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Thread: Changing yourself to avoid bullies and other crap

  1. #1

    Default Changing yourself to avoid bullies and other crap

    No I don't mean diapers. I mean changing things about yourself to get people to stop picking you on. Like you may hide your interests or things you like so kids wouldn't tease you or you change some things about your personality to kids wouldn't pick on you. You try harder at things so kids will stop bullying you or rejecting you and so people would want you around and be your friend.

    This came up because on another forum I wrote that I get annoyed when people complain about stuff and not do a thing about it and the thread was about mimicking neurotypicals and I get annoyed when people complain about how they are treated but yet they do nothing to fix that when there is a solution to it. I think if they don't want to do a thing about it, stop caring. Someone else read it and didn't like it and said I was blaming the victim. We are now in a argument so it got me thinking.


    Should victims really change things about themselves to avoid bullies, to be understood better by people, to be accepted, to get a job, etc.

    As a child I would pretend in school so kids wouldn't think I was a show off and weird. My guess is my odd behavior made kids think I was a show off and i think they read me wrong too. I hated that so I tried to be normal as possible but i only did it when i had to be around those kids such as at recess or on the bus, at lunch. Even if it was only one of them I saw, I still put on an act. Mom also used to tell me to not do this or that or kids will tease me and not like me.

    When getting a job, we do have to dress up and act to impress the person so they hire us. Our body language must be right and eye contact too. Should people really have to do this to get a job?

    Should a child not take stuff to school they might get made fun of over? Should they also keep secrets like the fact they still watch Barney so they won't get teased?

    Should a woman not be safe at night and not avoid walking in places that are unsafe so she won't get raped? Should she not bring her cell phone to be safe?

    Should someone not hide their valuables in their car or in their trunk to avoid someone taking them?

    Should someone not have to keep their cash hidden in public so no one will snatch it from them?


    Is this all blaming the victim? Are we really blaming ourselves when we try and be safe, try and keep people from thinking wrong of us, to get accepted, to get a job, to avoid being bullied and treated like crap, to avoid rejections,to avoid being a victim?

    Where would you draw the line about when someone should change and when they shouldn't have to change to get treated better, etc.? When is it not blaming the victim?


    One example that annoyed me was when I was with my first ex, he liked wearing his trench coat. I had no problems with it. It wasn't hurting anyone or me. But other people felt uncomfortable around him, strangers. They stayed away from him and wouldn't stand near him and they acted freaked out by him. This made my ex mad and one day he was bitching about it. He kept bitching about it. I decided to hive him a suggestion. I told him to not wear it out in public and he said that was "retarded" because it's "who he is." So I came up with another solution, I told him he can wear it at home and around people he knows. he still thought it was "retarded." So I told him to stop caring what they think then and ignore them. He still refused so i told him to stop complaining then. Don't complain if he won't do a thing about it.
    This was the kind of pet peeve I was talking about. people who bitch about other others treat them and won't do a thing about it when there is a solution to their problem.

  2. #2

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    I think that many of us modified our behavior while at school to avoid either bullying or to have friends. It's a shame we have to do that, but life makes its own dictates. I was a pretty bright kid, but I deliberately hid that from my friends. I never bragged about my report card, and in fact, hid it from my friends. I tried to act cool, and learned to keep my mouth shut (sometimes). I weight lifted so that others would be too afraid to pick on me. But that was me.

    There are some kids who have emotional problems, are overweight, funny looking, the list goes on, and they get bullied for these reasons. They're easy marks. It's not that they refuse to change, they simply can't. And really, they shouldn't have to. Bullying is always wrong. Doing bad, harmful and hateful things is always wrong.

    Our church minister told this story in his sermon today. He read this from a story in The New York Times. In the 70's, I believe, six young Americans who were in Iraq were taken prisoners and charged with being spies. They were tortured and told to sign a confession saying they were spying for the U.S. One by one, after brutal beatings and other forms of torture, they signed the confession. There was only one hold out. He refused to sign, saying he was not a spy. After weeks of this, they told him he had 5 seconds to sign or he would die. They put a 45 automatic to his head and told him to sign. He almost did, and then refused, saying he was not a spy. He would die for his convictions. They put the gun to his head, cocked the hammer and pulled the trigger. He heard it click, and then they left. It was unloaded. Several months later, he was released. Once he was home he learned that all of his friends had been hung because they had confessed, something needed in Islamic law. He survived because he refused to change who he was or what he did or didn't do.

