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Thread: Anyone else still battling depression?

  1. #1

    Default Anyone else still battling depression?

    Now before you think its another depressed, I hate the world, poor me thread. It's not. I want to talk about this middle ground I seem to find my self in.

    I have been battling whit depression for about the age of 5 up till now still. But or the last year I have finally been able to get ahold of it. Most of my close friends and family think that I'm cured. I did to for a while there.

    But lately I want to be depressed. I listen to music start fights with friends and family. What ever I can do to become depressed. I almost feel a need or craving for it.

    I just don't know if this is normal. It's almost like I'm addicted to being depressed.

  2. #2

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    My situation is nothing like yours. I'd say I've been depressed on and off for 2 1/2 years now, but apart from a very select number of friends nobody else knows, it's not even an official diagnosis. I think I may have an idea what you mean though.

    Sometimes I'll be feeling a little down, and unable to do anything productive. Sometimes for quite a while so that when I'm good again I feel I haven't accomplished as much as I should have. Then I'm quite obviously well, so it's hard explaining to others why there have been problems. I think to myself that if I'd been really depressed so that somebody noticed, I'd have some kind of excuse and others would understand.
    Perhaps you're finding that though you seem better, you're not achieving what you thought you might since, or things are going much better as you thought they would. If you're still depressed then that all becomes okay because you still have problems. It's a bit like the depression is a shield you can hide behind (not a nice one it must be said) from some of life's problems, when it's gone you have to face them, and maybe you feel you're not ready.

    I can't say why really, I'm no expert, those on just my thoughts from what I've experienced. Perhaps it would help if you think about if anything is making you stressed or worried, maybe if you get some help sorting anything like that out it might help.
    If nothing changes, talking straight with someone who understands you doesn't usually go astray.

  3. #3

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    I know the feeling. Depression is like a drug in some ways and can make you addicted.
    It fills your heart with pain and sadness, makes you feel empty and tired, and youd do absolutely everything to get rid of it. But sometimes you just cant ignore the voice in your head which tells you that the sweet pain is one of the few things you have.
    Maybe youre afraid of losing this.
    Ive never heard of a depressive five-year-old, but that would mean youve been depressive for about 19 years. The pain is an essential part of your personality, and maybe, even though its horrible, you cant imagine living without it.
    A friend, who is extremely depressive, once said: I hate my life, but I love the hate.
    Hits the nail right on the head.

    Its not easy, but Im sure youll find the right way of coping with your situation.
    Stay strong.

  4. #4

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    i have no idea how depression is addicting, when i'm depressed i feel like a huge bolder is on top of my head crushing my body, i don't eat, and drink very little, i don't get in fights or anything because everything is "meh" and "what ever"

    recently I've had no problem with depression, it mainly just anger nowadays...

  5. #5

    Lightbulb



    Quote Originally Posted by Siege89 View Post
    But lately I want to be depressed. I listen to music start fights with friends and family. What ever I can do to become depressed. I almost feel a need or craving for it.
    It's a total stab in the dark, but I wonder if, since you've been depressed for so long, that's the only mental state in which you know how to express yourself. After a while of "being happy" do you feel like you're holding something in, or "pretending to be happy" and concealing your real emotions?

    I've just started seeing a shrink and he reckons that part of the reason that I'm depressed is that there is a dissonance between the way that I feel and the way that I act... For example, I nearly got knocked off my bike by a driver that didn't look or check his mirrors before pulling out. Instead of shouting or expressing my anger, I pulled a stupid grin, waved, and sarcastically called out "thank you so much"... I hadn't realised how that meant that I had (in the words of my shrink) a lot of "unresolved anger" that I couldn't stop thinking about. Instead of shouting "f*** you!" and being satisfied that the driver had been sufficiently reprimanded, I just become overwhelmed with frustration for hours after the event...



