hey,my names dan,im 29.
i really want to get some advice and help.
my life is very poor.
my girlfriend died 4 years ago and since then ive really gone down hill.
ive worn nappies since i was able to get nappies (13 or 14)but now since about 4 years ago,i now am in nappies all the time.
i dont really go out,i dont really have friends,i dont get on with family (that has always been the way,since a little kid) i just live in their house.
i go to work,but work is easy,in a stockroom/warehouse environment,i just wear jeans so its easy to hide im in nappies.
i am so alone and feel like this is how things are going to be froever,i cant *feel* that love fro a girl again.i want that,but theres nothing inside of me,no spark.the girl i lost was my soulmate,and you dont get that twice,lucky to find it once.the time with my girl was the absolute best time of my life,the only time ive ever felt loved or wanted or like i mattered,we would hang out all night,doing nothing,it was a cellular existence,just me and her away from the world,the world didnt matter (and now im left alone in my away from the world we made and the world doesnt matter still).she was the centre of my world and now theres nothing left.
i also dont think i girl would like me now anyway.
i do not subscribe to the acting like a baby,and its also not a sexual thing,although an aspect of that occured later (find sites that had girls in nappies,they look sexy,but its also more of a reinforcement,if they wear nappies too,ok i know they dont really in real life,theyre paid models,but it sort of normalizes it)
it has benn so long,i now dont feel like wearing nappies is wrong,and i dont associate with the toilet.i dont think i'm incontinent,but i dont hold on to empty my bladder or bowels now.this has gradually got worse.poop can come out whilst im walking,and pee comes out when i go to sit down.i dont know if i wet the bed,because i will usually pee before i fall to sleep,and pee when i wake up.
its a very limiting or restricting thing.its not like its the only reason,but i can use it as an excuse why i cant get a girlfriend again,or why i dont go out.
but on the flipside they really make me feel 100 times better.
i dont really get spells of extreme depression or anxiety anymore (right after my girl died i think i had a breakdown.i began to worry about death and symptoms so much.a most memorable time,i looked in the mirror to check my pupils were both the same size,fearing a stroke of haemorage or something,then i left the mirror and went straight back to it a second later to check) its not a way to live,i would get so many migraines (one time i had a migraine for 10 days) which then increased the level of panic and worry...,brain tumour,aneurysm etc.
i would also be in really bad moods all the time.and also really bad at sleeping,waking up with panic in the middle of the night.
now in nappies all that has gone,im just sort of numb all the time.
ive been to therapist for bereavement and stuff,i did bring this up and it was a huge stumbling block,they didnt know what it meant or what to do.
i think if i wasnt in nappies the extreme anxiety and all of that mess would come back,and i probably would be here much longer.
i dont really know what to do,or where to go from here.
i want life to feel like it matters again,i want to not be alone anymore.i crave the closness and affection from a girl,but all that seems unattainable,from another life ago.
i dont think im going to ever be out of nappies again,i do sometimes think about this (one thing i do struggle with is the 4th degree toilet attendants give me when i need to go and get changed,like why am i using the disabled/baby change loo),but been around online enough,its sort of given that its a deep ingrained part of me.
so its about learning to live with it....,but then thats learning to cope with a behaviour that in its self is there to cope with loss and heartbreak.
im not a bad person,i never cheated on my girl,or any girl ever,i dont do drugs or drink or smoke.
ive sort of backed my self into a corner or into a hole that theres no coming back from.
i certainly dont want to be alone forever.
it would be really helpfult to talk to people.