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Thread: My dilemma...please help

  1. #1

    Default My dilemma...please help

    Hi all,

    I've enjoyed my time on ADISC very much. I've learned lots, and met some awesome people. But when I joined, there was a main reason. I haven't shared it til now, but I think it's time to figure it out. Here goes...

    I'm in a wonderful time of life right now. At 23, I'm engaged to the most wonderful woman I've ever met, and the only one I've ever loved. She's everything I could want in a wife (OK, it'd be nice if she were a hockey fan, but I won't nitpick!) We're getting married in six months. All is wonderful...

    ...except that I've never told her, or anyone else, about my ABDL side. And that's where I'm stuck.

    I spent most of my college years fighting my desire for diapers. I'd buy some, binge for a bit, then feel awful and purge, only to start up again a few weeks later. When we started dating during my fourth year, it wasn't so hard, but I still felt the desire for them. It's been hard because we've been long distance for more than a year while she does a post-grad degree and I'm working. All this time, my ABDL feelings never left. Only recently (as in, when I joined ADISC) did I come to the conclusion that I'm probably never going to shake these feelings and realize that moderation was the best way to keep from falling into the dangerous binge-purge cycles.

    Needless to say, this leaves me in an awkward position, given that I'll be married soon. I have no idea how to tell my fiancee about being an ABDL.

    The way I see it, I have three options:
    1)Push ABDL out of my life, and fight it until my dying day. This probably won't be successful.
    2)Keep it a secret. But I would be lying to the woman I love, which I'm not going to do.
    3)Tell her. Clearly the only option. But how?

    I don't want to risk losing her by dropping all this on her at once. I've heard too many awful stories about marriages destroyed or strained by this. Does this mean I should let on gradually, or only tell her a bit at a time?

    One thing that makes this challenging is the fact that we've never had sex. We agreed to wait until marriage, and so far that promise is holding well. In light of this, is it even appropriate to bring up during our engagement?

    I guess it boils down to:
    -WHEN should I tell?
    -HOW should I tell?
    -WHAT do I do if everything goes horribly?

    I'm so scared. I trust my fiancee and love her with all my heart, but this has harmed so many marriages. Any advice, particularly from people who have been through this successfully, would be an unimaginable blessing.

    Thanks for reading.

  2. #2


    Congrats on getting engaged
    Now, I've always thought that waiting and dropping some things gradually was the best way to go about doing this, especially in a new marriage/relationship.
    And then there's always the question of does she really want to know yet or even at all? My guess is that she probably would like to know, but not right now. My advice...keep it a secret for now, and tell her later at an appropriate time.
    Good luck, and once again congratulations

    - Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

  3. #3


    Not telling her about it wouldn't be lying to her at all. Why people feel as though it's the same is beyond me.

    A secret is a secret; people have them. EVERYONE has them. Your wife is going to have secrets that you're not ever going to find out about.

    Keeping your ABDLism a secret isn't lying to her. It's simply keeping something a secret.

  4. #4


    Step 1, print out your opening post. I'm sure that this community may well be part of the confession (I think it should be, personally). If you melt down, that's a good screenshot of your mental processes to hand to her.

    Now before we start, this is coming with some homework. So carve out a few hours of alone time sometime to get ready for the talk. Anyhoo...

    I think you're at the point that telling her is the only option. Good. Now let me tell you, I've been with my girlfriend, now fiancee, for seven years and change. And I despise when someone tells me the following, so I know how much you'll hate hearing it. But it's the truth. You're not married yet. If the shit hits the fan irrevocably, it's still relatively easy to walk away. I understand that doesn't reflect the depth of emotional pain for both of you. But the bottom line is that you're still at a point where you wouldn't need an attorney to divide your assets.

    Now here's the major point. Everyone- and I mean everyone- comes with some sort of baggage. Sometimes it's emotional. Sometimes it's health. Sometimes it's debt owed to a loan shark. People are package deals. If we marry the parts of someone we like, the parts we don't like are going to come along whether we like it or not and whether we know it or not. If someone loves you enough to spend the rest of her life with you, then she has the right to know everything that's coming along. See that last sentence? Get out a piece of paper and write it a few times. That's the theme I'd go with. Do you feel she's the kind of person who'll love you no matter what? Rhetorical question, hoping the answer is yes. Tell her that. Tell her you need to talk to her about something important.

    Of course, you need to prep before you do this. Do your homework. This can be a bombshell. You need to explain what this is to you clearly. So before you do that to her, make sure that you can type up an explanation that's clear and cogent. Don't worry about the larger world of ABDLism at first, as she isn't marrying us. She's marrying you.

