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Thread: Losing your best friend.

  1. #1

    Default Losing your best friend.

    Forgive me if this is unclear; my head is in a weird place right now.

    Basically, I'm not a very social person... I don't really have any friends IRL. But about a year ago I made a new friend, and we were so close, it was ridiculous. Our personalities seemed to compliment one another perfectly...Over time he became part of my 'family', and me and my GF loved him a lot. We used to meet up about once every couple of months and I loved those times.

    I was/am a needy, emotionally damaged person. I know this, and I tried to tell him, and he always told me it was okay. He told me over and over and over that it was fine to depend on me, it was right, even. He stressed how much he loved me...I could pull out a letter from any of these drawers and see him saying that, over and over, that I was perfect, special, his little girl, loved forever...etc.

    Sometimes he would unexpectedly get annoyed at me for my behaviour and I would be confused (because he would tell me it was okay and he wanted to see that part of me, too) and try to fix it, and be nice and say I was sorry. And then he'd 'realise' what he was doing and apologise, tell me he was just stressed, or just needed some little time, or something, and I would eventually forgive him (bear in mind I have 0 friends IRL). I used to think if I just learned to meet those needs, it would be okay.

    He never told me things. Like he'd be hurting horribly inside or resenting me and he wouldn't say anything and I would ask if something was wrong, could I help fix it, but he would say 'no' and tell me he was grateful that I was concerned. I got so mixed up all the time, feeling all worried about how he felt about me.

    I went to his house just before Christmas and everything seemed to slot into place. He was a great Daddy, a great friend, it seemed like maybe we'd found that 'balance' again. I wanted to make him happy, he cuddled me and told me I did and he loved and wanted me. He smiled so much.

    Then on the 27th, a day before he was due to come here, I text him:

    'Daddddy, you don't resent having to look after me lots, do you?'
    '*giggle* Say it like Big Mac Daddy!'

    Then I asked if I could ring him, and he said yes. So I did...and we talked for a while, and he said he was going to bed cos he was super tired, and I said I loved him a lot, and he said he loved me too. I stayed up that night making him presents, I felt so happy and giggly and bouncy and I just could not WAIT to see him and ring in the new year together and give him the presents I made special for him.

    Suddenly at 5.30 there was a text.

    'I lied, things are not fine. I've been up all night crying and worrying. I'm not coming to stay. Don't try to contact me, it won't change anything. I need time to be by myself.'

    I don't even know how to describe how I felt after that. My stomach plummeted. I felt so sick and confused; how could he do that...he must just be scared about can I reassure him... So I text back I was sorry to hear that and I loved him and I hoped he'd feel lots better soon and I was sorry, and then his Mum replied on his phone saying 'He's a good person but he has had enough'...

    He turned off his phone and deleted me from his steam, his facebook, anywhere I could contact him. I happened to have a mutual friend staying over and I used her FB to ask him what was going on, why this happened. He replied with a big laundry list of problems he had with me that he'd never spoken to me about, told me his mum had pointed some stuff out about me, that it wasn't fair. Mostly he told me he felt he couldn't have a 'life' being friends with me; cos he had to put me first and stay up with me when I hurt and stuff. He said it was my fault he failed his A-levels...That he didn't want to spend hours on Skype with me.

    I responded to the massive post and he came online saying he loved me and he was so sorry. And I said it was okay, i wanted to work through this stuff, I was sorry I didn't know about this sooner, I wish he'd told me. I waited for an hour for a response, and then I said I needed food. I came back to this:

    'I'm so sorry Charlie. I loved you and I'll always remember you fondly but I can't do this anymore. You taught me so much, but like any child I've grown up and it's time to leave. You taught me to make the right choice, not the easy choice...saying I'm sorry and coming back would be easy.'

    And then he was gone. Everything that was 'him' has been deleted save for a couple of profiles he never uses anymore.

    This hurts so much. I'm so confused...he said he wanted me, he said he loved me and understood me. He gave me so many things to remind me of him, remind me he loved me, and wanted me, remind me that he'd never leave. There's seriously no area of my life he didn't wriggle into; even my toothbrush was a gift from him.

