As I stare at this screen in front of me I can't believe what I'm about to do. Words inching themselves further along the screen creeping closer and closer to exposing myself for all that I'm worth. I feel like this is something that has been brewing inside my head for a long time and coming. My hands, the tools of my destruction and yet I can only count on one of them, the people who know what I'm about to reveal. Why I've waited so long really only comes down to one thing, fear. I didn't know if it would change anything, how people would perceive me after they finally knew the truth.
Consider this my way of finally confronting what I've tried to deny myself for years. I am not perfect by any means. That reputation count you see on the left is not true to me. The gold is nice and shiny indeed but if you were to rub it down raw I'm sure of the fact you would find black. I rhymed that shit, ha! I am a wolf in sheep's clothing, there's no denying that.
This all traces back to when I first joined this fine group of people before me. For me personally it feels like there's no other outlet where I can share this in confidence. My life story, when I came forward with that I intentionally left out some parts that I kept hidden between the cracks. It didn't feel right, everything was too soon. Now? Well now is the time otherwise you wouldn't be reading this, now would you?
*puts some Burial tunes on*
I have a dark side that tries to creep back into my life every opportunity it can. Unfortunately for it, I'm not the same person I was years ago. Believe it or not but a story like this actually does involve some diaper elements in it. Enter, private chat room "diapers" on AOL. I was about twenty or twenty one at the time when this all developed into what it did. By no means was I alone either, my best friend in the chat room during those times was a guy named Min with the screen name "winnie da p0oh". Min was not your stereotype ab/dl by a longshot and I sure as hell wasn't either. Probably a big factor that played in our favor as to why we got along so well. During those times I had a hard time keeping a steady job where it eventually left me with no decision but to find a cheaper means of living. My friend Min offered me a business opportunity to train under him and put our collective profits together. Not having anything else to fall back on, I agreed with hesitation.
When I did eventually arrive in Colorado Springs, CO. our first order was to setup a place of business. Min wanted to expand and I needed a place to live so it only made sense to do just that. We went in on a apartment together and quickly got to work setting up our office. What was our business exactly? High profile spammers. No, I'm not proud of it but at that time I did whatever it took to survive so please don't judge me for something I've already judged myself for. I want to emphasize on the point that Min was NOT just any spammer. This kid could build custom scripts and programs like no one's business. He was at the top of his game when it came to just about anything that involved a computer. I have proof of this that I will share at the end but for now keep reading because I haven't even begun to get into the juicy bits.
Profits started to pour in and I soaked up any piece of information he had to offer, we spent our leisure times literally smoking said profits away.
When I need relief I spell it THC
perhaps you may know vaguely what I mean
I sit back and smoke away huge chunks of memory
As I slowly inflict upon myself a full lobotomy - call it pointless.
I wish I could say this was my stopping point because it would certainly makes thing easier but once again I regret to inform you that it's not. Patience my child.
Lets face it, making money and smoking eventually does get old. We eventually ventured out for more entertainment and found ourselves new regulars at the local Cyber Cafe. Counterstrike was our poison. It felt like the only thing people did in The Springs for entertainment was exactly that. Work, smoke, drink, eat, and counterstrike. It wasn't until we started to become friends with our local drug dealer that things took a turn for the worse. Of course none of us could possibly see it coming but it did all thanks to greed. Min wanted to expand his profits so he got involved in the local pot business venture by helping out with fronting money for pot. For those that don't know but when you do that you get a nice percentage of profit out of it so it only made sense for him to go forward with it. It didn't take long for our home to become the home of our dealer. One friend led to a next and one drug led to another. What started with simple weed turned into ecstasy pills which turned into coke and eventually led to guns. I'm ashamed to admit it but I should mention that not only were we heavily involved in selling but we were also partaking any chance we had.