    Quote Originally Posted by WoodlandWanderer View Post
    Sometimes I'll be feeling a little down, and unable to do anything productive. Sometimes for quite a while so that when I'm good again I feel I haven't accomplished as much as I should have. Then I'm quite obviously well, so it's hard explaining to others why there have been problems. I think to myself that if I'd been really depressed so that somebody noticed, I'd have some kind of excuse and others would understand.
    Perhaps you're finding that though you seem better, you're not achieving what you thought you might since, or things are going much better as you thought they would. If you're still depressed then that all becomes okay because you still have problems. It's a bit like the depression is a shield you can hide behind (not a nice one it must be said) from some of life's problems, when it's gone you have to face them, and maybe you feel you're not ready.

    I can't say why really, I'm no expert, those on just my thoughts from what I've experienced.
    From my experience too, I'd say that's incredibly accurate. I genuinely want to get over my depression, but when I get anxious or stressed I sometimes have an overwhelming chain-reaction of thoughts and rather than trying to deal with them it can be paradoxically tempting to say "f*** everything"... and then I feel useless because I can't deal with reality... and start to, almost willingly, slide down the slippery slope to an increasingly isolated and increasingly depressed state. It's terrible -- not only do I genuinely feel really depressed... I feel like a fraud too; as if I'm bringing it on myself or choosing to be depressed (which is a crazy idea really... no one would rationally choose to be depressed!)

    Just recognising that this is what I'm doing, and taking the time to ask myself, "what exactly is stressing me out?" and "how can I very quickly eliminate these concerns?" (e.g. by postponing commitments, by asking for help, or by deciding that my mental health is more important than worrying about how to write an angry letter to my previous energy supplier because they still owe me 50... maybe it would be better to just write-off the 50 and stop being perpetually angry about it...?) has helped.



    Quote Originally Posted by WoodlandWanderer View Post
    Perhaps it would help if you think about if anything is making you stressed or worried, maybe if you get some help sorting anything like that out it might help.
    If nothing changes, talking straight with someone who understands you doesn't usually go astray.
    It seems that I also have generalised and social anxiety disorders and I was surprised that what I thought of as one big lump of depression was actually anxiety and depression mixed together (if that makes sense). When I got anxious I thought I was experiencing increasing symptoms of depression... and depression scares the crap out of me! If I ever get as severely depressed as I have been in the past... I know I won't survive it. So, just being anxious about anything made me more anxious that I would become increasingly depressed and suicidal... which then turned into a vicious circle and left me a gibbering wreck! (Yet still I feel like a fraud who is almost willing this to happen...)

    I haven't been seeing my counsellor for long, but recognising the thought patterns that lead up to a depressed/anxious state has helped a lot. I'd find that, when something made me anxious, my mind would race and I'd remember other things that made me anxious or annoyed me in the same way. Yet most of these thoughts were useless -- just old memories of being anxious; remembering them only made me more anxious. Getting angry about the conversation I had with a bus driver three years ago, re-living everything that was said and then trying to imagine what I should have said and how the bus driver might react, etc., etc. really doesn't help me now. I've probably spent more than a few days of my life (in total) re-living that incredibly stressful experience... and what good has it done me? Learning to simply cut off those thoughts and refusing to allow my mind to jump from a relevant thought about the present to an irrelevant anxious memory of the past has really helped... Although I'm certainly not out of the woods yet.

    Sorry for rambling on... I'm no expert either and can only really talk about my own experiences. But I would say that getting an independent viewpoint (i.e. from a counsellor/psychiatrist/whatever) might help guide you in the direction that you want to be going in...

    Good luck in your battles...
    Last edited by tiny; 08-Apr-2012 at 16:46.

  6. #6
    Butterfly Mage

    Default

    I found three non-drug solutions for depression that worked pretty well for me. They all required effort,nbut it was worth the effort.

    1. I became a vegetarian and also cut a lot of junk out of my diet. Most people don't know that another word for "bovine growth hormone" is "steroid". But everyone knows that steroid use has a profound effect on emotional stability. . So getting rid of meat from my diet also also got rid of chemicals that screwed up my mood.

    2. I started exercising more. That also had then side effect of getting me outside more. Regular exercise is a great way to boost emotional stability because it stimulates the production of endorphins. Being in sunlight also converts vitamin D to vitamin K.

    3. I quit Christianity and became a Wiccan. For me, it was pretty tough being part of a religion in which the god of that faith viewed me as an "abomination" and in which I somehow deserved to be stoned to death simply for existing. In Wicca, there is no blood sacrifice, no sin debt, no fall of mankind, and no abominations.

