Posted March 19th, 2012 at 12:55PM
My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years. We have been married only 3 days. When my partner and I first met, he told me that he had a fetish with diapers and liked to wear them to masturbate. He told me that he wasn't into adult baby stuff, nor did he like diaper porn. He also told me that he wasn't going to wear diapers anymore, because he felt it wasn't normal and accepting. So, for almost 2 years, I believed that he wasn't into diapers anymore. When I would ask about it, he would say he was over it. He also said that he didn’t watch porn anymore.
3 days before we got married, I found diaper porn on his computer. When I confronted him, my partner eventually came clean and admitted that he never stopped wearing the diapers, and that he lied, and that he is turned on by diaper porn and has been watching it. Also, he admitted that he likes to pee in his diaper, and watch girls pee in theirs. I was very shocked. My partner told me that he was sorry, and that he would delete all the porn, and that he didn't have any backup porn anywhere. The next day, I found him sneaking out of the room with a hard drive full of diaper porn. He had lied, again.
I am very depressed and sad right now. I cry all the time. It's not only the diaper fetish that bothers me, but it's the lying, and hiding. All my trust is gone and broken.
I also found out that my partner is attracted to women that are tall, and very thin, and have very smooth skin. (He told me this himself. Also, this is what the women look like on the porn that he watches, and the pictures that he looks at.)
I am nothing like those girls. I have a pretty face, but I have had children, so I am not thin, nor do I have smooth skin. My self-esteem has taken a nose dive. (I already had low self-esteem issues to begin with, due to our sex issues.)
I feel like I have been betrayed, and lied to our whole relationship, and that I don't even know my partner anymore. It is devastating to me. I wonder what else he is lying, and hiding…
I love my partner with all my heart, and I would do anything to please him.
After a day of being upset, I decided to fulfill his fantasy. My mind frame was that I wanted him to be pleased and satisfied, I didn't want him to have to lie and hide things from me, and I didn't want him to have to watch other women. So, I decided to wear a diaper for my partner.
I went to the extreme to fulfill this fantasy for him. I looked over all the porn and pictures he likes, and tried to recreate the outfits, and their body poses. I bought lingerie. I had candles, and music. We celebrated our wedding night with diaper sex.
My partner was so turned on and excited. I have never seen him this way our whole relationship. We had always had sex issues before [removed]. Now, he was ecstatic, and able to have sex 3x a day, etc.. I was excited, just because he was excited. I was turned on, because he was turned on. I was really getting into it. We did all kinds of kinky stuff. My partner seemed to be in heaven.
My partners last fantasy, was to watch me pee in a diaper, and change me. It was my plan to fulfill that for him. Last night, I fixed my hair the way he liked it, I wore some lingerie, and I had a diaper on when he came through the door. The first words out of his mouth were, "I liked the outfit that you had on last night, better". I was deflated. My self-esteem fell to the floor. I was about ready to fulfill a huge fantasy for him, peeing in a diaper, and instead of telling me how pretty I was, and how turned on he was, he made me feel like I didn't excite him.
After that, we tried to make out, and I could tell that he wasn't into it. [removed]
I was so sad. I have done everything that I can to make all his fantasies and dreams come true. I feel like I will never measure up to his porn girls. I will never be what he needs or wants.
Later that night, after I stopped crying, I peed in the diaper for him. But, I had a hard time. I wasn't able to do it laying down, or sitting, or standing. I had to sit on the toilet with the diaper on. When I started to pee, my partner didn't really get to see the pee hit the diaper, like he fantasied about. Peeing in the diaper was a very hard thing for me to do. I was hurt because my partner didn't seem to be excited. He did change me, like he has always wanted to, and we ended up having diaper sex, but he didn't seem that into it.
Before I fulfilled his diaper fantasy, my partner had never wanted to get married. My partner only married me because I was willing to fulfill his diaper fantasy, and he felt like if I would do that for him, that he wanted to do something for me that I have always wanted. So, we got married. But, it's a secret marriage. He doesn’t want anyone to know right now. We don't even live together.
I am confused right now, and I am hurting.
I don't understand the diaper fetish, but I am trying. I have researched it online, over and over. I don't find wearing a diaper exciting. It's not my thing. What turns me on about it, is my partners excitement. I have always been sexually open, and had a high sex drive. But, this diaper fetish reminds me of kids, and it's not arousing for me. I sometimes feel degraded, and humiliated. I don’t feel like a woman. I don’t feel sexy or desirable.
My greatest fear was that this fetish would take over our whole sex life. And, it sort of has. When we have regular sex now, my partner needs to talk about diapers, or imagine me in them, to get excited and hard. This makes me feel rejected. I feel that I am not what he wants. I feel that it’s the diapers that turn him on, not me. I feel like I don't compare to his porn girls. I don't understand why he can't just focus on me, or some part of my body, and get excited and make love to me? I am a real person. I am someone that loves him, and is willing to fulfill every one of his fantasies... I am willing to spend my whole life with him.
I don't even know how I feel. I am scared, and nervous, and sad. Does anyone have any advice for me? Please be nice, I can't take anymore rejection right now.
I am afraid that even after I indulge his fetish, and even after I have made all his fantasies come true, that we will still lie and hide things, and he will still need to look at porn.