It wasn't until I came home one day and saw over four hundred pills of ecstasy spread out over the coffee table that I started to snap back into reality that this was becoming too much. Our bathtub wasn't even a place one could relax anymore as it was occupied with weed trimmings full to the brim. One thing was true at this time for me. I had a ton of money but I was not happy at all. I hated myself for what I had allowed myself to become and that hatred poured into my spores as it infected everyone around me. All this on top of the fact I had my first drug addiction ever, to coke of all things. No other drug could give me the feeling that it provided so everything else was weak in comparison. All this drug use never did anything to truly benefit me though because after it all wore off I still hated myself. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't live my life in fear. It felt like it was only a matter of time until we were caught and then it would be too late. Trust was a fucking joke to me. I didn't believe in it, hell I could barely trust myself.
A vivid memory that still haunts me to this day. I remember when Min got the idea in his head that he wanted to be the drug lords of Colorado. To do that though we had to send a message. He came up with the plan to setup a fake drug deal with our competition. The catch being having a friend waiting at the location of the pick up with guns ready to be drawn. The plan went flawless. It was setup to look like we both were robbed for everything we had but they didn't know that, not until we laughed in their faces later telling them to consider themselves out of business as of now. Mental eh? Yeah. I have to live with that.
To say we were out of control really puts it lightly. Every day was like a party to us. The only friends we had were working for us now but were soon taken capture by the power of greed. This story isn't about them though so let's continue. You're probably asking yourself at this point so what did it take for you to wake the fuck up? It wasn't until my partner broke up with me that I was forced to look at myself. He would often argue with me that I wasn't the same person he originally fell in love with. No way in hell did I agree though, too damn blind by my coke addiction that refused to let go. Like it was said earlier though, that high can only last so long and eventually I did find myself hitting rock bottom. The conversation I had with a wolf poster one night shortly after that under the influence of shrooms didn't help either. The wolf basically told me that I need to watch my back and get out while I still can. Your friends are your enemies.
At that point I locked myself out from the world. I went into cave mode not wanting anything to do with anyone. I struggled with withdrawal on my own terms. When I overcame those inner demons the only thing left for me to do was to get out. I had to drive focus back into what or who was originally important to me. That person was Noname. I wanted him back and told myself to do just that. Before I set the plan in motion though I decided to needed to get away from here to give myself some time to think. Why I decided to go to a fur con up in Seattle, I do not know. When I eventually returned I was not emotionally prepared to see what waited for me. I found my Siberian Husky pup locked away in her kennel, traces of blood dried up in her fur. The no mistaking smell of shit in the air following with the piercing cries coming from her cage. I snapped. If I wasn't broken before, I was now. To know my own selfish lifestyle and bad habits put her at risk was the final driving point. Now I truly knew where Noname was coming from.
*sits back to think on that* ...damn.
No one was home at the time when I was so I quickly packed all my junk up and left. I called Min to tell him I was done with everything.
"No I won't ever turn you in, just leave me out of all involvement. It was fun while it lasted but I just can't do this anymore. Too many people are being hurt because of me and I can't continue on like this".
It didn't take long for the death threats to start pouring in. I tack it up to paranoia which I should of saw coming. I was basically told if they ever saw me again to consider myself dead. What started with death threats though soon turned into personal attacks along the lines of diaper freak. I guess Min decided to expose my secret to everyone to make himself look like some kind of hero even though he was only kidding himself. A true friend.
So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: That there is no conclusion. When I thought my life was truly over I still managed to turn it around. I didn't give up when times were at their darkest hour. There's not a day that goes by where I don't look back on how incredibly lucky I am. I should of went to prison in my eyes. Someone was looking after me and for that I am thankful. Noname and myself eventually did start over as most of you know. You won't find me ever taking him for granted again and if you do you have my personal permission to smack the shit out of me.
As for Min? Well he did eventually get caught. Surprisingly not for drugs though. I'm not sure what exactly happened there but the focus of his arrest was mainly due to his record keeping of high profits all due to spam. Don't believe me? Proof.
I learned from a favorite movie of mine that it's always good to end with a quote. If someone else has already said it best, steal from them and go out strong.
Forgotten throes at anothers lie
The heart of love is their only light
Faithless greeds consolidating
Holding down sweet charity
With western eyes and serpent's breath
We lay our own conscience to rest
Thanks for your time everyone.