So...life has gotten to be really stressful for me. I'm ridiculously busy and I'm getting overly tired. But long story short, I'm starting to crack under the pressure.
I'm really worried that I'm losing friends, because I get ignored, no one ever texts me, and if I text them, I don't get a response. It sounds kind of immature when I phrase it that way, but, I'm always the one asking to hang out, always the one having to make the effort, and I'm afraid that if I stop making so much effort in the relationship, there won't be any relationship at all. I'm just tired of putting so much into a friendship and getting nothing out of it, though.
I have so much homework I barely have time to pause and think, and no time to relax at all. I really miss my sister who lives 14 hours away at college and all my parents and I ever do is argue. I know I'm kind of ranting, but there's so much on my mind that this doesn't even begin to cover it.
And...I'm getting suicidal thoughts, again. Like, all the time. I don't know why, but sometimes it honestly feels like being dead would be so much easier than what I'm dealing with now. Now I know that's a huge warning sign and I should talk to someone about it, but the truth is, I don't know how.
I don't want to have to ask my parents if I can go back to therapy because I'll feel like I'm letting them down. They were always so pushy about me 'getting better' when I was being open about my depression to them, and I'm afraid that it'll end up being the same way. Them knowing about it created this huge dysfunction between us. We couldn't ever talk about it, we never talked about things in my life, and all we did was argue even more. Things are better now between me and them because they don't know how I feel right now.
I just don't know what to do. I want to get better, but I don't want to have to take the steps to get there, if that makes sense. I don't want my parents to worry about my progress or even worry about leaving me alone. I feel like if I really wanted to take my life, I'd do it and there'd be nothing that anyone could do about it. I don't want to lose my privacy over this and just...GAH.
I don't know what to do...any ideas?