I've struggled with wanting to be a girl for a while now, but I'm not sure how I can even start to get help with these feelings. My main hurdles for this right now is figuring out how to afford getting help as well as how to deal with the possibility of losing my job, friends, family etc.
First, I'm trying to decide exactly where I fit in. I know that I have some form of gender identity problem, but what degree I think I have of this varies. I do find women attractive, but there is often a side of me that wishes that I were that Victoria's Secret model that I am looking at. I do wear panties a bit and have often wished that they looked the same on me as they do on the model (you know, without that extra bulge). I've even gone as far as wishing I could have a period, even though I hear that they suck, just to feel more like a woman. Other times, though, I'm okay just with cross-dressing and imagining that I'm a woman. Often time this leads to arousal followed by feeling disgusted with myself and purging all my women's clothing. And to be quite honest, there are times that I'm fine being one of the guys. It's not like I'm completely disgusted with being a guy which often times leads me to think that I may really be somewhere in between.
I contacted a gender therapist last summer. They mentioned that they would work with me on cost, but after hearing the base rates they charge, I chickened out fearing that what I could afford is only a very small fraction those amounts. I just got done looking up my city's LGBT support site, but only found stuff on the LGB part, nothing on financial support for transgender/transsexual. I currently do make a decent living and have a good job, the problem is after I have paid student loans, rent, bills, grocery and gas, I have little left for myself. I kind of like having what little is left over for fun stuff like eating out and some of my other interests.
I'm also afraid of what could happen if I do decide to transition. First, I know the upfront cost is going to be high to purchase a whole new wardrobe not to mention hormones and surgery if I decide to go that far. Also, I kind of like the job I have now as well as my close friends. I know a lot of people aren't accepting of this lifestyle and I'm not sure I would want to lose these things.
I know this is a lot, but any help would be greatly appreciated.