    Good? Good. Now set that aside. Next, imagine she sat you down tomorrow and dropped a sexual bombshell- she's into something not quite scandalous, but something that your kneejerk reaction to would be negative. IDK, like she said that she has fantasies of joining a swing club or something (I don't know your morals, so adjust that example as appropriate). Wikipedia has a long list of sexual fetishes. Find one that makes your stomach turn a bit when you read it, but objectively, isn't really *that* bad. For example, I think the "having insects crawl on you" one does that for me. Now presume she's telling you that not only is she into this, but that it's not something she can walk away from- that choosing between it and you would be choosing between two halves of herself. Now list every single thing you'd want to ask her about it. Not just the "why do you like that?" questions, but the "you really couldn't have mentioned this sooner?" ones too. Once you've done that, turn it around and figure out how you'd answer every single one when directed at you. Make sure that "so what do you want from me?" is in the list.

    Anyway, so now you're talking to her, homework done, speeches ready. Before you get into it, specify that nothing's more important to you than her, but that you're between a rock and a hard place. Tell her the three options you considered- suppression, lying, honesty. Tell her you're not willing to lie, and that you know you'd never be successful- or happy- at suppression. Then get into explaining what it is. Set aside lots of time for questions. Seriously, when I told my fiancee (then gf), I think in all the conversation was about 8 hours. If it goes well, feel free to explain a bit more about the ABDL spectrum (I'm not sure if you're AB or DL or what). I think "I'm a member of this online fetish community" is one of the things you need to come clean about. Let that come up in the question and answer stage, though. Focus on explaining your before explaining us. Last, have a "things you should know" list. Things like, we're not pedophiles, but there are some people who take this fetish in creepy directions who have website you'll find with Google if you do more research. Etc etc.

    I know I haven't given much advice for how to actually tell it to her. I think that's something that there's only one right way, and it's your way. Other people can give tips. But no one knows the right way for you to say it or her to hear it other than you.

    Best of luck!

  5. #5


    Quote Originally Posted by KuroCat View Post
    Not telling her about it wouldn't be lying to her at all. Why people feel as though it's the same is beyond me.

    A secret is a secret; people have them. EVERYONE has them. Your wife is going to have secrets that you're not ever going to find out about.

    Keeping your ABDLism a secret isn't lying to her. It's simply keeping something a secret.
    While I agree with this in principle both that everyone has secrets and not sharing them with everyone isn't lying, where it falls down for me is that someone I intend to spend the rest of my life with isn't just anyone. Now if I could truly say that my ABDL-ness was a small and trivial thing, I don't think there'd be any reason to mention it or if I did, it would just be in passing, because it had such a small effect on me (along the lines of my vision being a bit less than 20/20). I'm skeptical as to whether any of us who are active members of ADISC would fit into this category. I know for myself that while it's a narrow slice of my personality, it goes deep, and to pretend that it doesn't exist for someone with whom I intend to spend my life would be an act of fundamental dishonesty. I hew pretty closely to the points in this article, which may also be of use.

    To Adventurer: I think Nightfox has given some excellent advice on how you can put this together for yourself. Be prepared to answer for yourself as to why you haven't shared this already as I think the best "when" was prior to the engagement. Remember that being an ABDL doesn't make you a bad person, although it may make you incompatible as a couple. You both have a right to know that before there are any legal entanglements. Be honest and give it your best. I hope it goes well

  6. #6


    Hi Adventurer,

    Sorry mate but you probably already know the answer to this.

    1)Push ABDL out of my life, and fight it until my dying day. This probably won't be successful.

    No way this will work, I am sure this will lead you to be either completely miserable or lead a double life which you are likely to get caught out on.

    2)Keep it a secret. But I would be lying to the woman I love, which I'm not going to do.

    Even though we are all allowed to have our secrets I am sure if/when she stumbles on it she would look at it as you keeping secrets from her.

    3)Tell her. Clearly the only option. But how?

    Matter of factly, ASAP, not not in public, don't give her a lead up to it or your anxiety levels will probably be through the roof, and make sure you are armed with some printed material on what it all means.

    It sucks but no matter how much you love her and no matter how well you plan the reveal she might not be compatible with the ABDL part of you.

  7. #7


    I agree that at some point you should tell her. If I were you I would wait till you become married and I would not lay everything on the table at once and hope for the best, drip information about ABDL, have documents explaining why someone may have this fetish and what the consequences/benefits are. Do not let her assume something! If you can tell she is thinking something that is false, correct it.

    Meaby send What is Infantilism? from a anonymous email. But she may jump to, "well who could possible think like this?" and that would end badly, or she may understand and at that point it would be easy to open up about yourself. This option is either the best or the worst in most cases.
    When/if you do tell her, practice how you will tell her. Make sure you have everything covered with comebacks to anything she may say or ask.

