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Thread: "Telling" vs "Being Found Out"

  1. #1

    Default "Telling" vs "Being Found Out"

    So, I've got a theory, which I'm fairly sure I've seen batted around before, but I couldn't find a link, and we've got lots of newer members so we can discuss it again.

    I reckon that AB/DL's families, friends, spouses are always much more accepting when they are being told about this fetish, as opposed to finding out about it.

    I think it might be something to do with them being on the back foot if you're telling them, and also to do with them having a big feeling of being trusted. On the other hand, if they find out by accident (eg find a stash, catch you in the act) they feel upset and angry because you haven't trusted them with it.

    I've put this in mature topics because I'd like this to hopefully go in the direction of some sort of psychology based debate, and maybe we'll even get some article ideas with regards to telling people out of this.

    So, have you told anyone or been found out? How did they take it?

    Has anyone both told someone and been found out and noticed a difference?

    What do you think?

  2. #2


    Or, it could be that people that tell have a more open relationship with the one being told, whereas people that get found out chose not to tell because they knew it wouldn't be accepted.

    I don't think it's so much that people are angry about being left out the loop (would you be angry if your kids didn't tell you they had a fetish?), but that we can generally sense whether someone close to us will be receptive of the information. If we are fairly sure they won't accept it, we aren't going to tell them. If they find out on their own, they still don't accept it, but now it seems like it might be they don't accept it because they feel lied to, although I think if they were capable of accepting it, they'd also understand how embarrassing it would be to tell and would not feel any worse about it.

  3. #3


    I think if the person just found a bag o' diapers, he or she would take on the "don't ask, don't tell" mindset, and hope you never bring it up. They'd assume it's just a medical issue, I'm sure.

    Of course, if the person were to walk in on a regression, it would pretty much be the most awkward thing that could ever happen to anyone. Both would probably stand there, mouths agape, until someone shuffles out the door slowly. I suppose if they catch you that would be an effective icebreaker, but one could really achieve the same effect by just blurting out "I like to play baby!"

    But I don't think anyone would be more or less angry because of the way they find out, though. Some people will disown you as a friend/family member/whatever and some people will say, "live and let live."

  4. #4


    Proactively telling someone is more a trust thing and assumes a certain amount of respect for the person being told. Few of us ever want to live a lie. It's like coming out for the first time to your family and friends. I just wanted folks to know "all" of me and accept me for that. I don't feel the same way about being DL. It's a fetish and like masturbation we know people do it but we don't need them to tell us about it. I don't need to share my fetish with those around me. It's none of their business.

    I understand this is OK for me and may not work for anyone else so go with whatever makes you emotionally comfortable.

  5. #5


    I think it's a trust issue mostly. Being found out means you have been keeping secrets from them, and what else are you not telling them as well. Having the conversation on your own terms allows you to start out by saying: I want to be open and honest with you and don't want to have any secrets between us. That is a much better beginning than: What the hell are these?!!! However, I know my wife would not accept this. After 23 years I know her very well. So while I'd love to come out to her, it just would not end well.

  6. #6


    I was found out. NEVER LET THIS HAPPEN!

  7. #7


    I don't see why it is at all surprising that telling should have a higher degree of acceptance. If this difference doesn't actually exist I personally would be very surprised. Why? Because there are large differences in the situations and context between being found and telling.

    On a basic level, I think people are naturally suspicious and disapproving of things they do not understand, or have never experienced. If you (taking the mindset of a non *BDL here) came across somebody you knew to be perfectly continent with nappies and baby items in their room, your first reaction is going to be along the lines of "WTH?". After the initial puzzlement, you'll likely file it as weird or abnormal before moving on to anyone else. If you then confront the person you've just 'found out' about said items, then however good the explanation given is, you are starting with a negative bias in your head that what they're doing is weird or wrong.
    If on the other hand instead of finding out, you are told, the conversation starts in a different manner. Say they start with an explanation first: needing comfort, relieving stress etc. then you are primed to feel some amount of concern or care towards the one telling you. You might wish to help, so when you are told about the items you are in a more positive mindset. All other things being equal, and with the same explanation, it would make sense that you are more likely to be accepting if you are wanting to help or primed in a positive way (telling somebody), than if you engage in the conversation already preloaded with negative perceptions (being found out).
    Bear in mind also that if you are telling, your explanation is going to be far better and tailored to who you wish to know than one that you've had to make up on the spot when confronted.

