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Thread: Awkward Dilemma

  1. #1

    Default Awkward Dilemma

    If there is any place that I can talk about this, it is here. I am currently the primary caregiver for my 57 year old father who has lost a leg due to diabetes. He can transfer to a wheelchair and back to his bed but cannot transfer to a toilet or commode. I cook all his meals, bathe him and help him use a bedpan(He says that he would rather die than wear a diaper) and clean him up afterward. I have no problem doing this and enjoy being there for him.

    My dilemma is that I am becoming ever increasingly jealous of him. I am doing for him what I have always desired done for me. I have never had a Mom(in this respect) or baby sitter take care of me. The most I have done is wear diapers alone and fantasize about having someone take care of me. I haven't been able to wear a diaper in two years(no privacy in my living conditions).

    My family obviously does not know about this part of me. I've only told two people about my desires and both are Pastors that I do not talk to anymore.

    I feel horrible about being jealous of something that my father has but does not want. He would much rather be able to use the toilet and is ashamed and grateful that I do this for him.

    Has anyone else been through a similar conflict of emotions and if so, how did you get through it?

  2. #2


    I've not been in a similar situation but, just wanted to tell you that you are truly a saint for doing this for your father. Where I live most people would just ship their parents/grandparents/whatever off to a nursing home and pay them to take care of them.

  3. #3


    Indeed it is admirable what you do.

    As for the conflict, well, try to get a little time for yourself too, sure your dad needs caring, but take care of your personal stuff sometimes.

  4. #4


    It is kind of you to devote so much of your life to caring for your father. And, I do not believe that you should feel any shame for wishing that you could have someone give you care as well. It's natural for anyone to feel that way. It's doubly-natural for some one who is ABDL to feel that way, especially in your situation.

    From what you've said here and in your intro, it seems that you try very hard to be a good person. And, you carry a lot of guilt that you shouldn't. You have the right and the duty to live your own life.

    As difficult as it may be, I think it's important that you find a way to get your life into better balance. Surely there is a way to meet your own needs, while still meeting the needs of your loved ones.

    I would not recommend telling people about your ABDL-ism, except on a need-to-know basis. Since you don't seem to be able to maintain much privacy, this might be a need-to-know situation.

    If your father is the kind of open-minded person who you can honestly talk to and who respects your right to make your own decisions, then I would carefully consider telling him. If he is not, then don't. And, don't consider telling him until you have come to terms with it yourself. Otherwise, you will have trouble coping if he begins berating you.

    Alternatively, you could try to meet your needs, while keeping things a secret. Even if your father would adamantly reject this sort of thing, he might turn a blind eye to it if you don't confront him with it. You might be surprised.

    If your father disagrees with your right to manage your ABDL needs, then I would remind him of the situation you are in. It's difficult for those of us with a strong conscious, but you really have to know how to stick up for yourself. It is your life.

  5. #5


    Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement, especially you Kitsbunny. I think I need to clarify something here. When I said there was no privacy in my living conditions, it is more in my mind than in actuality. There is a hallway leading to my bedroom that while my father's wheelchair can go down, he cannot enter my room or the bathroom because the doorways are too small. So he never uses it.

    The real problem is something that I have to confront, instead of making excuses. I have never worn a diaper while living with other people. I shared a room with my brother throughout my childhood and teenage years. My first time indulging was when I was 21. The opportunity was there because I was living in my own apartment and the means basically slapped me in the face. My brother had just moved out with his newborn and left a bag of donated diapers because they were way too large. I make-shifted them into something for comfort but not use because they were baby diapers and I needed to tape 3 together to fit my body.

    The other problem that I have is that I haven't worked in three years and have no money of my own. But when thinking about it, this is also more of a mental problem than a real one. My father would give me money for anything and not ask too many questions. The thing is, I always feel bad about taking his money for anything, even small things that are purely for myself.

    You don't know how helpful this is for me. By being open and honest with you, I am also being open and honest with myself. Thank you all again

    P.S. Kitsbunny, would it be alright if I added you as a friend when I figure out how to do that here?

  6. #6


    Quote Originally Posted by JackTheWriter View Post
    P.S. Kitsbunny, would it be alright if I added you as a friend when I figure out how to do that here?
    Already accepted. Thanks Jack.

