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Thread: Depression

  1. #1

    Default Depression

    Ive noticed alot, like alot of mentions of depression. For whatever reason whatever scenario it doesn't matter. Now I'd say it's safe to say that I've experienced the 'ugliest' side of depression. Apart from being depressed myself for about half a year my best friend in primary school's dad was depressed for as long as I can remeber. Money issues presumably, doesn't matter. Anyway he eventually commited suicide when he was fired from his job. Oddly enough I remeber this friend of mine was never really the same. Apparently I was actually bullied for a while cos I kept on sticking up for him. But I can't really remeber this, I was too young.
    The worst point in my life was probably when this guy I knew fairly well a couple of years ago killed himself a few hours after he'd rang me to ask if he could stay round mine. Needless to say that hit me like a fucking train. Pardon the language but Christ that funeral was the worst thing I've ever done fullstop(or period if your American). I've never really gotten over that and in my moment of weakness I told a close friend of mine that I thought I might be gay. She then told someone else and it spread. But not like wild fire, more like a rumor trickle. But it didn't matter, I was definitively misserable by this time. Everything was pointless, everything went and was going to go wrong, I didn't like or want company and I slowly watched all my closest mates drift away because I'd effectively become a husk of my former self. This is deffinatly the darkest point of my life and to this day I haven't ironed out the reasons. I'm still undecided of my sexuality and I still find myself dreaming about the phone call from that guy. I've recalled the call so many times it's like corrupted itself and I can't remeber if he was crying or straight faced.
    So anyways now I'm the normal crazy guy I was before so alls well that ends well.
    Anyway I've not told anyone a fraction of what I've revealed on adisc and it's been helpful simply writing it.
    **Ive written this on my phone so there might be errors here and there, sorry in advance.

  2. #2


    Depression is ugly, period.

    I can sympathize with you, during my senior year in high school one of my closest friends committed suicide, and then when I was 21 my best friend of 12 years (also 21) committed suicide. One thing that you point out that is interesting is the fact that you remember the last phone call you received from your friend. I remember the last phone calls that I received from my friends as well. It is interesting how much you relive those final days/weeks leading up to those suicides, and the phone calls especially. Both of the suicides that I dealt with also reduced me to a husk. Those were also the worst funerals I ever attended. They were especially horrible since both families of my friends' families were very religious, and there aren't many religions that look too kindly on suicide. I went through huge depression, and didn't even realize how bad it had gotten a hold of me until someone pointed it out several months later. Needless to say it took me years to recover from those experiences (I had other deaths that weren't suicides that I was dealing with as well too though). I would say that I have recovered from those experiences, but they have left their mark on me, and have changed me in ways that never would have happened in the absence of those deaths. There are times when I wonder if those changes are for the better, or if my life would have been very different from what it is now after the fact.

    I think that when suicide involves someone close to you it really makes you take a look inside of yourself and you begin to deeply analyze your beliefs, feelings, orientations, and other life/personality defining items.

    Basically what it all boils down to is, keep your head up, accept the facts of the experiences, and continue your progression toward figuring out your sexuality/self and accepting it, it'll happen.

  3. #3


    Oh gosh -- that sounds like I could've written it. Obviously the details are different (I'm straight and I don't know anyone that committed suicide, but my dad died a while back and my mum died a few months ago, and their deaths hit me pretty hard).

    I started to get depressed when I was 17 and have struggled with it ever since. I had the darkest period of my life a few years later (sheer psychological torment and the most horrific experience that words can't get close to expressing). I eventually got over that (I "chickened out" of suicide, so I didn't have a choice -- I had to find some way to live), but I'm a husk of my former self. I've just been completely "lost" ever since.

    Except for a few feeble attempts, I haven't really tried to seek professional help (even though, deep down, I know that I need it). It's got harder and harder over the years to face up to it and I really regret not addressing it sooner. I feel like I'm beyond help now. If you're worried enough to post here, I'd definitely suggest seeking counselling sooner, rather than later. Don't let it take over! (Why do I never listen to my own advice?)

    On the bright side, despite suffering from depression and kind of screwing up my life, over the years I have got a lot better at managing my mood and trying to maintain an even keel. I doubt everyone's the same, but when I was 18 (and for quite a few years after) life was pretty full-on, and the more experience you get, the better you become at managing it. You know what I'm saying -- don't do anything stupid 'cos you think that life will be like this forever. Things change. I was convinced I would always be "in pain", but I'm not any more. Life still sucks a bit, but I have surprised myself by being able to get some moments of calm despite everything that's happened. I would never admit this anywhere else, but I guess I'm still depressed and "have a lot of issues to resolve" (as a shrink might say)... But the depression is more of an emptiness than intolerable torment, so it's easier to deal with.

    Anyway, I don't know what I'm trying to say and I doubt it helped... But I guess I just wanted to say that you're not alone and that it can (and does) get better... And it's much easier to sort out (so I hear) if you deal with it early and don't put it off like I have...

  4. #4


    There are times in life when absolutely horrible things happen, the things we call unimaginable. I've had them in my life, and it can make one question what the hell are we doing here on planet earth. We like to think that there is control in our lives, that living in the 21st century comes with some guarantees. Most of the time it does, but then something goes terribly wrong, and we lose a loved one, or someone who is special to us, or someone who has reached out.

    No one expects us to get over these things, just through them, and there is a difference. I had a psychology teacher explain that in our journey through life, there are holes which we can fall into, down into the abyss. Over time, we build small bridges so that we can keep going. The holes are still there, and we remember them, but we learn how to cross over them and keep going.

    Today I was thinking about this, and what time does. It dulls the memory and thus the pain. I'm not sure I like that. As I get older, the important events of my earlier life become blurs. Sometimes, emotionless blurs. It seems that life should be more than that, but that's who we are. That phone call will become a dull ache instead of a sharp pain.

    There are some events so large, like the sinking of the Titanic, that they were always meant to be. Nothing could have prevented them. I believe these events travel both forward and backward in time. You got caught in one with your friend. Because it is a big event, there was nothing you could have done to have prevented it. But because it moves both forward and backward, it haunts you. Once you realize this, you will be able to let it pass, and let it become that dull ache. Hang in there, and don't let it hurt you anymore than it has. Hugs.

  5. #5


    Yeah I'd defiantly say that my emotions from just a couple of years ago have defiantly been numbed. But if they hadn't, I don't think I could have dealt with them. Making a bridge across that hole I couldn't actually do on my own but instead got over though religion. Now I'm not religious myself but I have been and right now I've decided to remain undecided. But I'm not 'on the fence' I say we can't know, not that means we shouldn't try but I'm simply going to accept there is no way to know(probably). Anyway that's a different story altogether. Although even though I've buried all this stuff down in my sub-conscious when I do bring it up its defiantly fairly painful. Not the depression part but rather the guy before. He committed suicide because he also thought he was gay. I remember him asking his dad what he though of homosexuality and his dad saying something like 'I'm not sure I could deal with that' or something similar. I also remember him asking me and said something stupid and inconsiderate. What makes it worse is that I went though the same damn thing he did but I made it though. Had I just let him in that day how could it have been different? I'm pretty sure he told his dad he was gay that night and then he kicked him out which would explain why he was outside with no where to go at 11pm ringing me up to ask if he could stay round mine. I haven't numbed these memories very well yet, my hands are shaking as I write. I feel guilty and responsible for his death and that fact that I made it though practically the same thing as him makes it all the worse.

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