Forgive me if this is unclear; my head is in a weird place right now.
Basically, I'm not a very social person... I don't really have any friends IRL. But about a year ago I made a new friend, and we were so close, it was ridiculous. Our personalities seemed to compliment one another perfectly...Over time he became part of my 'family', and me and my GF loved him a lot. We used to meet up about once every couple of months and I loved those times.
I was/am a needy, emotionally damaged person. I know this, and I tried to tell him, and he always told me it was okay. He told me over and over and over that it was fine to depend on me, it was right, even. He stressed how much he loved me...I could pull out a letter from any of these drawers and see him saying that, over and over, that I was perfect, special, his little girl, loved forever...etc.
Sometimes he would unexpectedly get annoyed at me for my behaviour and I would be confused (because he would tell me it was okay and he wanted to see that part of me, too) and try to fix it, and be nice and say I was sorry. And then he'd 'realise' what he was doing and apologise, tell me he was just stressed, or just needed some little time, or something, and I would eventually forgive him (bear in mind I have 0 friends IRL). I used to think if I just learned to meet those needs, it would be okay.
He never told me things. Like he'd be hurting horribly inside or resenting me and he wouldn't say anything and I would ask if something was wrong, could I help fix it, but he would say 'no' and tell me he was grateful that I was concerned. I got so mixed up all the time, feeling all worried about how he felt about me.
I went to his house just before Christmas and everything seemed to slot into place. He was a great Daddy, a great friend, it seemed like maybe we'd found that 'balance' again. I wanted to make him happy, he cuddled me and told me I did and he loved and wanted me. He smiled so much.
Then on the 27th, a day before he was due to come here, I text him:
'Daddddy, you don't resent having to look after me lots, do you?'
'*giggle* Say it like Big Mac Daddy!'
Then I asked if I could ring him, and he said yes. So I did...and we talked for a while, and he said he was going to bed cos he was super tired, and I said I loved him a lot, and he said he loved me too. I stayed up that night making him presents, I felt so happy and giggly and bouncy and I just could not WAIT to see him and ring in the new year together and give him the presents I made special for him.
Suddenly at 5.30 there was a text.
'I lied, things are not fine. I've been up all night crying and worrying. I'm not coming to stay. Don't try to contact me, it won't change anything. I need time to be by myself.'
I don't even know how to describe how I felt after that. My stomach plummeted. I felt so sick and confused; how could he do that...he must just be scared about something...how can I reassure him... So I text back I was sorry to hear that and I loved him and I hoped he'd feel lots better soon and I was sorry, and then his Mum replied on his phone saying 'He's a good person but he has had enough'...
He turned off his phone and deleted me from his steam, his facebook, anywhere I could contact him. I happened to have a mutual friend staying over and I used her FB to ask him what was going on, why this happened. He replied with a big laundry list of problems he had with me that he'd never spoken to me about, told me his mum had pointed some stuff out about me, that it wasn't fair. Mostly he told me he felt he couldn't have a 'life' being friends with me; cos he had to put me first and stay up with me when I hurt and stuff. He said it was my fault he failed his A-levels...That he didn't want to spend hours on Skype with me.
I responded to the massive post and he came online saying he loved me and he was so sorry. And I said it was okay, i wanted to work through this stuff, I was sorry I didn't know about this sooner, I wish he'd told me. I waited for an hour for a response, and then I said I needed food. I came back to this:
'I'm so sorry Charlie. I loved you and I'll always remember you fondly but I can't do this anymore. You taught me so much, but like any child I've grown up and it's time to leave. You taught me to make the right choice, not the easy choice...saying I'm sorry and coming back would be easy.'
And then he was gone. Everything that was 'him' has been deleted save for a couple of profiles he never uses anymore.
This hurts so much. I'm so confused...he said he wanted me, he said he loved me and understood me. He gave me so many things to remind me of him, remind me he loved me, and wanted me, remind me that he'd never leave. There's seriously no area of my life he didn't wriggle into; even my toothbrush was a gift from him.
I just feel utterly lost and hurt. I wish he'd explained. I wish he'd told me he felt this way. I thought he wanted me as much as I wanted him. But now I'm never going to see him again, and it hurts so, so much. Those visits were what I lived for, to be honest. Like I said, I don't have any friends IRL. I don't have anybody to spend time with. Having someone else my age who wanted to spend time with me felt so awesome.
My emotions are all over the place right now. Sometimes I feel a little happy and relieved...no more worry about if he wants me or not, no more paranoia, I have 'closure' (sort of). Other times I feel so depressed...I just want him to come back, I'd do anything, it's not fair, how the fuck could he do this to me, that bastard, he used to cry at the idea of not having me in his life. What's wrong with me? I mean...I know I have problems...but...he said he understood. He said he knew that was part of me and wanted to help...
I lost my best friend when I was 14 as well. It hurt, and it's part of the reason I'm now a TB. I just can't see a reason for this other than there being something wrong with me.
I have so many of his things here; games, books, AB stuff...gifts he bought me, mugs and toys and candy. The worst is the letters...he used to write a letter every time we saw one another...I can't even look at them. They're all about how special I am to him, how much he loves me and wants to be with me... I don't know.
He seemed so happy and loving towards me before...and now he's just removed me from his life. I don't understand. Was it all lies?
I dunno. Guys...I'm not sure what I want. Experience, advice would be great. Even just a hug, knowing people are there for me...I dunno. I just feel crushed and I don't know where else to turn. This all feels so unreal.
Thanks for reading this wall of text.