    Put all three together, and I have been prescription-free for the past five years.
    Last edited by Butterfly Mage; 08-Apr-2012 at 19:41. Reason: Cleaned up typos that resulted from the Tablet interface

  7. #7

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    My depression started when my dad left me in my mom. And its never been taken care of. Besides the one time she put me on mess, and when I was in middle school I got picked on so much that they said I wad a high risk student.

    After I left home at 17 I tried to get help. But hints where just getting worse for me. I lived with my gf at the time. And I knew she was cheating on me. But I only had a few clues here and there. That went on for 5 years. I did finally catch her a few times in that 5 years but I always took her back.

    She left me for another man for good. Then I moved away from everyone and everything. That's been the last almost 2 years now. And the help has finally helped. I thought I was cured. But now I just want to be depressed, I sometimes get mad when I can't get that feeling.

  8. #8
    Asher

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    Depression is never a fun thing. I was depressed my senior year of high school up until the beginning of college for a variety of different reasons (working, college apps, my relationship with my mother literally falling apart, my inability to accept myself, bills and rent, etc.). Partying didn't really help that either. After a while, I realized that I needed to accept that I didn't have control over some things and I had control of others. I agree with what everyone has said above me - very wise words. I started running, eating healthier, moderating various parts of my life, and meditating. Talking about it (what you all are doing right now) has also been very helpful for me as well. Those things have been key for me, but there was also one more thing, which I'll get to in a minute.

    Siege89, your story reminds me of one of my housemate's stories. A couple weeks ago, I was talking to one of my housemates after everyone had gone to bed. After joking around and sharing silly stories for a couple hours, she told about how she had been depressed for as long as she could remember. For her, it stemmed back from moving around constantly as a child (she was born in Italy and raised in Iceland) and not making any friends. She also didn't have the best relationship with her dad and had a few not-so-good relationships. And it really troubled her, even after several years! I thought it was really strange because she's a really confident, happy person who makes friends easily up here, but it was eating at her (actually still eats at her!) after all of these years.

    But the one thing she did that made all the difference? Forgiveness. I realized for me, just a couple years ago, it was the same thing. You need to learn not only to forgive others but to forgive yourself. We're all at different stages when it comes to this too, but it's super important to build into yourself.

    Siege89, it sounds like you have some loose ends that you want to tie up. Even though you moved away from it all (probably a good decision on your part), there is still something there, even after all of this time. Now, everyone has a different story with different circumstances, and in some situations, it's not going to be possible to tie them up. It just is. And those are the most difficult situations. Maybe you have already forgiven, or maybe you don't want to. Whatever it is, it will be you to decide how to approach this situation and what to do next. I wish you the best of luck though, and I hope that you find peace in whatever you decide to do. And there's always here too, because if this thread says anything, it's that you're not alone. And that may just be what you need.

  9. #9
    teddybear206

    Default

    when your a doped up loser like me, its kinda hard not to be depressed you know.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by teddybear206 View Post
    when your a doped up loser like me, its kinda hard not to be depressed you know.
    Awww.... don't be so hard on yourself. Asher made a great point about forgiving yourself, y'know...

    I feel like a doped-up loser too sometimes, but for me the dope is a way to escape and to deal with the depression/anxiety... Perhaps if I can (with the help of my shrink) work out how to cope with reality, I won't feel such a strong need to remain trapped as a "doped-up loser" forever... Maybe the same could be true for you...?

    Sadly there's no "quick fix" for depression. It's helped me (a bit) to just focus on one step at a time. Now I'm just concentrating on talking to my shrink and explaining all the crazy s*** that's happened in my life. Trying to figure out ways to deal with depression/anxiety will come next, then quitting drinking, then smoking... And then, just maintaining a grip on reality and being an effectual human being (instead of an introverted mess)...

    Sometimes I really wish I could listen to my own advice... I'm pretty scared that I'm "in too deep" and won't make it back to reality... But you've gotta have hope, haven't ya? Either that or just not worry about the future and focus on "the now"... I dunno...

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