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Thread: Seeking Help

  1. #1

    Exclamation Seeking Help

    Alright, without getting into a hugely detailed and unreadable mess, I need help with my mother. To begin, I initiated a total separation of contact with my mom a few years ago. I did this because she is an overbearing and manipulative person, and I no longer want her in my life.

    The culmination of all my years of frustration with her was when she came to visit me in Colorado for Thanksgiving. All we did was argue the whole time, and then she came down with one of her patented "ailments" that require her to have attention and doting paid to her, and that almost always seem to arise whenever she's unhappy with a given situation. This type of thing is not limited solely to situations regarding me, but also with her job and other family members. When I was still living at home she was once "sick" from work for an entire month and a half, and that is not an exaggeration. Anyway, I put up with it and then booted her ass home when her visit was complete.

    A few weeks later I up and moved to Texas to live with my Mommy who I'd been chatting with and talking on the phone with for months prior. Shortly after moving I was bombarded by emails, letters, phone calls, probably smoke signals, any and every possible means of contact by her all of which were extremely concerned in tone and many of which questioned whether I was still alive or not. I ignored all of these things and simply sent an email explaining that I was fine and that I would contact her when I wanted to, and not because she was harassing me.

    Flash forward to Christmas Eve where a uniformed police officer shows up at the door asking for me. He explains that my mother, who lives in California, called the station and asked for them to do a wellness check on me because she hadn't heard from me in a while and was concerned. I politely explained that my mother was insane and that I would deal with her, then I apologized and shut the door in his face as he was lecturing me about the importance of keeping in contact. The next day I wrote a very strongly worded letter explaining that I was done with her insanity and that I wanted nothing more to do with her...and the harassment stopped.

    It stopped until yesterday. Three years went by, and I heard not one word from my mother, and then yesterday I get an email from her on an email account I never gave her filled with Hallmark sentiments and quotes from "I'll Love You Forever, I'll Like You For Always." and proclamations that she's "accepting" of my AB lifestyle, oh and that she read my AB stories and thought they were good. *shudder*

    And that my friends is pretty much the long and veiny of it. I don't know what to do about this situation. I have some ideas, but none of them really seem to ring out that they'll solve anything. My ideas are as follows:

    1. I ignore her and wait till one of us is dead and the problem solves itself. (That sounds like an awful thing to say, but I feel it's pretty accurate)

    2. I reply with a very realistic portrayal of what she'd be witness to if we ever met again, meaning that she'd see her grown son potentially wearing a soiled diaper at some point. (Mommy would be with me no matter what the situation, so there wouldn't be any bio mom AB diaper changes...in case you were wondering.)

    3. I have Mommy reply to her in an email that resembled something a parent would send a friend in regards to their child. Baby pictures, cute stories, updates on goings on in the little ones life. (Like #2 I worry that rather than scare her off it would be that crack in the door she's looking for that she would happily take advantage of regardless of how undesirable the situation may actually be.)

    4. I nuke the site from orbit. It really is the only way to be sure that it's over. (In this one I reply with a mean spirited letter that basically tells her to leave me alone or I'll get a restraining order. My concern here is that the next thing I get in the mail is a letter saying that she killed herself, which she allegedly attempted, or that she died of a broken heart or some shit. I don't want that on my conscience.


    I am happier now than I have been at any other point in my adult life, and every time shit like this comes up it skews my whole life. I am at peace most of the time, and now I can't shut off my anger and resentment long enough to get to sleep. I am at my wits end with this woman, and I am, for the first and hopefully only time, pleading for someone to help me out. I've seen the compassion people have on this board, I've seen the wisdom people have on this board, and I've seen the wealth of combined life experience pool together to offer a path for those that find themselves lost in the dark forest of life. I humbly ask that if you have some insight that may help that you kick it my way. Thank you very much for your time.

    Knight

    P.S. Any attempts at humor in this post were made because that's just my way of dealing, please don't view any of it as me not taking the Mature Topics section seriously. Thank you again.

  2. #2

    Default

    DementiaKnight, I understand your situation all too well. You have figured out a lot of the reasons why you do not need this woman in your life. I have done the same thing with my mother. She is very much overbearing and manipulative, just like your mother.

    If I may suggest it, there is a book I read after dealing with all the crap from my mother called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. It describes in detail about the ways that parents like this manipulate and use words to try and hurt and control you. I would be willing to share a few things that I have seen and are covered in this book and I would almost be willing to bet that you may have seen much of this yourself.

    1. Life will be miserable if you aren't around her. Have you ever heard her say that "I can't have such-and-such day be happy if you're not there"? I know I have with my mother. But why is her happiness contingent on your actions? It shouldn't be. She should be able to live her life happily whether or not you are there, you do not need to be at every occasion or holiday just for her to be content. This is another way of manipulating you. Her 'dying from a broken heart' or killing herself is not something you should ever have on your conscience. Her life is not in your hands, it is in her own.

