It's really just not worth it to me, It's dissociating me from things I truly love. A lot of people may assume that it's impossible to give this up completely, and I agree, atleast giving up that part of me I mean, but except for a few occasions when I was a kid, I've had this part of me without acting upon it for about 19 years and was fine and happy as could be. Then when I got a job and a little more privacy I thought, "Hey, why not express and experience this part of me now! " ( I've always been way more of an ab, and hardly a dl at all so, and not even the whole roleplay as a baby type thing just simply wearing and such, mostly for me its all comfort items, diapers, binkys, my teddy bear and little blankey , so it's not to big a thing, and I figured repressing it was worth than not since it is so harmless )
But I've found it's just not worth it. I'm not a very private person normally and am very close to my family and have quite a few friends I'm very close to who I see alot, and even though I'm single now, most of my past relationships have been very "close" as in we would usually casually live together or be with each other most every moment, and this just doesn't fit in with any of that. The people I know are actually very open minded and especially my closest friends I'm positive wouldn't give a second thought if they knew, but it's still not worth it to me, no one really minds that I have cutesy things like carry binkies around or a teddy bear or anything, but still I'd rather them not know. Since I mostly use by wearing 24/7, wether I use them or not, I have to order alot, and obviously indulge in alot more privacy, even knowingly keeping secrets from people I care about such as "oh hey something came in the mail for you, what is it? " and I'd reply "oh nothing" then they'd be all like " oh, okay". And wearing around people adds a huge element of worry, which is worse than the comfort and happiness I'd get from it. Not to mention hiding things around my room and being worried people might find stuff, hiding stuff on my computer especially when I'm using it, like this forum. And the list goes on and on.
Some people might say to just only indulge so often, but thats almost worthless to me. Since its more of a huge comfort and psychological thing to me, I'm not like most DLs who can wear, enjoy, then stop, or even most ABs who might be able to regress and pretend for a while then stop for a while, because its more of a background thing for me, when I wear I don't usually do "anything special", I don't jerk off, I don't act like a baby or do baby things, I just live my life like I normally do but somehow feeling alot happier, or I would, atleast the times I do it alone, but now even alone has made it more worrisome then fun and happy to me I've lived since I was a kid with these thoughts and feelings, but thats all they were till I was 19 or 20, thoughts and feelings, and even just thinking about it so often was enough really, and I was really happy and fine the whole time. And since indulging in this part of me, I've only found added disconnections, anxieties and worries, and that even the comfort and happiness it brings is inhibited by situations. Would I be oober happy if suddenly it was as normal and casual for others as it was for me? If they just happened to notice I was wearing and thought no more of it than if I notice a friend is wearing a particular type of underwear? Of course I'd love that, alot too, but thats not how things are, it's really something that, in my eyes, shouldn't be a big deal, because its not to me at all, but because of the amount of repression and assignments by others it becomes a kind of big deal, you can even take an analogy of a girl in the 50's, or whenever, wearing pants, say to her its just more comfortable and its no big deal, but in the time and situation, since everyone else makes such a big deal about it, it seems to become on, you can add to this, in my situation, that its pretty deeply engrained from childhood, and I find it horrible that I have to suppress something that makes me simply happy, but I do, and I can accept that, I had accepted it for 19 years, and I think even the fact that after awhile of viewing indulging in it seemed utterly impossible, that was better even, because then I slowly stopped thinking about it altogether.
I do not ask any of you to understand my situation, and I'm not looking for advice at all, I just ask you to please respect it. I know I could just simply not come on here anymore but I'm one of those types of people where having access, especially knowing I have an open account, would be a serious distraction akin to a situation kind of like, is it easy to give up diapers when there gone and out of the mind, or to give them up when there sitting there in your closet? I realize this part of me will never go away, and I accept that, I've just lived happy without and know I still can. So If anyone can answer my question that would be awesome, Peace and Love.
Well that's up to you, it just didn't look to me that way from what you've said but maybe thats only the tip of the iceberg ^_^
Good luck to you