    Of course it doesn't stop there, as all other things are unlikely to be equal.
    If you have made the decision to tell somebody, then you not only have a degree of trust in them, but you (presumably) have a fairly strong belief that it is likely to go well. We've now introduced a huge bias into the equation. When it comes to being found out there's a large number of people with different personalities and friendship levels that could discover you; chances are you would never think of telling the majority of these people. If we were to take acceptance likelihood to be something like a normal distribution around say 30% (the actual figure doesn't matter unless it's much higher than 50%) then take 10 random people finding out, and on average 3 of those will accept you. If you now take 10 people from a group who you have decided to tell, then because you have presumably restricted this group to those you think have a much higher than average acceptance likelihood, maybe 7-8 of them might accept it. When you restrict the group you tell more than the group able to find out then the acceptance rate will of course be higher.

    Lastly, I don't think people are in as much of a position to reject someone if they have come to you about something. If somebody takes the effort (if it is hard or distressing for them) to come and tell you something that means a lot to them, and have trusted you with that delicate information, you might well feel they deserve something in return. You may not be entirely happy with it, you may be on the fence, but if you are in the middle ground you might tell them it was okay to console them. If a friend came to me with a big secret, that I still thought was a bit unusual once they'd explain it, I'd be happy to support them if I didn't think there was actually anything wrong with it. I think I'd feel very guilty if I made them feel bad after coming to me with something like that.

    I've never been found out, but I have told two friends, both at a time when I was really shaken emotionally and needed some support. One of them thought it was perfectly understandable with the explanation I'd given him, one still thought it was a bit odd, but both were happy to tell me it was okay and they didn't think worse of me for it.
    I'm of the belief if they'd just found out, one of them would have thought it abnormal.

  8. #8


    I'm inclined to believe that coming out generally goes better than being found out because most people will only tell someone if they trust them and believe that they will take it reasonably well. Let's face it - if you think you'll get disowned for being an ABDL you're not going to be telling people about it any time soon.

    Another aspect that could be at play is the whole misinformation thing. If someone discovers ABDL stuff in your room they're either going to jump to their own conclusions, or worse, look it up online. If however you sit down with someone and explain exactly what ABDLism means to you then they should be able to understand it much better. This, coupled with the chance for them to ask you questions if they have them, means that there is a better chance of them accepting that ABDLism isn't 'bad'.

    My personal experience of 'telling' people has gone well so far. I've had overwhelming acceptance from some people and a sort of 'yeah so what?' reaction from some others. If I'd been caught I'm not convinced it would have worked out quite the same - I'm sure they'd have still been accepting, but I think it may have changed the relationship dynamics I have with these friends and family quite a lot compared to coming out of the nursery on my own accord.

  9. #9


    well i didn't tell by parents, i was caught after the car crash that made me IC, my dad found my stash in my bag, he stormed into the ward, holding my pacis and started calling me all the names under the sun (i will not post them here, some hit me very deep) before being dragged out of the ward by some of the orderies, my mom came in and asked what it was about, i explained why I had them, she was rather taken aback by it all, but she took it alot better than my dad did. he dumped all off my stuff at the foot of my hospital bed before storming out a few days later and cutting all contact with me until late last year, i moved in with my mom and step dad, my mom took a 'it doesn't hurt him or others, why not attitude' whilst my step dad just acted like nothing was happening (just acted normally) after finding out.

    the only people outside my family who know about my ABism are, my girlfriend and 2 of my best mates

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