    2. You've been a disappointment to her, but she still loves you. Are you living as an adult out on your own, regardless of your life choices? I can see a parent being disappointed if you still live at home or require help paying rent and you're over the age of 30, maybe if you've become a serial killer, but with having a life of your own and people you care about? My mother to this day is disappointed I left a military academy when I was 18 because I hated the military. I paid my own way through college, and am a top engineer at a Fortune 500 company where I have pulled in over six figures for the last fifteen years. I own a house worth close to a million dollars, own all my vehicles outright, and have little to no debt. Yet I am a disappointment to this woman. The only reason I can figure that out is that I didn't follow the path that she wanted for me.

    3. She's had issues with the people you are around. I got married in college and have been with this woman now for over twenty years happily. I was told that my wife was 'from the wrong side of the tracks' and that 'I could do better'. She wondered why my wife never wanted to be around her and left to go anywhere else when mom visited once, and my mother wouldn't let that incident go, saying my wife was 'hurtful and low-class'. My mother is also the same one who left me a voice-mail threatening to sue me for every penny I had when I wouldn't let her have the kids for one of their birthdays, and she admonishes me for not leaving that behind and how I need to 'forgive and forget'.

    My mother told me (when I finally calmed down enough after the lawsuit threat to talk to the bitch) that she was 'sorry [she] ever gave birth to [me]'. That was pretty much the end for me. I had a small amount of contact with her after that where I tried to let her apologize for what she said, tell me it wasn't true, whatever. The only thing she ever said was that she was 'angry and upset' when she said that. She hasn't apologized, hasn't tried in any way to repair that damage. The coffin has been not just nailed, but bolted shut. My sister tried manipulating me when she got married to get my kids around mom without my wife or I around, I didn't allow it and ended up just not going to the wedding because it was so bad. At that wedding, my mother was talking to my step-mother (I love my step-mom to the ends of the world, BTW). Mom said how she would never 'grovel back to [me] on hands and knees'. Obviously, she could care less how I feel or how badly she has hurt me.

    I have not talked to my mother in seven years. I have never been happier, my marriage is wonderful. My father and my father's side of the family are great and I see them regularly (my parents divorced when I was 6). My wife has an excellent relationship with that side of the family and loves them dearly. My female birth-giver (I have a hard time referring to her as mother a lot, I have taken to referring to her by her name most of the time) is out of my life for now and I am not looking back.

    Feel free to PM me, we can talk about it as much as you want, I'll give you my private e-mail there if you like. I understand your pain.

  3. #3
    Cherub

    Default

    Wow, after reading both of those posts, I feel inadequate to give any suggestions or advice of any kind. But, I will attempt some nonetheless. I recently moved from Ohio to Wisconsin. I have had a rather strained relationship with my father while I was growing up. Without going into needless detail, he booted me out of his house when I was 6 months from my 18th birthday. He even signed papers to allow me to start another school in another city. A friend of mine took me under his wing and opened his home to me. I remained there for the next 6 years. First thing I did was graduate high school as valedictorian. When I lived at home my grades were D's and mostly F's. I was falling behind in school. The next school year (my new school) I had A's. I not only excelled in my studies, but I was able to get myself back academically. The picture the GPA showed was obvious to anyone who cared to see it. I left my parents home with ONLY the clothes out of my closet. Since then I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've spent the night under their roof.

    But, to get to the point of my post. One of the recent books I have read is called "the bait of satan" Now, before anyone goes jumping all over this post and proclaiming anything about religion, this book is ALL about overcoming the feelings of being hurt and about letting go of resentment. It has really helped me realize that I was basically carrying around a bunch of emotional poison that was affecting my life. Today, I feel I am much better. I still call my dad on the phone from time to time (although not as often as he's like me to), but it's a work in progress albeit slow.

  4. #4

    Default

    God Mother issues we have all been there seriously PM me as well I know all the old songs. Goes something like you are always to blame, its always your fault....you never appreciate the sacrifices she has made...and so on. Do what you can to develop your own support network apart from your mother, minimize contact and if necessary see what your options are for getting a restraining order.

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by DementiasKnight View Post
    Alright, without getting into a hugely detailed and unreadable mess, I need help with my mother. To begin, I initiated a total separation of contact with my mom a few years ago. I did this because she is an overbearing and manipulative person, and I no longer want her in my life.

    The culmination of all my years of frustration with her was when she came to visit me in Colorado for Thanksgiving. All we did was argue the whole time, and then she came down with one of her patented "ailments" that require her to have attention and doting paid to her, and that almost always seem to arise whenever she's unhappy with a given situation. This type of thing is not limited solely to situations regarding me, but also with her job and other family members. When I was still living at home she was once "sick" from work for an entire month and a half, and that is not an exaggeration. Anyway, I put up with it and then booted her ass home when her visit was complete.