    We have a God given right to be who we are. We didn't chose our personalities, or how we were raised. We didn't chose our economic background, or how our parents fed us. We didn't chose bad eyesight, needing glasses, being smart or slow. We didn't chose if we were athletic or clumsy. We didn't chose if we were funny or serious. We, or our forefathers did chose that we live in a democratic society where everyone is equal, has the right to the same laws of civil decency, to be safe and not violated by physical violence or verbal abuse.

  3. #3

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    Yeah I'm terrified of people even some of the people I know pretty well. As a young kid others would look at me funny because I would back away and speak real soft or just not talk. I was pretty content with isolation but mum told me that the world is to big to take on alone and its worse when people push you away.

    So I learned how to put on a brave face, not to cringe or jump every time someone was loud or touched me. I started being friendlier to people just to make sure they were happy. People cam to me to talk about stuff because I would always listen without judging

    I was always so picked on even after trying that I learned to fight and started defending others who were getting picked on.

    The word really is a pretty unforgiving place that only brave or ruthless people thrive in, But bravery is just the art of being scared out of your mind and being the only one who knows it.

  4. #4
    littlepacifiergirl

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    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I was a pretty bright kid, but I deliberately hid that from my friends. I never bragged about my report card, and in fact, hid it from my friends. I tried to act cool, and learned to keep my mouth shut (sometimes). I weight lifted so that others would be too afraid to pick on me.
    Wow thanks for sharing your experiences. This is actually pretty much me in my journey though school as well. I was also a all A student and scored the 4th highest in my state on a science proficiency exam. Then somewhere along the line I decided to adopt the attitude of my peers and I'm still trying to recover and create good school habits since.

    Should you change things about yourself? Sadly for me and many other people that are tb's or sissys, yes you have to. There is simply not enough information out there about these kind of things and it seems our schools would rather teach about abstinence in health class than alternative sexuality. I'd probably be labeled as a pervert by the population at large and I can't afford to let this part of my life get ahead of all my other aspirations.

    In kindergarten you learn how to respect your peers, share, and be accept ant of each other. It's funny (in a sad way ) how readily people abandon these principles in adulthood. As complex as the problems are that face the world today, you can still trace almost all of them to some sort of intolerance or inability to share and compromise. It's funny because as I watch whatever might be on Nick Jr. or read a book for children they teach lessons so simple, but so powerful. If everybody could just learn to embrace these messages in the context of their everyday lives the world probably wouldn't be as big a mess as it is now. Morality aside it's a huge damper on our making progress as more intelligent and creative people. Love is a far greater force than hate will ever be and we all need to learn to embrace that truth.

    (sorry if this was really preachy )

  5. #5

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    If you really like the way you are, why change because 1 person in 7 billion doesn't like the way you are?

    I believe that if someone doesn't like you, it doesn't matter what you do, they will always dislike you.

  6. #6

    Default

    The way I see it is that the world will not change. It's a virtually unstoppable force. Virtually meaning it could potentially be stopped, but to stop it would take far to much effort and the consequence is great, it's much easier to just go with the flow.

    For instance, I can't change the psychology of the douchbags at school. I mean I could, but that would take a lot of work on my part. What I can do though is lay low and not do whatever it is that they like to point out to make them feel more secure about themselves. If my friends choose not to, well, tough. That's their own damn fault. Humans can adapt to their environment or suffer the consequences.

    If you choose not to adapt or are physically unable to then you have chosen or need a different kind of adaptation. That adaptation is pretty much to put up walls and find a reliever. Some people turn to others in the form of complaints, some hurt others verbally or physically, others learn to fight back, others turn drugs or alcohol, some to diapers and baby things, the list goes on. Pretty much everything we do is an adaptation to our environment, part of the never ending quest to make our lives more comfortable.

    In the end though what you do is your choice, you have to weigh out the pros and cons to decide if it's worth the consequence and then deal with it. And unfortunately sometimes we don't have a choice. In a perfect world this wouldn't be a problem, but I guess we're stuck with the not perfect one so we'll just have to live with it.

    ...Unless you actually want to go about changing the world, then by all means go for it. It's never entirely impossible.

  7. #7

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    yeah, you hear a lot of people saying things like "i don't care what anyone thinks of me. anyone who doesn't like me just the way i am can go fuck themselves." like it's somehow a virtue to act however you like and not to care what anyone thinks. i don't know where people get the idea that that sort of attitude is cool. the people who ACTUALLY behave that way are in jail.

    pretty much everything you ever learned in life you learned by imitating people. if you had never imitated anyone you would never have learned how to walk and talk, how to feed yourself, and how to coexist with others. that's how we mature.

    if you believe you're perfect the way you are and you don't need to mature any more then by all means stop imitating people. but speaking for myself, i'm always observing the people around me who seem happiest, who have the most friends, and who i respect and enjoy spending time with, and trying to change my public persona to take on the characteristics that make those people successful. there's nothing shameful or dishonest about that. inside i'm still the same person i've always been, i've just learned new skills and techniques for getting along with others.

