Hello once again fellow Adiscites. I haven't really been on much for the simple fact that I had no reason to be; I did not need any support with this side of me. Well, I'm back, with bigger problems than ever!
I am currently going out with someone I met on this site, Smeath. He lives in Tennessee, and is 16. He is IC as well, and is also AB/DL.
He is basically my baby, and I caretake for him in RP often. However, he cannot do so to me. The thing is, I want his to be as happy as possible, to be my baby and always have that special bond with me as his dada. I want to keep him safe forever and always.
But he can't do that for me, nor would I want him to. I want him to live his dream of being a happy little baby again, completely and fully, and I want to always be his dada.
However, I need that too. That's why I want to be his dada, because I know how it feels. Allow me to quote from ABDLdaddy:
“I feel warm, and vulnerable, and little …. I feel like I might float away, I feel like crying because I feel so open and little, and I feel like being cuddled and I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings but they feel nice, and I need my daddy, and I’m just trying to soothe all of these feeling rolling around inside as I let my daddy be my world, and the one I rely on to accept me and love me for who I am.”
I know why I am infantilist, because I never had a dad I could trust with my feelings, hell, he would cuss and nearly hit me with random objects every night I wet the bed. He's dead now too. I never had a mom I could really bond with without her using what I told her to manipulate me into being the father to my little brothers. My grandma? I ditsy drunk. My uncle, an selfish lying violent ass. The rest of my grandparents? Dead. My peers? What peers? My friends? All over the internet.
My boyfriend loves me, he is the only one who cares about me, but a relationship like this can only be good one way. Only one dada to fill the world of one baby. I do not want to leave him, oh god he has had so much bad in his life, he deserves a dada. He loves me and I love him. But... he can't do what I need, and he feels so bad for it.
Even if I got someone else as a dada, and was still his, it would not work. I want the role of child to fill my relationship, and I would expect dada to always be there for me. I want Smeath to be the child like that, with that special bond. I feel it is my responsibility now to be his dada, because I have many times promised to always be there and never leave him. I cannot be dada and baby at the same time. He cannot be dada. I want him to always be baby. I want to always be baby. I need to be baby at least sometimes. We both deserve to be baby.
The only way at all possible for these wants and needs is to either compromise or split up. The compromise would simply not work to develop that type of bond, it is one way, and that bond is all we have currently in the relationship.
Splitting up. He would be crushed. Devastated. He is so unstable, and after all I have said and promised! He wouldn't survive it. Not to mention how much I want to see him happy... and when he is sad... I'd rather be dead.
This is a horrible predicament I have gotten myself into. I have no idea what to do. Please help me.