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Thread: I'm Losing Him...

  1. #1

    Default I'm Losing Him...

    My only older brother. My real one. I'm losing him, and I feel like it's all my fault.

    My family and I have always had problems with him, ever since he was in middle school. That's where he really began to worsen. Every time he comes home from college, every time he asks my dad for money, every time he steal money from me, he's shitting on my family. He drinks, smokes, does drugs, and does a ton of crazy shit that I barely even know about. I'm a spoiled upper middle class white boy, in a spoiled upper middle class town, living happily with my spoiled upper middle class family. I should be happy, right? I get everything I want, I excel in school, I have good morals and I'm not spoiled rotten, I got to church, I do my work, I've never gotten detention, I've been respectful most of the time...what did I do wrong? Why did he turn out differently? Why did he have to make my mom cry?

    I should probably explain before I go into a depressed rant again. My brother is home from college for the weekend. Last night, my mom was out and my dad was sleeping, so he comes up to me and asks me who's money is on the table. I said it's my dads, and he goes ahead and takes a dollar from the bundle. I told him to put it back, that he'd regret it, but he just kept smiling at me and laughing like an idiot. He asked me why he'd regret it, and I told him that I would tell dad, as this isn't the first time he's stolen money. He just laughs and as he walks out the door, I call him a pothead. He turns around and walks up to me, getting really close, smiling and laughing, and my heart starts beating fast. At this moment I'm terrified of him, of what he might do to me. After a minute, he turns around and says a few things before leaving and speeding off in the car.

    At this point, I'm no longer scared for my safety; I'm scared for his. I thought that he might do something stupid out of anger, all because of what I said. I got so scared that I needed to talk to a friend of mine online for a few minutes, just to get it all off my chest. After I'm done, I decide to call him on his cell and apologize for everything: for insulting him, for not trusting him, for acting like an ass towards him, everything. I thought that what I said really hurt him, and that my earnest words would get through to him. Well, turns out that that wasn't the case. He wasn't affected at all by what he said, he didn't even care. A few minutes later my mom walks in and sees me on my computer after my usual bed time, and gets really mad at me. She takes my computer away, and tells me to get upstairs. I do that, going straight to bed, and sleeping.

    The next morning, this morning, I wake up and tell my mom everything that happened last night: about the money, about me staying up in worry, etc. Now I was planning on staying up later anyway, but I wasn't lying; I really did stay up worrying about him, later than I should have. After I do that, my parents talk to my big brother, and of course, they start fighting for the millionth time. I try to ignore it, as I usually do, and eventually we all go to Sunday mass, minus my brother.

    When we get home, things are going fine. I'm eating lunch, my dad and my uncle are talking, and I'm just about to go study. But then my mom and my brother start talking again, seeing that my brother had gone on a tantrum-fueled rampage through his room while we were at church. I stayed in my room, scared out of my mind as I listened to them fight. Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. I walked over to his room and told my mom to leave for a minute, so I could talk to him. After all, it was between me and him. She had nothing to do with it. Well, things didn't exactly go as planned, because my brother kept on yelling, pointing at me and saying it was my fault, and that I was a piece of shit and that he couldn't even look at me...

    And that's when I snapped. Everything I'd been holding back for the past years, I just yelled right in his face. I've felt powerless before him while my parents fought day after day, week after week, but I was finally putting my foot down and telling him everything. How he made mom feel when he threw tantrums, how I felt when he came home, how he was never the brother I wanted, how he should just get out of our house and leave us alone....and nothing worked. Nothing I said got through to him at all. He just kept screaming and yelling at my mom and I...and I couldn't do anything. I walked back into my room and sat on my bed, watching my legs shake out of control as I listened to the fight continue. Once my legs finally decided to stop, I got up and walked out of my room, and told my dad I was going for a walk.

    I walked over to church for the second time today, and sat in the empty chapel, praying and crying. I felt so helpless, so powerless up against him. I prayed and prayed, and calmed myself down, and after I was calm I sang to myself in the empty church. I sang mass music, as that usually calms me down. After a half an hour, I decided to walk home and face him once again, only to find that the house was quiet. The fight was over.

    I talked with both my mom and dad, explaining how I felt, and what I did wrong, and how sorry I was. They both said I did nothing wrong, and that he was the only one hurting the family. I promised my mom, I swore to God that I would never do anything to break her heart like he did.

