Hi guys, i have feeling very down and depressed lately and i have felt so guilty about being a DL, even though my wife supports it.
Perhaps its because we moved and we invited her grandmother to live with us.
She is a very negative person that thinks she wont survive another night alive,and talks of her death being imminent all the time.
I started feeling really tired in the mornings for work like im drained and the anxiety, guilt of being DL was almost a conflict with my religion.
I am very emotional and quite sensitive with my inner voice condemning my DL side.
I went for a good 6 months of acceptance until i just felt people preemptively judging and condemning me if they found out i liked diapers.
Taking pity on my wife for having a husband thats a DL, and all the other hectic goings on in our life.
So a week ago i purged my stash by donating it to an old age home and i felt good for the next 48 hours.
I went to church and felt better but very empty as i just didn't enjoy anything my self esteem had dropped to an all time low,without knowing why?
I have never hurt or harmed anybody and have nothing to feel guilty thats when i realized something is a miss...
I wrote 10 vows to myself about all the realistic rules i would to live by and still have terrible mood swings, nothing extreme physically just a constant self doubt and a change of mind.
I spent hours researching paraphillias and didn't find the information very helpful as i realize that my fetish does interfere with my day to day life and functioning.
The guilt is terrible!
Their solution is to stop completely and use aversion therapy to try and reprogram my mind out of something i have had since i was 4 or 5 years old.
They say that you will never find the balance and that deviant behavior needs to be corrected.
I could accept this kink and discipline it to once a week while i figure what is going on with me.
There is something bigger at play here.
Is this a sexual compulsive addiction that they are talking of causing this?
OCD, bipolar 2 or something else.
Still i have no idea, but i am sure glad i have a wonderful forum like Adisc who have members here i could look up to like Dogboy.
In this dark period in my life i realize how powerful faith is.
Suicide will never happen because i fear death and i have no evil within me to harm anybody because i know for a fact im an imploder and turn hatred inwards.
Today after repurchasing my purge, i did the weekly grocery shopping and a woman who couldn't speak English had a small 7 year old kid.
Both looked very tatty and i saw a deep sadness in her eyes as she tried to purchase a pack of lamb knuckle.
I saw from her tiny purse she didn't have enough money.
I tried to find her a cheaper package but in the end i told her to purchase the lamb neck as it was cheaper.
We walked away and after three minutes the woman came to me with tears in her eyes.
I was overwhelmed with emotion and compassion and my eyes welled up.
Out of the blue i said to her that Jesus loves her and as a Christian i would like to help her.
I felt a real surge of energy within me, like a sort of electricity as i bought her the meat along with another pack of chicken, juice, a milkshake for the kid and he kept picking up little things, so i nodded to his mother as she kept trying to stop him and said its ok.
I went with her and my wife carried on shopping as i payed for the few items.
She wanted to cry and i told her not too, kissed her on the cheek and told her to remember that Jesus loves her.
I quickly walked away and instantly had a powerful epiphany about the meaning of life love and everything else.
For a few brief moments i felt the holy spirit within me and i have never felt better in all my life!
This is what life is about.
Loving one another!
Its only now i realize that in the greater scheme of things, peoples oddities are really a microscopic particle of dust compared with how urgently the world needs kinder, non-judgmental, good people that can just complete a random act of kindness even if they are not religious.
I now know that as low as i get and bad as i feel about being a DL.
I might well be in for a bipolar diagnosis but i have always been a high energy friendly impulsive person.
If i can continue to do good for others, God will take care of the rest.
BTW i know it sounds Corney but i really respect and admire all of the members on Adisc who have been though past traumas and who struggle to cope.
I have an apathetic love, respect and i mutual understanding of how hard life can be and feel we need to continue to band together here, and enjoy life.
Whats your take on the grand scheme of things and when you face great adversities in your life, how do you get out of or solve the problems?
I would really love to hear your opinions.