Let me apologize in advance for a long post. I have been very down this last week and sort of just need to rant. That and this forum provides a great place for people who need support. Which is one big reason that i like this site. I may fail at explaining this as well. I have told a therapist and my parents about this before, and i still remain misunderstood.
I guess the big thing about my mind is that it is always changing. There are days when i am completely happy, the next day sad, one day i am very imaginative, the next i am completely logical. Of course its not necessarily a daily thing but can very from minute to minute or week to week. This doesn't sound all that abnormal but it goes to the extremes. My views on things often change day to day. I can feel very strongly that abortion is a good thing and then my views can completely change and i strongly appose it.
When i think, my mind is constantly battling between logic and emotion. I am an extremely logical person, which does come in handy. I am very good in math and can usually figure out just about any problem. At the same time though, i don't feel very much emotion at all, and i feel that i could have the potential to be much happier if i could. The biggest problem this is bringing about right now is that i very much love a very close friend of mine. I would do just about anything to make her happy and spend my life with her. However the logical side of my brain keeps me thinking, and i truly do believe this, that although we would be very happy with each other, we can never be happy if we are with each other. We both want completely different things out of life and we can't both have them if we are together. The other problem is that i can't view love as love. All i can think of is the chemical responses going on in our brains and that we don't actually love each other, we just fell for an evolutionary trait. This is how i usually view any emotion, even though i really wish i could stop thinking that way. You may have noticed that i suck at writing. I used to be better before these problems grew so far. With writing, along with acting and many other things, i feel that i don't really understand any of it because they play on human emotion, which i have a hard time experiencing myself, and i don't always know how to portray it.
Anyway, now on to the more interesting stuff. As this all is going on in my head, over the top of it is something much more difficult. When most people think they can think on multiple different levels and about several different things. You can show yourself this by trying to think about what you are thinking about and realizing that you are thinking about what you are thinking about. This can send you into a loop and really frustrate the hell out of you. Me, im a little bit beyond that. When i think of anything it branches off into different ideas, and from there more ideas. This keeps growing and growing and growing until i can't make sense of it. And its usually not just one thing. Its everything. With all of this going on inside my brain i can't always think straight. I get a basic track of thought going but it is hard to think hard about anything. I know This greatly affects my education. Its because of this, and probably ADHD that i have a very very hard time focusing on my schoolwork. I can sit on my computer, looking at my homework for hours and not get a single thing done. And thats not because i am procrastinating, often times i never even leave that page. The solution has been for years that i need to just meet with teachers after school, or have my parents watching over my shoulder making sure i get things done. However i have found that if i am trying to get past this problem, it makes it worse just because i am thinking about it. When i am in school or my parents are watching me, I am constantly being reminded of this and it just makes things worse.
These things have lead to some rather interesting things. Usually with all of this my mind just kind of defaults to a overall happy, logical, average me. And this is how people know me. But when i do start to feel sad or angry, i get really sad or angry. And i don't think its because i have Bipolar disorder or anything, which has been suggested. I think it is because usually when i start thinking this way, i realize how bad my life is actually getting. I am now 18 and really havn't learned what it takes to live on my own. And with college coming up i don't think i can make it on my own. I literally see no future for myself. I have always had problems with getting my work done, which i have already talked about, and now i dont know if i can even graduate on time. In an attempt to make things better, i have started doing online school this year, which i think is better, but still not good enough. I am about 40% done with my classes and have about 20 days left in the semester. I have done the math and it should be easily possible, but i know that i cant. Even worse is that i have always used different activities to keep myself happy and to create a stress relief. This year i am in drumline which took a lot of petitioning to get myself into. I did this on the condition that i can get my work done on time. I truly thought i could. Now I am in this position, it is to late for me to be replaced, and if i fail it not only take away the one thing left keeping me happy, but will let down 60 of my team mates.
There is more to this keeping me from getting things done too, which is makes it even worse. I live on a farm and my parents dont realize how hard this stuff is on me right now. I all to often end up spending the whole day doing farmwork instead of even being able to do my school work. Its hard for a person like me, who should have 8 hours dedicated to homework, to have an additional 5 minimum to farm work. I just cant get things done.
The last thing i want to complain about is that i am a severe insomniac. Its bad enough that every now and then i can go 3 days without sleeping even though i try to sleep. The main reason behind this is that i cant shut off my mind. When i lay in bed i am left completely to my thoughts and they never stop. every night since i was in kindergarten have been almost torture to me. I find it hard to believe myself that i can cope with it.
I feel like i am stuck. I dont see a way out of this, and where some people who feel this bad about life resort to suicide (which i know isn't the right choice). With my views on life, religion, the afterlife, etc... Death seams far worse than living to me, which really makes me sad knowing that one day it will come.
Luckily, there has been some good that has come out of this. Every great once in a while, usually every few months. I get into a state where my mind is functioning perfectly, my endless amount of uncontrolled thoughts become synchronized, and i have much greater thinking capacity than most people. My proudest story that is a result of this is that i have my own understanding of physics. One night while i was in one of these states a thought popped into my head about storing energy in empty space. This led to a very long series of thoughts that lead to my own physics theories. What makes me excited is that it not only brought me to idea of the big bang using completely separate ideas. ,but also fits in perfectly and and is almost the same as M-theory.
Ok, long angry sad rant done. Sorry for the long post.