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Thread: relationship troubles...

  1. #1

    Unhappy relationship troubles...

    So, I met this girl in my fraternal club for people with Asperger's and autism back in the fall of 2009. She seemed pretty cool, and I enjoyed hanging out with her both inside the club and outside, and I started to be affectionate towards her. When I first met her, I was already in a relationship with a dear friend of mine, who also happens to be my hair stylist. We only dated for three months, and then when she broke up with me, that further accelerated my affection for the girl at the fraternal club, as she had consoled me following the break-up. As the year progressed, we started becoming closer and more flirtatious. Finally, on December 26 of last year, we confessed our feelings for each other.

    While to me it was nothing more than finding out we had an interest in each other, to her it was the start of a new life; she had found her Prince Charming. I attempted to make it perfectly clear to her that I had no intention to marry or become life partners in any way, shape or form. However, she offered the opportunity to become hand-fasted, for it would not be legally binding, a notion which I rebuke and clearly express my aversion to.

    Now, I've been seeing her for 8 months now, and my parents strongly disapprove, due to the fact that she lives in a group home (she needs staff most of the day, certain unrevealed medications, and cannot have visitors after 11, which puts a damper in spending time together), and she is 10 years older than me. She is obviously developmentally disabled; just recently have I started to see it manifest itself. She is totally engrossed in me and developing fantasies of romance, while she's done nothing to build the intimacy. When talking to my friends, she talks only about sports and myself (I know this is an autistic trait, for I experience it too). Her outlook on the world is entirely egocentric; she has an expectation that I have heard about things she talks about. (I'm sure we all do to some extent or another) Reportedly, she tells me she'll never be able to have more than a part-time job. To some it may sound shallow, but I don't seek serious relationships with women who aren't career-focused. She'll never be able to live up to my expectations; I may very well end up having to take care of her in the long run.

    Don't get me wrong, I like this girl, but given her limitations, I cannot possibly foresee marriage or lifelong commitment as a reality. I plan on moving from my home to another city in 5 years, and I told her that it's going to be over after that; whatever the future holds for me, she won't be a part of it. This matter it has made me emotionally torn, because know that we do not see eye to eye on what we want to get out of this, and when she asks my sentiments, I'm often forced to evade giving her an answer, because until very recently, I haven't known what to say. Unless she can accept the fact that our relationship is not going to have any permanence, I cannot continue to date her. It's been quite painful, for I had wished for things to be more ideal for me.

    Lately, I've been seeing other people because I know that I have to break it off soon. I obviously need to let her down, easy, but I don't know how/when.

  2. #2

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    So... to sum up... not only are you leading a developmentally delayed woman on, you're also cheating on her? Classy Actually, scrap the developmentally delayed part, not only are you leading a woman on but you're also cheating on her?!

    You haven't mentioned any of her good points, do you even like her? If it's got to the point where you're regularly cheating then you need to break up with her. Yes, it will break her heart, but you've only yourself to blame for that. And to be honest, if you're already cheating on her to the extent it sounds like then you probably won't care too much anyway, right?

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Talula View Post
    You haven't mentioned any of her good points, do you even like her?
    Yes, I do. She's nice, attractive, nonjudgmental and willing to do anything for me, almost to a fault. She likes whatever I like, trying very, very hard to impress me and mimic my interests. However, it has come to a point where a relationship cannot be successful, for my parents strongly disapprove and it's clear that we want entirely different things out of life. The next phase of my life entails having a successful career, not having to babysit somebody.

    Does going out for coffee/lunch with others count as cheating to you?

    I've never even kissed the woman in question, mostly because I don't want to confirm some preconceived false notion that we'll be together forever.

    I'm not going to concern myself with her reaction, for when things were going well, I already decided and made clear to her that our relationship was not going to end in marriage or handfasting, nor would we become like Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed (as they were until recently). It's her own fault that she, despite my assertiveness and establishing limits, that she has these false hopes of having an everlasting commitment. Instead of being conscious of my feelings, she's absorbed in this fantasy. If she's upset because I'm breaking up with her, that's her own fault. We tried to build the intimacy, we tried communication, and we both failed.



