I'm nervous! I'm not the best at social interaction ANYway, so I come to a forum dedicated to Topics That Must Not Be Named (in mereish's head, anyway) to deal with it? Clearly an awesome plan, y'all.
I go to school -- college undergrad -- with hopes of one day becoming a Real Academic (you know, so I can be taken seriously when I write essays about sex [and gender, and disability, and maybe even forum-dedicated Topics though the thought is terrifying. Still, somehow much less impossible than when in . . . life. Much easier to talk about being all little-girl when I can call it "antifuturity."]) I'm disabled, and all politicized about it, and queer ditto. I do activism about both of these things! I think radical people and politics are neat.
My littler inclinations make everything super-extra complicated. Queer people are supposed to want to have sex, and I don't (not really, and especially not in this context!), and also not to be so straight, when my littleness is all hetero-scripted. Disabled people are REALLY not supposed to want infantilization, and I . . . well. I take refuge in big words and write poetry and things but when I regress I start to lose language. Contrary little thing!
Unlike most of the people at these forums, I DON'T wear diapers. I want to and maybe need to (if you average it out I probably have one [daytime] accident a week, which wouldn't be so bad except it's hard for me to clean myself up when I'm a bit of a mess), but I don't have a lot of physical privacy, or any, and cognitive dissonance is yucky. I've already been -- not, like, successfully -- disguising the pee clothes since I could try. [For those playing along at home, I think it's that cerebral palsy causes motor difficulties -- it's literally where the term "spaz" comes from -- that get worse under stress like really having to pee. I usually make it TO the bathroom! Plus, I neglect a whole bunch of important things without someone around to tell me to be good]. Diapers outside of a littleness context (I don't mean just in play, but if none of the people who knew about them knew I was being little in them) would just make me more sad and confused.
I think I already said I don't want to have sex, but I do find the thought/experience of someone taking care of me well and by choice intensely erotic. Oh, god. Something to do with the shame, I think [and it's practically all I've "gotten off on" -- in terms of actual release -- since forever] [I resist everything, of course, always]. So I'm not sure where that makes me fit in here. But it still feels like a safe place
I think I came to ADISC because I want to be less frickin' miserable about stuff. I first told another person four years ago, and really haven't had any problems disclosing [not that I do it much] and even some successful play experiences since, but I hate myself -- not as much as when I thought I was a pedophile, though, so hey! I just have all these things in my head that tell me everything I crave is dirty (-- well, sometimes it is!) and sinful and wrong, and that's ESPECIALLY silly for a girl who doesn't believe in sin or that wrongness exists!
What else? I really do write poetry, and am kinda a freak for grammar and format so the post-writing box is unsettling me with its lack of word wrap.