    I just feel utterly lost and hurt. I wish he'd explained. I wish he'd told me he felt this way. I thought he wanted me as much as I wanted him. But now I'm never going to see him again, and it hurts so, so much. Those visits were what I lived for, to be honest. Like I said, I don't have any friends IRL. I don't have anybody to spend time with. Having someone else my age who wanted to spend time with me felt so awesome.

    My emotions are all over the place right now. Sometimes I feel a little happy and more worry about if he wants me or not, no more paranoia, I have 'closure' (sort of). Other times I feel so depressed...I just want him to come back, I'd do anything, it's not fair, how the fuck could he do this to me, that bastard, he used to cry at the idea of not having me in his life. What's wrong with me? I mean...I know I have problems...but...he said he understood. He said he knew that was part of me and wanted to help...

    I lost my best friend when I was 14 as well. It hurt, and it's part of the reason I'm now a TB. I just can't see a reason for this other than there being something wrong with me.

    I have so many of his things here; games, books, AB he bought me, mugs and toys and candy. The worst is the letters...he used to write a letter every time we saw one another...I can't even look at them. They're all about how special I am to him, how much he loves me and wants to be with me... I don't know.

    He seemed so happy and loving towards me before...and now he's just removed me from his life. I don't understand. Was it all lies?

    I dunno. Guys...I'm not sure what I want. Experience, advice would be great. Even just a hug, knowing people are there for me...I dunno. I just feel crushed and I don't know where else to turn. This all feels so unreal.

    Thanks for reading this wall of text.

  2. #2


    I am not going to sit here and pretend to understand exactly how that feels because we are all different and I don't think any one of us would handle this situation the same way.

    But, re-reading the old letters and driving yourself mad with feeling sorry isn't helping. I am not saying "just get over it and forget him" but remember what you learned from him, come to the realization that you cannot let this wreck you. Remember that we are all people, we are all fallible, we all have our flaws. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, he should have shared how he felt with you earlier. He sabotaged the relationship, not you, and I kinda think he has some deeper issues than you know.

    If you need someone to talk to you can PM me or we can skype. I know what its like to have a caretaker mistreat you. Just know that God (or whomever you believe in) does not close a door without opening another one somewhere down the hallway. The question is if we are willing to get up and go open it.

  3. #3


    I'm so sorry CharliePup. Your relationship with Charlie was sort of epic for all of us. Charlie was a mod on this site when I first came one. I really enjoyed him, and we went back and forth with some funny stories. I did notice that it seemed like he was taking less interest in the site, first leaving as a mod, and then not posting.

    I wonder if he no longer enjoys the whole diaper thing? I do know that people, especially young people, grow and mature. That also means that they change, and their desires sometimes change. Most relationship don't last. It is only the special ones, the ones that for some reason bind us together forever, survive. My wife and I have that relationship.

    But look at me and my life. I dated a girl in high school, and we were hot and heavy. I could have seen myself marrying her, except that she broke it off when we went to different colleges. Then I dated the same boy for 3 out of the four years of college. But after college, he got drafted and I moved 400 miles away. I wanted a wife and a family, so yes, I changed dramatically.

    When I was in college, I was desperately in love with my parents' newspaper boy. He was this incredible, fantastic person, but it could never work out because he was straight. To his credit, he loved me as best he could, and was a good friend. Eventually I had to break it off because their was this sense of loss, the loss of intimacy that could never happen. Like you, I had the things he gave me. They were given out of love and I still have them.

    I wrote a poem about loves lost and it's on our finished story site. Basically it compared past loves and its impact on us, as being a dead soldier left behind on some foreign and alien shore. I'm sure that's how you now feel. The loss of that special love is one of the most painful events we have to suffer. Nothing can ever replace that person. Only time removes the pain, and even then, it has a way of creeping back when you least expect it. It's like the death of a loved one. There is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is move on one day at a time.

    I would let time sort this one out. Perhaps Charlie will talk to you several months from now. As much as I like Charlie, I think he owed you an explanation. When a couple have the time commitment that you two have, the breakup should have been discussed. To just make himself unavailable doesn't speak well for him, and this is a problem for him as well. I think he is a better person than that, and he needs to rise to the standards he has previously set for himself, and has set for others.

    As for you, try to put the things that he gave you, away. Poring salt into these fresh wounds will make the pain that much worse. When I wrote the early part of my novel, I talk about the move my family must make. Katelyn, my main character, puts all the pictures and things of her past life, her past home, out on shelves and her desk in her new bedroom. She tries to be strong, but in the end, she clutches her stuffed wolf Beowulf and cries. Sometimes, that's all you can do.