    By the way, Talula, the rules of this forum said to be TACT.

    ---------- Post added at 15:58 ---------- Previous post was at 15:18 ----------

    This is the reality for me:

    I'm going to be spending the next 5 years of my life, toiling away to get my degree, establishing myself as a valid candidate in my field, trying to pay off student loans, and trying to get the hell out of my home city.

    I desire companionship of another during these starving, bleak years, even if it is temporary.

    The ideal for is to have a lasting partnership which both can benefit and grow together

    Considering the limitations of this woman, it is not practical or healthy to have a permanent commitment. I don't want a partner who needs me to take care of them fiscally and socially. Thus, I made clear that if we were to date, it would be ONLY until I graduated and moved out of town. She won't listen to me.

  4. #4

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    And if you told her you've met someone else (even if this isn't true)? That would probably hurt her more but maybe she then would understand? God while I'm writing this I feel pretty crap about giving such an advice. But it would also mean that you'd have to break all contact as well. It might make it easier for you if you didn't see/hear from each other anymore then if you don't plan her into your future at all.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    Yes, I do. She's nice, attractive, nonjudgmental and willing to do anything for me, almost to a fault. She likes whatever I like, trying very, very hard to impress me and mimic my interests. However, it has come to a point where a relationship cannot be successful, for my parents strongly disapprove and it's clear that we want entirely different things out of life. The next phase of my life entails having a successful career, not having to babysit somebody.
    Then break it off. Your parents disapproval should have nothing to do with it at your age, but if you don't see this relationship working...break it off..



    Does going out for coffee/lunch with others count as cheating to you?
    It's not the act so much as the intention. Going out for coffee with my friends to have a good old natter? Not cheating. Doing the same thing as a 'date' to find windows to persue romantic relationships? Cheating. To me anyway.

    Examine your thoughts. Are you going out with female friends...or are you going on dates?



    I've never even kissed the woman in question, mostly because I don't want to confirm some preconceived false notion that we'll be together forever.
    But that doesn't make the relationship any less REAL to her. 'We haven't kissed' doesn't mean you're not in a relationship, regardless of your intentions.



    I'm not going to concern myself with her reaction, for when things were going well, I already decided and made clear to her that our relationship was not going to end in marriage or handfasting, nor would we become like Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed (as they were until recently). It's her own fault that she, despite my assertiveness and establishing limits, that she has these false hopes of having an everlasting commitment. Instead of being conscious of my feelings, she's absorbed in this fantasy. If she's upset because I'm breaking up with her, that's her own fault. We tried to build the intimacy, we tried communication, and we both failed.
    Okay, first bolded point; then what on earth do you want from us? You know you should break up with her, you don't care about how she feels when you do. Then do it.

    Second: No. It is not 'her own fault'. I am a firm believer that you should never be mad at someone or blame them for their emotions. Yes, she's clearly living in a fantasy, but to act like you breaking up with her and her being hurt by you dumping her is entirely her fault is just callous. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, but you need to take responsibility for your actions, both the good and bad. Leaving her is the best thing for you both in the long run, her because she won't be believing some idle fantasy that isn't true and get her heart broken worse in the long run, you because of all the reasons listed. But it WILL hurt her, and you /will/ cause that hurt. Don't try to wriggle out of it, accept it as a part of the process.



    By the way, Talula, the rules of this forum said to be TACT.
    'Tact' doesn't mean turning a blind eye when you think someone is doing wrong. Talula was not insulting or nasty in her response.

  6. #6
    Cherub

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    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    When I first met her, I was already in a relationship with a dear friend of mine, who also happens to be my hair stylist. We only dated for three months, and then when she broke up with me, that further accelerated my affection for the girl at the fraternal club, as she had consoled me following the break-up. As the year progressed, we started becoming closer and more flirtatious. Finally, on December 26 of last year, we confessed our feelings for each other.
    So by your own words, this girl, is nothing more than a rebound item. Something that you could use to help yourself feel better. Dude, not cool.



    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    While to me it was nothing more than finding out we had an interest in each other,
    If that was all it was, then you should have had the respect and decency to break it off right then.