    Also, I would not consider "Keep is a secret. But I would be lying to the woman I love, which I'm not going to do." lying. If she directly asks you "Are you a AB/DL?" and you say no, that's lying. If she doesn't it's not lying. Don't feel bad about keeping it from her until a later time.

    Choos : "Matter of factly, ASAP, not not in public, don't give her a lead up to it or your anxiety levels will probably be through the roof, and make sure you are armed with some printed material on what it all means. "

    You may want to consider telling her before you get married, or soon after. It would be good for her to know what your feelings are and if she truly loves you, she would understand and even if she disagrees with it, she would at least live with it. If you tell her before and she leaves you, well, that's just a risk you would take. The same may happen after you are married.

    Either way you choose, rather it be tell her or to not, good luck. I hope it works out alright for you. It sounds like you really love her and I hope that she understands.

  8. #8


    Well the good news is that at least you are thinking about telling her before you are married because if she doesn't accept it then a divorce could be likely. Normally we say weigh up the risks and benefits but you're marrying this women so they are pretty self explanatory I'm sure. The trick is not to surprise her (difficult given the topic) but try and have an open discussion between the two of you to get anything out in the open as I'm sure there are a few things she isn't communicating to you as well, then just tell her in a way that makes it clear what you are after and why you are telling her. Give her the option to let her do her own research and let her form her own opinion of it and then have second discussion that will allow her to communicate what she thinks about this and how it will/will not become apart of you married life. Whether that means she participates or not I can't say but just because she accepts it doesn't mean she'll become involved in any way.

    Now if this doesn't go how you want the next step is up to both of you really, couples therapy may be one option to discuss how to successfully incorporate this into your marriage without it affecting your sex life. It may require just a compromise between the two of you, it may require a small break to allow you both time to breath and think or sadly it may require you to go your separate ways. There are so many possibilities that I can only list them but remember that communication is going to be important for both of you, let her know that she can tell you if she finds it uncomfortable because avoiding this issue at any time in the relationship could lead to resentment from her.

    I've never been a relationship and can only give advice that I've seen repeated to other members over the years but from what I've seen it comes down to being prepared, communication and compromise; this applying to both sides. When you do decide to tell her just remain calm and hopefully things will go for the best.

  9. #9

  10. #10


    I was married in 1973, and back then, no one would probably tell such a thing. Males were expected to be strong adults. So I thought I could bury this desire, and for while I did. Unfortunately, there were so many pulls to go back and do something which I had been able to do, and worse, compelled to do for years. When we moved to Virginia, I had Fridays off, so I was able to indulge every Friday. This continued for years until my wife had to retire on full disability.

    I have been very supportive of her, helping her with her disability. Having the extra pressure, I ordered diapers from the internet, and she found my order, questioning me what this was about. I finally had to confess. Because we were long established as a loving couple, she more than supported me, and has bought me a number of things, such as footed jammies, and plushies.

    I know what you are going through. When my wife discovered this side of me, I was terrified that she would want nothing to do with me. I was so relieved that she accepted me, and that's really at the heart of the matter. Will she accept you, especially because she loves you? Just being tolerated isn't good enough, because you will never feel good about yourself or about your relationship with her. Then you have a dilemma. You could try to give it up for her, and hope that she will eventually forget, or at least, have the impact wear off.

    Given all of this, is seems that it would be far better to approach the subject now before you get married. I would take it in small increments, unless she pushes the subject. If you begin by discussing regression, wanting to feel like a child, and asking her if she has any unusual traits, you can still back pedal if she seems alarmed. Then of course, you will have another problem, that of concealment, or giving up ever wearing diapers.

    When all is said and done, only you can make this decision, as you know her best. It is easy for us to give advise because we will not have to live with the consequences. But because you are going to be married and will have a relationship which is based on honesty, you only have two choices. One is to tell and the other is to abandon ever wearing diapers and being able to regress, feeling like that young toddler or baby. It's a lot to give up for people like us. I couldn't do it.

    There is one good outcome as well, and that is that she may accept this. My wife did, because she loves me unconditionally, and that brings up the most important point. Does she love you unconditionally. As NightFox said, we all have baggage. Let he/she who is perfect cast the first stone. This would all be easier if you have had sexual intimacy since that opens different doors. But you will have to discuss something which, and I'm guessing here, gives you some level of sexual pleasure with your love partner whom you have not had sexual intimacy with.

    Again, the most important part is unconditional love. We love that special person through sickness and through health. I wish you well in all of this.

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