  7. #7


    It sounds to me like you could use a break Jack, although perhaps that's stating the obvious!
    I've heard that the NHS, in the UK, provide assistance to caregivers so they can take breaks and with general day-to-day things. I also saw on a docu-soap earlier this week that they also make small modifications to people's homes to help with fall risks, wheelchair access and such.
    Does the US health care system have any equivalent to that you could call on perhaps? Or maybe even a charity that can help?

    While I've never been in a situation like yours, I can sympathise a bit. Last year I wound up going back to the UK for a week to help my Mum after she fell over and broke her leg, which was actually more serious than it sounds as she has quite bad osteoporosis, so even a small trip risks many broken bones.
    It was actually during time I'd taken off around my birthday, and while I was there she moaned constantly about every tiny little thing (it was always too hot or cold, of course) and was pretty demanding at times too.
    I was jealous of her at all (who'd want a broken leg?) but I rapid got fed up of it and was somewhat relived when her partner returned and I went home. That was only for a few days, so I can only imagine what it must be like full time!

  8. #8


    We have a wheelchair ramp and we are in the process of getting financial assistance for a new one since the city says the one I built with some friends and family is not up to code. Medicare has provided almost every piece of equipment imaginable, including a hospital bed, hoyer lift, commode, and shower seat. As for remodeling the bathroom for access, we rent a trailer which means we would have to get the owners permission or go through legal channels. However, the amount of floor space available doesn't really make this a viable option.

    As for a person to help me, every time he leaves the hospital they offer a home health care aide to come out 3 times a week but he always declines. I am not sure if I really want it myself. All they would do is clean the house for an hour(which half the mess is mine) and give him a sponge bath. Experience has shown that their attention to detail is lacking. On more than one occasion when I visit my father in the hospital he asks me to help him clean up because the RNAs have done such a poor job.

    I can leave him alone for a couple of hours at a time. Sometimes I go for long bike rides to relax. But working even a 4 hour shift would be too long away when factoring in transit. I do not drive so its either biking or bus. Anytime I bring up thinking about getting a job to help with the bills, he says that I already have a full time job. One thing I am looking into is getting an online education in nursing assistant for when I am no longer needed. This past year taking care of my father and the previous one as a house manager for a christian recovery home has shown me that I am very good at taking care of others and derive great joy in it.

    Kitsbunny hit the nail on the head when he said that I needed to find a way to get my life into a better balance. But when looking at my situation, Its not my father asking too much of me that is the problem. It's me not taking my own needs into consideration. I always look out for others and never for myself. I am now recognizing that and its time for me to take the steps necessary to change it.

    ---------- Post added 22-09-2011 at 07:20 ---------- Previous post was 16-09-2011 at 13:40 ----------

    Quick update. Once I straightened things out in my head I realized what a unique situation I was in. 90 percent of the stuff I needed I already had for my father. When he got a new mattress for his hospital bed, I took the old one and used it as a topper for my bed without realizing the benefits it would have in the future. Its very useful having a plastic covered hospital bed mattress for when you don't get the fit just perfect. We also have 7 or 8 cotton chucks and a pack of disposable chucks. I'm the one who does all the laundry so I don't think he'll notice that we are going through them quicker. When I got razor burn from shaving down there I used his desitin and said that I had jock itch from bike riding. I didn't like lying but desitin has such a strong odor that I needed a reason for using it. We also have wipes and baby powder around the house. So the only things I had to buy were the diapers and a pacifier.

    The only downside is that I am basically on call 24/7. Last night I waited for him to lay down before I padded up. Unfortunately, he was having stomach problems last night. When he called me in, I put on the baggy jeans I was wearing earlier and a tight belt to make sure they didn't slip down. I also reminded myself that even though I had already had my first wetting, there was no way that he would detect an odor in his room because he always leaves the lids off his urinals and try as I might I can never get the smell out of there.

    All in all, this seems to work for me for now. I'm just glad that I got the right advice here and pushed through the fear and anxiety instead of just commiserating what I was missing out.

  9. #9


    I read your post and regard you a saint.

    The incredible anxiety you experience will fade away in due time.

    I send you light and positivity and really respect what you do for your dad.

    I can almost guarantee you're going to heaven!

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