  8. #8

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    I quit being a bullying victim when I quit trying to change myself to fit other people's views of what I ought or ought not to be. Once I started being myself, oddly enough, people left me alone.

    Of course, this depends on what we're talking about - are you talking about changing yourself to fit other people's expectations, or are you just talking about the mimicry that goes on with ALL personality development?

    My best advice is to just be natural.

  9. #9

    Default

    Like kids may tease someone for watching Barney or may tease someone for wearing clothes that are too small or tease someone who picks their nose and eats their boogers or someone who throws things in class or someone who keeps running and hiding, or someone who eats glue or sniffs things.

    My ex's trenchcoat is an example too even though he didn't get bullying, he got crap like people being uncomfortable around him and not wanting to be near him because of his trench coat. They get freaked out by it. But yet he bitch about it and not do a thing about it by not wearing that coat out in public since peoples reactions bothered him that much. I told him to either not care or don't wear the coat in public. He can't have it both ways.

    It's good that people left you alone. I actually had to change myself at school to not be a bully victim. I had to try and act normal as possible but because I cared so much what people thought of me then, I hated being in school and around those kids that thought I showed off and thought I was weird and selfish. But now I don't care anymore what people think of me and if people want to think I like to get attention or that I show off or that I am rude or that I never listen, I don't care. I am not going to try and impress people anymore. I was in my teens when I decided to not care what people think of me. It made my life a lot easier. When I was in high school, my shrink told me the reason why I don't get bullied is because I have better social skills than I did when I was little so I was bullied back then because my social skills weren't good. But I changed that about me so my life be easier. I figured it was because I was in a small town and we had moved and that if we stayed where we lived, I would have kept getting bullied and it would have gotten worse as I get older. It was worse by 6th grade. Mom told me the middle school I'd be going to if we didn't move would have destroyed me.

    My guess is those kids misread me and thought I was showing off to get attention. people who are different due to a disability, people tend to assume they do it on purpose to get attention and that they want to be picked on. I am sure normal kids get accused of doing things for attention like someone may decide to dye her hair purple because that is what she wants to do but instead kids think she did that for attention. Okay, what is she going to do about it Is she not going to care what they think and say to her about it and just keep her hair color or will she wash the dye out and never dye her hair again because she didn't like what kids thought and what they said to her?

    ---------- Post added at 02:35 ---------- Previous post was at 02:31 ----------



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post

    Our church minister told this story in his sermon today. He read this from a story in The New York Times. In the 70's, I believe, six young Americans who were in Iraq were taken prisoners and charged with being spies. They were tortured and told to sign a confession saying they were spying for the U.S. One by one, after brutal beatings and other forms of torture, they signed the confession. There was only one hold out. He refused to sign, saying he was not a spy. After weeks of this, they told him he had 5 seconds to sign or he would die. They put a 45 automatic to his head and told him to sign. He almost did, and then refused, saying he was not a spy. He would die for his convictions. They put the gun to his head, cocked the hammer and pulled the trigger. He heard it click, and then they left. It was unloaded. Several months later, he was released. Once he was home he learned that all of his friends had been hung because they had confessed, something needed in Islamic law. He survived because he refused to change who he was or what he did or didn't do.

    Why did they leave the guy alone after he kept refusing to confess? What were the soldiers doing with the hostages who they thought were spies? Did they really think they were spies? If not, why did they try and get them to falsely confess? If so, why did they give up and leave the guy and release him?

  10. #10

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    Interesting, and yes I did change to avoid bullies, or stop the bullying. However, I certainly can't say that I have changed for the better given my current situation now.

    I lived far away from school as it was, and didn't really have any friends. So I had very few people (ok, no one) to talk to. This of course certainly didn't make me feel too much better about myself. Rather then confronting my problems that I may have had in high school (which I'm still unsure of what they were) I backed away even further taking a life of seclusion. Staying hidden during lunch hour, only leaving my secret little hide out to grab some food from the cafeteria (which I also went very quickly towards). I kept all my school books in my book bag including all text books so I would never have to stop at my locker, and I waited by the window in a classroom until my bus showed up at which point I would enter the bus and sit directly behind the bus driver.

    I can't say that I didn't have good reasons for this, high school was rather difficult for me. But that seclusion I forced myself into really shut me down, and it's hard to get back from it. Every day is still a struggle for me with social situations, since I avoided them a lot of my life.

    It would have been better if I could have changed for the better, or just manned up and told someone about what was happening. Oh well, that's life and lessons are learned =)

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