If there is any place that I can talk about this, it is here. I am currently the primary caregiver for my 57 year old father who has lost a leg due to diabetes. He can transfer to a wheelchair and back to his bed but cannot transfer to a toilet or commode. I cook all his meals, bathe him and help him use a bedpan(He says that he would rather die than wear a diaper) and clean him up afterward. I have no problem doing this and enjoy being there for him.
My dilemma is that I am becoming ever increasingly jealous of him. I am doing for him what I have always desired done for me. I have never had a Mom(in this respect) or baby sitter take care of me. The most I have done is wear diapers alone and fantasize about having someone take care of me. I haven't been able to wear a diaper in two years(no privacy in my living conditions).
My family obviously does not know about this part of me. I've only told two people about my desires and both are Pastors that I do not talk to anymore.
I feel horrible about being jealous of something that my father has but does not want. He would much rather be able to use the toilet and is ashamed and grateful that I do this for him.
Has anyone else been through a similar conflict of emotions and if so, how did you get through it?