I feel like that little bird from the classic Dr. Seuss childrens book who goes in search of his mommy so that's my reasoning for the subject title. Well that and I couldn't think of anything better.
What's this all about exactly? A few things. I owe a update, confession, and believe it or not but an apology too. To get in the spirit of things I've decided I need to retrace my tracks here so I've gone back to my original intro avatar.
I'm really struggling with wording here ...*takes a sip of beer and puts on some tunes* Low End Theory podcast don't fail me now.
So some of you know I had a mommy at one point that I was pretty proud of at the time. I would say I was proud to the point I blinded myself to the truth. One of those "everything is going to well to be true, so it must not be" moments. I had one of those a few months back and the end result was me left with a shattered heart. Since that time I have picked up all the pieces, shards and all. I told myself that I was done with carrying to search anymore because all it did was leave me more confused, lost, heartbroken, and just damn right embarrassed. The shame that came with the end results stuck me in a isolated corner inside my head because I didn't want to tell anyone. When I would hear how all my friends were happy for me or even jealous, how do you confess something when you yourself don't even know?
Now that I've painted a picture of where my state of mind was at, let me further back track.
*scratches chin* I was about eighteen or nineteen when I first had a mommy that I was actively pursuing myself in. At that time I didn't really have much going on for me in my favor, my life was very much in shambles trying to sort myself out. We continued to talk though and the more time that passed, the more that interest grew. I knew she was special because she was the only female that could get me to talk on the phone without me wanting to shoot myself on the other end. Things were getting serious and I felt like all that was left to seal the deal was to finally meet. I was taking a road trip and figured I would plan it around to do just that. When that time came though, she didn't show. My last vivid memory of her was leaving a voice mail on her phone in the tone of a goodbye while I stared at her mailbox. Heavy drinking followed that night up.
For years I kept wondering in the back of mind what happened that night. What happened period. I didn't really understand because I was still pretty young to consider the whole picture for what it is. I was too occupied letting my demons get the best of me by filling my head with hate. I swore off my search for finding a mommy for years because I felt like it was a lost cause. Not only that but it really left me second guessing exactly what are my chances of ever filling this void in my life.
I'm not exactly in a ideal situation for a mommy looking. For one. I'm in a relationship as most of you know for over ten years now with my fellow lion, Noname. My heart, soul, best friend, etc. He knows everything of my search and supports me because he knows as much as I've tried to deny it that won't be happening anytime soon. So when I do search for a mommy between explaining that, the fact this isn't sexual for me. No, put your fucking whips and chains away. No, I'm not paying you for your fake love gestures. You see what I'm getting at here? I pretty much sold myself on the fact that I'm asking for too much and this is a complete shot in the dark. Give it up Statik, GIVE IT UP!
And I tried that ...and I failed. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger though and so the hunt was back on. Again, years of nothing. It wasn't till about two years ago when I started seeing a therapist because work ordered it due to my work performance slipping. I was having issues with my little brother at the time and the fear that he was on the same path as our older brother by his heavy drug involvement. During those sessions we came to a point where we started making a lot of connections with a lot of the shit I dealt with in my past. It was only a matter of time before I told her everything, even my secret. I was right. I've discussed this subject on here before so I'll quickly rehash it out. After I told her of my dl/ab tendencies she not only comforted me with the notion that I had nothing to be ashamed of but also that it was a coping mechanism for me which is pretty damn understanding of me given my past. We got into the discussion of my mom and how I wished things were versus how they weren't. She told me to simply not give up and don't take your partner for granted in the mean time. Their support should mean everything to you and make sure he knows it.
Back on track. A mommy out of the blue from Diaperspace contacted me earlier this year. I proceeded with caution at first because I didn't want to rush anything. Day by day, week by week, month by month ...my trust barriers were slowly falling down. We finally met face to face after about eight months of solid talking. I would say we lost about three months due to my gallbladder surgery/recovery though where we would of met sooner. She claimed she was simply a busy person but I kept holding on to the hope that we would work through any problem that came up. When we did meet though? Damn. My first experience having a mommy look after me as if I was her own. I LOVED it! Nothing felt fake, no acting, no bullshit. Just mommy and her toddler enjoying their time together. Pretty bliss. *nods*
I remember driving home after spending the day together and feeling on top of the world. I had a loving partner, a solid job, and a mommy with huge potential. What could go wrong, right? Ha! I found out she wasn't being completely honest with me when she realized things were getting more serious. Like the mention of her having a boyfriend, hell yeah it complicated matters because I told her I refused to be apart of any "Cheating" game regardless of the fact we're not sexual. He deserves to know about us, simple as that. She didn't want to tell him though which left me with no choice but to end it. Before I could say it though, she said some cold things that made her feel like she dumped me before I could her.
Enter depression. I was driving home with Noname after a long session of night snowboarding and broke down in the car about me and her calling it quits. I didn't feel like the same person for awhile, like a huge piece of myself was missing once again. Once again, I swore off ever finding someone I could call mommy.
I was right about me not finding them, they found me. Not only that but it wasn't just any mommy. You remember the mom from about ten years ago? She'sssssssssssss back. I didn't believe it myself but thanks to Facebook she was able to find me. Just the fact that she even thought to look for me after all this time really blows my mind. Never in a million years did I ever think me and her would cross paths again but apparently I'm wrong. I not only accept that but I welcome it. This is hard for others to understand considering you're not me but I like to think of myself as a person who gives people the benefit of the doubt. I look back at all the shit I've been through and it's easy for me to go "yeah, that happens, I understand". A lie will always catch up with you and in the end you're only fooling yourself. I have no way of knowing if she's sincere about her stance with what she hopes to regain from me. I know she regrets a lot of things and I know how hard it is to live with a life of regret so if I can help her of that, I will.
What I do know is I really have nothing to lose here. She wants this. I want this. We're all older now as well. Mature. Stable. When you look back at something that happened over ten years ago and you still want it to be a reality even after all this time it must truly be important, not just to me but to all of us. Time will tell what comes of this in the meantime though ...an apology.
I'm sorry for not coming back on here to really vent out my troubles at the time. Embarrassed is the keyword as to why. I just didn't know to explain myself and another part of me didn't want to admit when I needed help. I hope you can forgive me and while you're at it try to forgive me FOR HOW DAMN LONG THIS IS! Oh snap son!
Thanks for your time.
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