    I cried many times over John, and then tried to drown myself in the same water where we used to swim together. But, at the last moment, I realized that life was precious, and there was so much more to my life. Now at 64 I spend the best part of my life with my adult kids, and their children. We all got together this Christmas at my daughter's. You have to believe. If Charlie isn't the one, then there is another. It will take time to find him. In all my years of living, I have come to believe that a higher power has taken care of me. When one door closed, another opened. Hang in there.
    Last edited by dogboy; 31-Dec-2011 at 04:07.

  4. #4


    Dogboy...I'm Charlie, silly. This isn't about Charlie_F, who I haven't spoken to or seen around for a long time.

    And....thank you both...I feel a lot better just having been able to talk about it... I don't know. I feel 'up' now but I think later I'll feel worse again.

  5. #5


    I'm afraid that there's not a whole lot I can offer you other then my sympathy and textual support. I suffer from depression very often, have had miserable times in my life, and am very close to my friends. Despite all this, I feel I can only somewhat relate. I...I can't imagine how that must feel. I'm sure it hurts when your friends tell you they love you but keep such big, important secrets; I used to be that way. If you listen to anything I say in this post, listen to this: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! Friends may not tell you things, but that does not mean they do not trust you and it does not mean you haven't reached them. I know this; I had serious contemplations of suicide in the 6th grade and even went as far as ODing on my anti-depressants once (although that just made me sick). Did I talk about my real problems to anyone? No, not even to my few friends. I only did when my mom agreed to take me to a psychiatrist.

    I'm very sorry to hear all this; it must be heartbreaking. But do not blame yourself.

  6. #6


    Quote Originally Posted by CharliePup View Post
    Dogboy...I'm Charlie, silly. This isn't about Charlie_F, who I haven't spoken to or seen around for a long time.

    And....thank you both...I feel a lot better just having been able to talk about it... I don't know. I feel 'up' now but I think later I'll feel worse again.
    Clearly, there are times I'm a complete idiot. I simply live in this world of confusion. Anyway, I'm am sorry for the loss, and it all applies. If I could change this all for you, I would, but life has it's own purpose. As you probably know, life has recently been hard for me, as my wife is now on dialysis. I've spent the last 6 years trying to save her foot by working on her wound care every night. Going through this I've learned something.

    If you've ever seen the movie Kill Bill, the second movie, the Uma Therman character goes to Japan and seeks the one master who forges the best samurai sword in the world. He spends something like a year pounding and working the steel in the fire to make it the strongest steel of any sword. Life is like that. I really do believe that for some reason, there is a force that tries us and puts us in the fire. It makes us suffer terribly, but when we emerge, we're the stronger for it. I'm a different person after these 6 years. if I listen to our members, care about them, and even shed a tear or two because they are hurting, it is because I have been in the fire.

    I have always enjoyed you Charlie. I think in some ways, we are kindred spirits, just simply on opposite ends of the age pole. Regardless, I will think of you and care about you. Hang in there. A psychology professor once told the class that throughout life, we encounter these holes which we can fall into. Over time, we learn to build bridges over them. The hole is still there, and its effect on our lives is there, but we can keep going forward because of the bridge we psychologically build. Time enables us to do this. It will get better.

  7. #7


    I have had people betray me in the past, so I kinda know how you feel, even though I was never quite that close to them. At least, as in, none of them were caretakers or anything. I hope you will be able to find someone else that won't betray you. I also don't have any "real life" friends right now, and I haven't for a long while, so I know how lonely that can feel too. In general, people seem to think making friends is just so easy. For example, someone might say something like this: "You don't have friends? Well that's your fault... go get some!" Unfortunately, for some people like me... it just isn't easy at all to find friends.

  8. #8


    Great now I'm depressed and melancholic


    Anyway... Nothing to say other than sorry and that really sucks.

    My last breakup was similar in the sense that I didn't see it coming. feels like being sucker punched in the soul.

    If this were a situation of a girl leaving a boy, id recommend some tenacity. One of crappier things is to hear later that they felt like you didn't care and hoped you'd pursue when you were just trying to respect their wishes.