    A few weeks later I up and moved to Texas to live with my Mommy who I'd been chatting with and talking on the phone with for months prior. Shortly after moving I was bombarded by emails, letters, phone calls, probably smoke signals, any and every possible means of contact by her all of which were extremely concerned in tone and many of which questioned whether I was still alive or not. I ignored all of these things and simply sent an email explaining that I was fine and that I would contact her when I wanted to, and not because she was harassing me.

    Flash forward to Christmas Eve where a uniformed police officer shows up at the door asking for me. He explains that my mother, who lives in California, called the station and asked for them to do a wellness check on me because she hadn't heard from me in a while and was concerned. I politely explained that my mother was insane and that I would deal with her, then I apologized and shut the door in his face as he was lecturing me about the importance of keeping in contact. The next day I wrote a very strongly worded letter explaining that I was done with her insanity and that I wanted nothing more to do with her...and the harassment stopped.

    It stopped until yesterday. Three years went by, and I heard not one word from my mother, and then yesterday I get an email from her on an email account I never gave her filled with Hallmark sentiments and quotes from "I'll Love You Forever, I'll Like You For Always." and proclamations that she's "accepting" of my AB lifestyle, oh and that she read my AB stories and thought they were good. *shudder*

    And that my friends is pretty much the long and veiny of it. I don't know what to do about this situation. I have some ideas, but none of them really seem to ring out that they'll solve anything. My ideas are as follows:

    1. I ignore her and wait till one of us is dead and the problem solves itself. (That sounds like an awful thing to say, but I feel it's pretty accurate)

    2. I reply with a very realistic portrayal of what she'd be witness to if we ever met again, meaning that she'd see her grown son potentially wearing a soiled diaper at some point. (Mommy would be with me no matter what the situation, so there wouldn't be any bio mom AB diaper changes...in case you were wondering.)

    3. I have Mommy reply to her in an email that resembled something a parent would send a friend in regards to their child. Baby pictures, cute stories, updates on goings on in the little ones life. (Like #2 I worry that rather than scare her off it would be that crack in the door she's looking for that she would happily take advantage of regardless of how undesirable the situation may actually be.)

    4. I nuke the site from orbit. It really is the only way to be sure that it's over. (In this one I reply with a mean spirited letter that basically tells her to leave me alone or I'll get a restraining order. My concern here is that the next thing I get in the mail is a letter saying that she killed herself, which she allegedly attempted, or that she died of a broken heart or some shit. I don't want that on my conscience.


    I am happier now than I have been at any other point in my adult life, and every time shit like this comes up it skews my whole life. I am at peace most of the time, and now I can't shut off my anger and resentment long enough to get to sleep. I am at my wits end with this woman, and I am, for the first and hopefully only time, pleading for someone to help me out. I've seen the compassion people have on this board, I've seen the wisdom people have on this board, and I've seen the wealth of combined life experience pool together to offer a path for those that find themselves lost in the dark forest of life. I humbly ask that if you have some insight that may help that you kick it my way. Thank you very much for your time.

    Knight

    P.S. Any attempts at humor in this post were made because that's just my way of dealing, please don't view any of it as me not taking the Mature Topics section seriously. Thank you again.
    Sad story. Iīve something similar, my mother sold me to the cops. From that time I broked all contacts. Which class of mother could do that ?

    She destroyed relation between me adn my sister and lot of things more. I live alone, my last GF played me dirty game, so I believe is better to be happy alone, than be sick of bad company (bad mothers included.) I havenīt any intereses to renew contact with my mother.

    So what ? Do your life, you arenīt alone

  6. #6

    Default

    Hey all, I want to thank you very much first of all for your compassion and for your help and support with this situation. I apologize for being away for so long, but I needed to handle this whole thing and it kind of took me out of the loop. That said, I come here before you all with...hopeful news. Vero (Mommy) went ahead and made a newsletter about our times as Mommy and baby complete with very cute little stories and pictures and things like that, and sent it to my mother.

    We got a reply yesterday that was very supportive and thankful, and it seems as though my mother has gotten it through her head that I'm fine where I am and do not need her as my mother anymore. Now, I'm not overly enthused about re-opening the lines of communication, but I am glad that my mother seems to have settled down.

    I'm going to write my mother an email today and lay out the ground rules for this whole thing so that we don't end up back where we started. I'm going to tell her that this whole thing is for her benefit and if any alarms start going off in my head about the situation I'm going to terminate contact. I'm going to be very clear with her that I don't need or want anything from her, and we're more acquaintances than anything else. Above all else, I need to make her aware that the son that she remembers is gone and that I am my own person now and email contact is her only place in my life at this point in time.

    Again, thank you all very much for your helpful words. I've got some books to read from the looks of it, and I'm sure those will help me through this situation as well. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your help.

    Knight

  7. #7

    Default

    YAY! I didn't even have to say anything!

    And FYI Knight, your life sounds EXACTLY like mine........ except my mom only found my ab stuff because she OVERHAUL CLEANED my room when I was 17 and found diapers, a binky, a bottle and a couple pictures of girls in diapers... My God....... I almost forgot I had all that stuff when I was that young.

    But YAY!~~

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