    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    but I don't seek serious relationships with women who aren't career-focused. She'll never be able to live up to my expectations;
    Live up to YOUR expectation? I'm sorry, but in a relationship, you need to consider the other person, not just yourself. Why then did you 'confess your feelings' for her in the first place? Sounds like you already knew this before you struck up a relationship.



    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    Don't get me wrong, I like this girl, but given her limitations, I cannot possibly foresee marriage
    Then why are you even allowing any type of romantic relationship to continue?



    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    I plan on moving from my home to another city in 5 years, and I told her that it's going to be over after that;
    If you already know this, why are you delaying the inevitable?



    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    I'm often forced to evade giving her an answer, because until very recently, I haven't known what to say.
    Tell her what you've said in this post. In the 'long run' she will appreciate honesty than being strung along. Even if waht you have to tell her does hurt her. (which it will, don't kid yourself)



    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    I cannot continue to date her. It's been quite painful, for I had wished for things to be more ideal for me.
    Once again, I don't hear any concern at all for this girl. All I hear is you concerned about yourself. I hope I am wrong, but by what you wrote, you sounds very self center and self-serving. If you have so little invested in this relationship, then cut it loose.



    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    Lately, I've been seeing other people because I know that I have to break it off soon. I obviously need to let her down, easy, but I don't know how/when.
    Nobody "NEEDS" to let anyone down. What this girl needs is to have the truth told to her by the person who started it all.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    I'm not going to concern myself with her reaction
    Well tough you are going to have to, this woman is going to be distraught, absolutely distraught. Even if you don't want a future with her you should at least be gentle and consider her feelings otherwise you just come across as an asshole.




    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    It's her own fault that she, despite my assertiveness and establishing limits, that she has these false hopes of having an everlasting commitment. Instead of being conscious of my feelings, she's absorbed in this fantasy.


    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    If she's upset because I'm breaking up with her, that's her own fault.
    No it isn't her fault. Firstly any woman gets upset when their boyfriend breaks up with them, as do men. It's human nature. And those false hopes were only reinforced by you staying with her even after you said this wasn't a long term thing, every day she probably got more and more engrossed in her fantasy. It may not be entirely your fault but you certainly cannot place the blame solely on her.

    You say it would only be until you graduated/moved out of town which would be nearly 6 years, that is not a short term relationship, most couples would engaged after being together that long. The 8 months you've been going now is starting to become more of a long term relationship. You need to break it off now, she can't go on living as though you two are a happy couple and you need to minimise the damage that has already been done.

  8. #8

    Thumbs up relationship troubles... RESOLVED

    Well, after much deliberation, I made my executive decision. I told her my reasoning, which was exactly as I described; I told her right-out that our relationship is not going to have any permanence, and I told her that what we both seek out of our relationship are two completely different outcomes.

    I came here to seek out an unbiased opinion, for most of my friends simply said that they support what I do no matter what. I knew I had to break it off, and I'm glad I did it in the most honest way possible. I give kudos to CharliePup and pajamakitten, who presented the matter to me in a relatively neutral fashion and give me their best advice, even if at the time I felt attacked. They were right to suggest that I do it without delay.

    Now, things are fine, we're still friends, and she handled it in a extremely mature and compassionate manner. Considering my previous experience with women, this reaction was shocking. We're hanging out and passing treats on Halloween. All is well.

    I just hope I didn't come off as some kind of narcissistic dick during my dilemma.

  9. #9
    Cherub

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    Quote Originally Posted by captainpollution View Post
    I just hope I didn't come off as some kind of narcissistic dick during my dilemma.
    You just have to bear 2 things in mind when it comes to posting in any forum. 1) We are only aware of what you tell us. Any forgotten or omitted details can have a big impact on how we perceive things. 2) We can not hear tone of voice. All we see is black & white text on a screen. Sometimes it's a tough judgement call, sometimes we get it wrong, sometimes we change our opinions based upon further details. But bottom line, we're in this community together, and in the end I believe we do respect each other and do what we can to help out. Sometimes the person requesting input may not like what they read in reply, but none of it was aimed or meant for the purpose of hurting anyone.

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