    I'm not sure if the reverse is applicable.

    Anyway, good luck.

  9. #9


    Quote Originally Posted by CharliePup View Post
    This all feels so unreal.
    You're spot on with that statement right there. I'm sooo sorry you're going through this, and I understand the difficulty of it. I truly empathize with you. I've lost almost all of the people I consider close and true friends due to many things; life changes, unresolvable differences, deceit/large lies, but mostly death. You're description of it all feeling so unreal is exactly what many people go through when these things happen.

    You've just been told by someone that they can't be the friend they were or not even a friend at all, and it is all very unreal because you have so much from them that you've collected for such a long time. You have letters, items, maybe happy pictures, and wonderful memories that tell you a much different situation than the negative emotions that you are now experiencing. It leaves a huge emotional hole in your life that is very difficult to fill and patch up. It can feel unreal to have to fill that void that you now have and to successfully manage the emotions, but I promise you that with hard work it is possible. I had to go through it every time I lost a dear friend that was special to me. I can't tell you exactly what will make you feel better, but I can share with you what made me feel better each time this happened, and only hope that it may help you in some way.

    I know that looking through pictures, letters, and items does help a bit, but it can get out of hand. There is a large difference between looking through things for happy memories and nostalgic purposes and looking through things so much that it becomes emotionally traumatic. No amount of looking through letters and pictures will change the present. It helped me to set things aside and not look through them for awhile (hold on to them, not get rid of them) until I had gained control of my emotions and had begun filling the unimaginable void in my life.
    It also helped me to find new activities to do that I hadn't done before, and had never participated in with my recently lost friend.
    I also found that physical exertion such as exercise and long walks helped me tremendously too.

    Going through these situations is never easy, and it never gets easier each time that it happens, but you do learn many things about yourself, become stronger emotionally, and even learn to appreciate what you do have in your life so much more.

    Once again, I am sorry to hear this has happened to you. It'll take time, but you'll make it. Continue to reach out to those around you in real life as well as online, and you'll find many people are willing to help you, and do a lot to help make things a little better.

  10. #10


    I'm so sorry you had to go through this its not a fun experience, and I know it can really hurt. When you share so much of yourself with someone, and then they leave you, it can really tear you a part and can feel like they just took a part of you away. I've felt this way before too... A friend of mine left me and said I wasn't good enough for him and his 'group', and I was just hurt because I thought we were close... I know what you're going through must be bad, and I can't imagine all of the things that you must be struggling with right now. I'm so sorry! Just know that things are going to get better!!

    Your friend left you, and that's because he's not good enough to be your friend anyway! If he wasn't communicating or telling you what was wrong, then that's his fault. Don't let his problems and lack of communication affect you. You are so caring that you did ask, but the fact that he didn't respond was his problem, not yours. Also, it seems like you really tried to make him feel better about what he was going though, but he decided not to take comfort from you and brush you off. That's not what friends do, and he just didn't take the time to appreciate that. I hope you can take these words as encouragement. I had to think for a long time after my friend left me, and these were some things that reassured me that I was the better person. You are too! Even though I don't know you well, I can already tell that you're an amazing person who really cares for others, and that you take a lot of pride and commitment to the relationships that you have. I respect that, and I find it to be very admirable It will take some time to overcome this, and I'm not expecting things to be ok overnight... but things will start to look better day by day.

    I know this must be very tough over the holidays, but know that there are so many other people out there that could be better friends or companions, and I'm sure you'll find someone again. It doesn't have to fill a hole, not at all, it can just be starting a new chapter, and an even better one than the last! I have faith in you Charlie! Re-reading or looking back on things won't help much. I would save that for later, long after acceptance sets in, or even just throw them away if you can. Right now just focus on other things, and let your mind process this in the background. In other words, I would suggest occupying your time with other things or other people, or even a hobby, and as time goes by you will start to be able to think more clearly on the subject, and just return to it for small points at a time, without stressing yourself again. If you can try that, I'm sure it will be better than having it ruin you for some time. No one wants that! Esp. you I'm sure

    I wish there was more I could say to help you, or make you feel better... But what I have left is lots and lots of huggles! *huggles* And feel free to message me anytime you want. I hope things are getting better, and keep smiling hun!
    Last edited by LittlePupChris; 31-Dec-2011 at 08:43.

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