even worse. It was great and all, perfect and I felt happy for once. The depression was gone and I was living well. Then she started trying to change who I was, expect high things of me without communicating and so on. Threw the engagement in my face three or four times, then reconsidered and stayed with me.

    Then in January she got tired of me not changing in the few week time-span she'd been apparently given me, and left me for good. I had to make plans to go back home, and she left for home as well as the roomie. That was six months ago. From then until the time I moved home, I was treated like a being less than dirt, her room-mate randomly started hating me and she treated me like I was nothing, would barely speak to me. I got majorly depressed then, and it really didn't help...

    I wore occasionally and was even given crap about that even though she said if I wore it was my choice and to keep it away from her.... So i did. Wearing barely helped at all and I felt even worse half the time.... I started looking at sharp objects in old ways again... Anyway, i'm home now and she won't even answer my phone calls.... even though she said we could stay friends.

    I got home about a week ago.... Things are going somewhat better now, but i'm just feeling empty inside again.... trying to distract myself with games and the prospect of a new job coming and getting a car, but i'm just.... I don't know, feeling terrible. Yeah I know the whole just lost a fiancee and all of that but it feels like it's worse than that... I don't know what I'm gaining by posting this, or what I'm hoping to get from this, i just don't know where else to go....

  2. #2


    James707, you sound young, maybe in your early twenties.

    Please remember that early adult life brings TONS of drama and we learn to react to it thinking it's normal. Well, it is normal and it's in the recipe for learning who we are and what we really need. It's up to you to figure it out among the noise. A tool I used, and still use, is to put on my headphones with my fav music and try to imagine where you would like to be next. Maybe even a few years from now. Music has a way of separating our emotions from a busy life. It can weed out all of the harshness and abrasives in our setting and let us focus on who we really are. Most folks find solace in going to work and suceeding while others find redemption in exploring what makes thier heart "tick". The combinations are infinite. Kinda like chess: survey, comprehend, plan, excecute without remorse. Fail or succeed you have done what is only your plan of action. There is always time to try again!

    What I am entailing here is: Redirect your course.

    I work with someone who suffers from depression and and has related much to about what you have said. It's not easy but it can be done. Even though your family is a friction point they are the ones who can understand and love you the most in the end. True friends are hard to find but they are out there. You just have to be patient.

    May you find happiness and be strong!

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