    My brother is currently packing up his stuff and leaving for school once again. I'm literally listening to him pack as I type this thread. My brother has caused me and my family so much grief over the years, being arrested twice on top of all of his crazy shit. Do you know what it feels like for a thirteen year old kid to hold his crying mother in his arms as she sits on the bed of her arrested son, wondering where she and her husband had gone wrong? I figured out how that felt two years ago. Do you know how it feels to have your father, who's never gotten very angry with you over the little things you've done, lose his temper and start yelling at the top of his lungs at the person that treated them both like objects over the years, as tools? I found out how that felt...well, most days back when he was living at home.

    I'm losing my brother. Every day I feel like he's slipping away from this family. When I was in church today, I looked at my palm leaf (for those of you who aren't Christian, today is Palm Sunday, where we all receive palms in remembrance of Jesus riding into Jerusalem on the back of a donkey), and I noticed that one of its strains had strayed off, and separated from the rest of the plant. I know it sounds stupid and overly symbolic, but I feel like that that strain is my brother, straying off from the family that loves him even after all he's done. I don't know what to do. Talking doesn't help, neither does yelling. I literally can't do anything to get through to him, and I'm...I'm just done with dealing with him. I have more important things to worry about than some literal teen baby throwing a tantrum over something so trivial.

    I'm sorry that you all had to read that, I just needed to rant somewhere. The words kind of just slipped off of my fingers. Please, those of you who are spiritual, pray for my brother that he may come back to my family and turn a new leaf. Those of you who aren't, please just keep my parents and him in your thoughts. I'm sorry...I feel like this is my fault. I know it's not, my parents told me it's not, but I can't help but feel like this. I know it sounds selfish, taking the attention for myself and everything...I don't know. Half the stuff I typed probably doesn't make sense.

    Anyway, thank you for taking the time to listen. I appreciate it. When my brother is home, know that this is the place that I turn to for solitude. I owe this site a hell of a lot.


  2. #2


    damn,i really hope he dose turn a new leaf, iu wish you the vary best dude.

  3. #3


    I wish I could help you, but being the only child in the family, I don't even know what it is like to have a brother or sister. You seem very responsible and attached to your family, and I want to congratulate you for that. It's becoming less common to see people like that at your age.

    I'm sorry you are going through hard times. I'd like to think that maybe with time your brother is going to calm down, reconsider his life and correct his path.

  4. #4


    At this point in your brother's life, everything in it needs to go wrong before he can comprehend that it needs fixing and he needs to start fixing it. Personally, if I were you parents, I'd tell he's no longer welcome at the house until he gets his act together, which would then force him to stay at a friends house for a while until he finds out he needs money, and goes looking for a job.

  5. #5


    I'm a spoiled upper middle class white boy, in a spoiled upper middle class town, living happily with my spoiled upper middle class family. I should be happy, right? I get everything I want, I excel in school, I have good morals and I'm not spoiled rotten, I got to church, I do my work, I've never gotten detention, I've been respectful most of the time...what did I do wrong? Why did he turn out differently? Why did he have to make my mom cry?
    From this I gather that your brother was just the unfortunate exception to your family upbringing. While you got everything you needed/wanted and were able to maintain a healthy lifestyle, your brother wasn't. As to how to deal with it, I agree with Jewbacca, he needs to hit rock bottom before he can work to better himself.

  6. #6


    I wish I could give you a hug Natsu You sound like such a loving & carrying kid, a wonderful son and trying to be a great little brother. It's a shame you and your family are having to deal with your brothers problems but he'll realize one day what he did and I just hope it's not before he loses those who love him

  7. #7


    Well, obviously none of us on here know everything about your situation ( what lead up to it, what may have happened at the house while you were gone, what you brother may have said, ect..) One theory could be that, being the first born son, he may have felt neglected or felt that he didn't received enough nurturing once you were born. No fault of yours, not by any means! But sometimes an older sibling can feel set aside once a younger comes into the family. That's just one thought

    The other would be that your older brother has just been running with the wrong crowd. No fault of anyone at all except his. I've seen people get hooked on drugs. Their behavior becomes that of someone you don't even know anymore. It is a heart breaking thing for sure, but please know that you have many friends here that do care about you and you can always talk to us!

