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Thread: Help Coping With The Death of a Family Member

  1. #1

    Default Help Coping With The Death of a Family Member

    Sadly, my mom passed away recently. She passed away very, very unexpectedly. What had happened was that though out the week she had been feeling very ill, and had been throwing up a lot. She went to the doctor and they found out that her gallbladder had stopped working. They scheduled a surgery on Friday night. I had been sick with something else, and was just going back to school Friday, January 27th. She went into the hospital that morning, but I had worries, but was told everything was going to be fine, that this was a simple procedure.

    I got home, and my dad had left to go to the hospital, they had said something had happened. I was a bit worried, but brushed it off. I went to bed that night, and thought that I'd see my mom by Saturday afternoon. Hell, that on Sunday she might even watch The Walking Dead with me.

    However, when I woke up Saturday and went upstairs, my dad informed me that my mom had passed away early that morning. Apparently her blood pressure couldn't be stabilized, and she coded a few times before they either couldn't bring her back, or had told my dad that she wasn't ever going to come out of it.

    I'm not here to argue about how that doesn't make sense, because I know it doesn't, but that is something that I'm not allowed to make accusations about, so says my dad and some lawyers.

    My problem is that I'm having trouble coping with all of this. My mom was someone who was able to hold my life together, she even knew about me being a TB, and even bought me diapers. I loved her.

    Now I just keep getting these horrible bouts of intense depression, and they come and go, sometimes only lasting an hour or two, and sometimes lasting for a whole day. I don't know what to do, or even where to start asking questions. So I just wanted to start here, you all have helped me in the past, but right now I think I need your help more then ever. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2


    Hi, Shadowhawk.

    I am very sorry to hear about the unexpected passing of your mother. I can not fathom to imagine how it would feel to lose a parent, especially so soon and abruptly. Your mother must have been very close to you, and she was likely a great woman, parent, and confidant. However, time does heal all wounds, and I can safely assume that your mother would want you to be happy in the long run. I wish the best for you and your family during this difficult time.

    If you ever need to talk, please PM me. I and many other users are happy to provide care and support from our close-knit community.

    Best wishes and condolences,

  3. #3


    I'm sorry to hear this. It is never easy to cope with the death of a close family member, and it can be even harder when that death is sudden and unexpected.

    Our family helps make up who we are, y'know? It can rock our world and everything we think we know about it when we lose somebody. I lost my grandmother suddenly a few years ago. It was surreal. One day, the news was that she was doing well and was going to be released from the hospital in a couple days. She was even up talking and laughing. Then I get a call from my dad the next day and she was dead. Just like that. And I could get into the details that didn't quite add up, too--the 'what the hell happened if everything was supposed to be OK?' and the 'why couldn't they save her, did they even try?!'. Even if you weren't there, the scenario and these thoughts may keep repeating themselves in your mind. Depression and even anger after something like this are normal. Disbelief, shock, a roller coaster of emotions, or even numbness. It sucks. But it's normal. And it does get better. I think it will always hurt, just a little; you'll always miss your mom. I know I'll always miss my grandmother. But the feelings do get less all-consuming over time. I guess it's called acceptance, or maybe healing. I've found that the hurt gets edged out by happy memories; gratitude that the person was in one's life begins to overshadow the sadness that they left. It happens slowly and is probably different for everybody, but it does happen.

    For now, ride it out. Be sad as hell. Cry. Listen to music, do whatever it is you do to get feelings out. Talk about it when you're ready. Hug your dad and every single family member you have left, because though they may show it differently, they're hurting, too. Give yourself some slack for how you're feeling right now. Take care, Shadowhawk.

  4. #4


    Tygon said it pretty well. I don't know what else to tell you Shadowhawk, except keep your chin up. I can't even imagine losing a parent at 16. Heck, I'm nearly 38, and still can't imagine losing either of mine. Just know that we're all here for you and thinking about you. I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but either way, I'll be praying for you and your family, and I know she is in the ultimate happy place now.

    I think the biggest thing to remember, like Tygon pointed out, is don't be afraid of your emotions. Sometimes for guys, especially teen guys, crying is frowned upon. It's not 'manly.' I can't tell you just how WRONG that is! Being 'manly' by not crying at a movie is one thing, but at time like what you are going though right now, the worst thing you can do is try to be 'manly' and hold your emotions inside. Let them out in whatever way you can. If you don't, they will build inside you, like the pressure building when you blow up a balloon. Eventually, just like the balloon, you will pop and that's NOT good, because when that happens to people, that's when they start doing all kinds of crazy, irrational things. So LET IT OUT! Let yourself grieve... and BTW, it sounds to me as if, right now, you are doing an admirable job of it, so keep it up. For one thing, mentioning it here was a good idea, because talking about it is a very good way to start 'letting it out.'

    Ultimately though, time is the only healer. Just remember the good times. We of course didn't know her, but from what you said it's sounds like she was a wonderful, caring mother, and I'm sure that she would want you to be happy, and to do well in life, and not sit around moping about her. Anyway, as I said, I'm praying for you and your family, and God Bless you in the days and weeks to come!

  5. #5


    Shadowhawk, I'm so, so sorry that this happened to you and your family, and of course your mom. I don't know you, and I don't know of any advice I can give, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you've had to go through it, and I'll also say a little prayer for you today, that you can recover.

  6. #6


    dang, theress nothing worse than when someone you care about passes away, but i know shes looking down on you and shes saying that she created that person,and shell always be in your heart and in your thoughts, take care my freind and i wish you the vary best of luck.

  7. #7


    seconding what Tygon and BabyJessi have said, and adding that grief can affect you in many ways you wouldn't have thought. some of it is just downright wierd and most of it becomes annoying after a while.
    it's nearly 6 years since my dad died and i still think of him every day, even if it's just fleetingly. of course, in the early days, it got became too much; being in the same house as he had lived, i was surrounded by memories and smells of him and, sometimes, i'd think he was still there.
    i think there's probably a benefit to having a clear-out as soon as possible and limiting yourself to one or two mementoes (aside from the usual family stuff).
    the hardest part for me, after his death, was having to clean out his car before we sold it. it just me like a hammer.

    the only thing i learned from the process of grieving was that it's nothing like you'd have imagined it to be, previously.
    good luck with it all.

  8. #8


    Truly sorry to hear about this, Shadowhawk. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

  9. #9


    It is very hard to deal with a death. It's okay to cry. But even though I keep telling people that and keep telling myself that. I never cry when the death happens, whether it be at the funeral, or right when I hear about it.

    I didn't cry when my Grandma died until 13 years after her death. The crying just finally came when I went to visit her grave one day.

    All those times and all those years never a tear. Is anybody else on here like that? They don't cry when the death happens or at the funeral? But cry years later?

    I sometimes wonder if people think I don't care because I'm not showing any emotions? While all the others are showing emotions and crying?

    My emotions just don't show until years later.

  10. #10


    Shadowhawk, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum just 4 years ago...and I'm a lot older than hurt so much...and still hurts. It probably always will, so just know that although you'll always miss her, it will get easier to bear over time.
    Anyone who knows me knows I don't 'sugar coat' things so I'm going to say two things:
    1) talk to your dad about your feelings about the loss of your mum and ask to do #2 (no not go poo-poo) :-D
    2) Talk to a counsellor or psychiatrist...about your feelings of loss, and about 'other things' as well, it really does help!

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