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Thread: Just lost my wife/mummy

  1. #1

    Default Just lost my wife/mummy

    As my wife has just passed away and I gave away all my baby clothes as I am soon going into hospital and someone would find out about my otherside it saves embarrassment all round.Heres the problem I am suffering for my lost wife and also need the comfort of being nursed but it is all very confusing comfort someone shows when your crying about the loss of your wife and crying because you feel so alone.Realise that most people on this site are too young to give advice but any replies are helpful to keep my mind on other things. Bigbabygee

  2. #2


    sad too here of your lose for only thing i can say that god may close one door and open another for you

  3. #3



    A few months ago a very good friend of mine cut me out of his life. I was utterly devastated when it happened. Obviously this isn't the same as losing a spouse, certainly not having them pass away. I can't begin to imagine how much this must hurt.

    But the one thing I do understand is how it feels to know you've lost more than one 'person', and not being able to talk about it, because Corin was also my 'Daddy'.

    Everyone can comprehend you feeling pain at losing a spouse. Most people won't comprehend the idea of a grown man even having a 'Mummy', let alone the idea of that relationship having any emotional depth to it.

    I know all too well how much it hurts to be in agony over losing that special big-person...but you can't tell anyone what it is you're missing. I remember wanting to wail and sob, cry out for my 'Daddy', and holding in how it felt in order to present a more 'typical' picture of grieving. It was very difficult to have people try to offer comfort for losing a close friend when what I really wanted and needed was someone to comfort the little girl inside of me, to address the keen pain that only comes from a child losing a parent. But obviously I couldn't say that; I couldn't say 'I miss my Daddy', I could only say 'I miss Corin'.

    Luckily, I had AB friends who understood how much it hurt...I'm still getting over it, but I'm a lot better now. It sounds like you don't have anybody who would understand this side of you, which is unfortunate.

    The best advice I can offer is to try and comfort that part of you yourself as much as you can; what would the little boy inside you want to hear, what would help /him/ find peace with the loss of 'Mummy'. It's difficult but I promise, one day it won't hurt as much. And I'm sure plenty of people here can relate and understand, even if they haven't ever been in the same position.

  4. #4


    well shit man, thats awful....i can kinda realatte as i lost my big brother at a vary young age, but wanna know how i coped? i realized that there going to be much happier in the afterlife and you will meet again up there.....i wish the best for you.

  5. #5


    "Time heals all wounds", old and corny but true though not much help now you will realize it later. You dont say why you are going into hospital now, nothing to serious I hope.
    Wishing you well through thease difficult times

  6. #6


    I'm sorry to hear the sad news. It sounds like your life is a complicated one since you are in the hospital as well. Do you have health issues as well, or is it for emotional reasons?

    When we lose a loved one, that lost is real and present. There is nothing we can do to change it, or make it go away. All we can do is react to it. Being with others helps, and talking about it. During viewings, the funeral and afterwards, one tends to tell the story about the death, and the things they loved about their spouse, again and again, to each friend. There's a good reason for this as it's cathartic. It helps with the grieving process, and that's something you will have to go through. The hospital may prolong doing it, but you must face it.

    Grief is dealt with one day at a time. The hope is that each day gets a little better, and after awhile, we move on. The sharp pain begins to fade, and in some ways, that in itself is painful. We want the keen focus of memory of our loved one, so that we never forget them, each detail being precious. They will fade, but meaningful memories will acutely return when they are least expected.

    My wife is in End Stage Renal Failure, and is on a dialysis machine. We have learned to do home dialysis, which takes place 5 nights a week in our bedroom. I get my wife on the machine and perform all the maintenance involved. She also is on oxygen at night and that goes into a CPAP machine. Chances are that one day I will be alone, like you, without my soul partner. Each one must find their own way. Life does not stop nor end for the survivors. Our road continues and there is reason and purpose on that journey. You must sojourn on, either alone, or eventually with someone else.

    Remember your wife kindly. You might be surprised. I believe that life continues, and that the circle of life includes death, yet life continues on in that eternal cycle.

  7. #7


    I'm going to say somethings that you're likely going to hate me for right now, but I promise you it will help in the long run.

    You can't ever think it'll get easier, it doesn't, time isn't some miraculous cure for all problems; everything that happens that makes it easier comes from you.
    There is no-one out there who can fill the whole left by your wife, and that's a good thing, even if you and her were not two pieces of a whole when you met you grew into that; the loss is a loss of self as much as a loss of her.
    You need to grieve, not just her but every thing about her, alone or with others, as you see fit; if that means bottling it up while you're around others and crying and screaming into your pillow when your alone then do that; somewhere the emotions have to come out.
    Do as much as you can yourself, dealing with the problem will help you move into a better place. So go through her stuff, decide what to keep and what to throw out, and if you're not sure yet keep it and when you've gone through every item start again. Organise the funeral or wake yourself, be a part of it and decide on something to say about your wife, and if you want to write a second script to say about your mummy that'll help too.

    Get to know this sequence you're going go be dealing with it on various levels over and over Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, for every little thing that you miss about your wife you'll not only need to go through this cycle but eventually want to.
    You'll deny that it's never going to happen again or that you'll never see that image again. Whether its her smell when you wake up, the way she made coffee or how she looked in her favourite dress, you'll deny that you've lost it eventually.
    You'll get angry that it won't happen again or have anger at your wife for not being there to do it like she used to or even feel anger at god for taking her/it away from you.
    You'll try to bargain a way to get it back by doing it for yourself for a while or trying to get someone or something else to do it for you or offering a sacrifice to have her back.
    Then you'll feel down that no matter what you do it isn't as good as the way your wife did it.
    And finally you'll feel acceptance that it won't happen again and that it's ok.
    You will never have truly accepted that loss until you've accepted all of it's consequences, grieve the little things as it will help you grieve the one thing you miss most of all, her. Don't force your way through, just because you know how the cycle works doesn't make progressing through it any easier, it just allows you to recognise where you are and knowing that you're making progress will make you feel a little bit better, even if you don't want to feel good about it right now.

    I am sorry for your loss

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