  8. #8


    I really wish I had something insightful and helpful to say here. I feel so badly for you and your parents. Don't feel as if this is your fault because it's not. He's got his own demons that he's just facing differently than you. You find solice in church and being abdl/everything else. He seems to have fallen victim to having a bad day, someone offering him drugs and his being hooked and accepted. He's probably hurting and taking that out on all you guys and trying to hurt you guys back, probably because he feels it's unfair.

    Not to say anything he did was right, but maybe that could be what's happening to him. Next time he comes home, and he's not in a mean mood, sit and chat with him, about normal brother things, school, girls, homework, things your parents do to annoy you, anything. Then maybe you could bring up how his last visit hurt your feelings, and how you wish he didn't do that. Stay calm through the whole thing, never raise your voice and speak calmly and rationaly. Rediclously hard to do, but it does work. You'll get your message across and then he has to choose to accept it and listen or keep going on the way he is.

    I mean he's your big brother, I'm sure he still loves you because your his baby brother. I hated my siblings when I was young, HATED, but deep down I always loved them.

    Stay calm and vent however much you want. Talk to your parents, maybe the 3 of you can plan some kind of intervention or something.

    If you're done and don't want to get involved, headphones are wonderful. Find that church music you said you like and listen to that, post your feelings on here or vent to a friend. However, I must say, metal and other heavier music does seem to feel a little bit better when you're angry, or at least I think so.

    Don't get depressed. It's not your fault, you're doing what you. But in order for him to change he has to want to change. I mean they say "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink" Same goes for this situation.

    Keep your head up and don't let it get to you. Best of luck and even though I'm not religious, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

  9. #9


    I'm so sorry for your pain. There's several things going on here. Your brother, because he's older, is trying to find his way, a part of the leaving the nest. I was there when I was in college. When I left for college, I became a very different person. Part of it was drugs, and part of it was lifestyle. Everyone here knows my story, so I won't repeat, but I found new ways to self destruct. Eventually I had a psychotic break as my life fell apart. For me, it was part of growing up, leaving the nest and trying to figure out who I was. You may go through something similar when you are that age. Anyway, that's one scenario.

    It's possible your brother is self destructing for other reasons, and that he is missing important psychological survival parts to his brain or makeup. My brother in law is one such person. If that's the case, there is little you can do for him. There's a lot you can do for yourself. My wife is a successful, wonderful person. I credit her with saving my self destructive life. Her brother is a complete loser. He's a good person, but he's missing that something that enables people to follow the rules of society. I suspect that there is some tough love coming into your brother's future. If he continues his present course, he is going to be one unhappy camper. It's hard to live his lifestyle and maintain grades. With failing out of college, what comes next?

    You will need to accept some things and emotionally distance yourself from his train wreck, should that occur. My wife had to do this, and it's never easy. In fact, it can be heart breaking. Concentrate on yourself, and resolve that you will never be like him. Let his problems motivate you to be a good person. If he crashes and moves home, you may get to know him a little better. There may come a good time to sit down and talk. The time may come when you can tell him you love him. Sometimes, that's all we can do. Sometimes, that's all we're left with. We don't have to approve their lifestyle, but we can love them, and help them in our capacity to help. That doesn't mean to facilitate bad and harmful choices. Your parents will have to let him fail if he is to find himself and be saved. It won't be easy. Hugs......

  10. #10


    Daddy'sGirl has a good point, a lot of time when kids act out it's because they want attention, that's basically what's happening here... He could be depressed, overly stressed and he just wants your love, but he doesn't want to/ know how to ask for it, so he does these things that will force you look at him.
    Instead of yelling/threatening/arguing, just talk, ask how's school been, who his GF is, even have him talk about his drugs, i.e. which blend of MJ was better, craziest thing done while high, etc.
    He needs to relate to you, not feel different, if he feels uncomfortable talking to you about drugs then find some other common ground, while he may never stop doing pot, if you catch him in time he wont be dependent on it, it'll be come a recreational thing, like drinking with friends on the weekend.

    There are times when it's better to just drop the whole thing, but that's only in extreme cases, like when he's into serious drugs, and becomes violent, this doesn't sound like that type of case, he just feels distanced for whatever reason, so bring him back.

    (Very important: don't tell him how to behave, try not to even hint at what he should or shouldn't do, he's not interested in listening to someone little kid boss him around, and most importantly: act natural, be yourself, if he smells a rat he's not gonna respond the way you want.)

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