NOTE: PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE THING BEFORE POSTING, BE TOUGHTFUL AND INSIGHTFUL AS POSSIBLE THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAS NO SIMPLE SOLUTION SUCH AS "lol dump your fiancee" OR DUMB POST LIKE THAT. Thank you.
I'll try to keep this as short as possible... but You need to learn where I'm coming from to understand my predicament.
When I was 15 I was sort of depressed, women left and right rejected me, I swear I tried to date a good 10 women and they all said no to the simplest of dates. Overall I just got really depressed and bummed and decided screw it focus on my life as is I don't need to find love now. Posted about it on some forum and said I'm essentially giving up on love. My fiancee comes along and says "Don't give up it'll bite you in the ass" complicated story ahead she and I grew to talk over that summer 5 years ago and essentially we grew to really like one another and by October of that year we where "dating" as in I really didn't want to bother with other women and she was the only one for me.
As our relationship grew we visited one another ever 6 months. As much as possible and what not, overall our relationship was great but my fiancee told me that if I needed to have a physical relationship or experience women or have dates and stuff that I could, it was an agreement we had, she told me I could and was allowed only until she moved down. Once she moved down we where mutually exclusive. I never took her up on that offer never felt the need to. Sure I had crushes with other women and what not but that wasn't anything concerning... overall everything was fine and dandy only had eyes for her for 5 years. Proposed last april (2010) and overall it was quite nice and everything was fine. We even had our wedding date set and everything.
Fast Forward to this summer, go out thinking la la la nothing can change la la la, low behold I seem to have grown this odd weird feelings for my best friend in DC. I was at an internship she and I where similar position and we bonded. We still talk to one another and we have admited that if it weren't for our significant others she would have tried something on me and I would have on her. As it stands we are atractted to one another but I have these odd feelings... I really do think I'm in love with her and I know that I deeply care about her and that I want her to be happy. As it stands It never occured to me that I could feel this way for another women.
These feelings fucked me up, big time, I felt like a huge hypocrit, questioning everything my marrige, everything. (it's not until now that I realized I was in love with her) Note I've not cheated on my fiancee with anyone I've only kissed her in my life. I've never had another GF she's my first and only one... but having these feelings for someone else have screwed with me to the point where I've officially postponed the wedding. Engagement is still on and I still want to spend my life with my fiancee my feelings for her have not dwindled...yet my feelings for my friend just keep getting a tad bit stronger. As it stands I'm in love with two women.
My decision is to remain with my fiancee because she's my fiancee and I still feel the same about her. Nothing has changed and I'm open and honest with all parties, so my friend knows how I feel, and My fiancee knows I'm in love (even before I realized it) So currently I still have everyones trust... I'm just in a giant tangled web.
Thanks to these feelings I've been curious as to how sure am I my fiancee is the one, I've only ever had one kiss and my feelings for my friend brought this to light, my fiancee told me she had these feelings before I proposed and told me that if I needed to sort it out get rid of the itch that it's ok, our relationship wasn't a normal one, it's not orthodox so treating it as such would be stupid. She has given me a free pass and even told me that I should kiss the friend that I'm in love with. I took her advice and proposed that to my friend, asked her if she would be willing and she didn't hesitate and said yes. We where going to do it this past Saturday but other events happened (medical for her) and well it just ruined the plans. As it stands me and her are uber close and she considers me her closest friend the one that knows her true self.
My decision is to just let her be free I don't see that I can make her happy but I have to satiate my curiosity and test my feelings for her, a kiss that my fiancee suggested. I know that this is one incredibly dangerous game and web I'm weaving. Back fire horribly, I don't want to get married and wonder what if I need to test this out. My friend agreed to kissing me I just have to find time to do it (she lives 2 hours away currently) and well... yeah despite all this our friendship is great and there is no awkwardness not really, I told her that I don't want a relationship with her not really and I want her to be happy. As it stands I love my fiancee much more in a very different way. Very different people... It's all very complicated but I seem to have a handle on things...
I just fucking wish I'd figure this out before I set a wedding date I feel like... such a hypocrite, I've deeply hurt my fiancee (not by falling in love with someone else by cancelling the wedding) and I feel like such a selfish dick. If the world worked my way, I'd have both of them. Marry both? XD Can't be that selfish now can I? Lately my relationship with my fiancee while great and wonderful has been filled with sadness, basically our future we thought we where going to have has been shattered thanks to my dumb heart and feelings and fears. I feel horrible for ruining all of it and so guilty that I cannot seem to enjoy diapers or regress with my mommy (fiancee) too damn guilty I can't get little... that worries me. I've made a mess of my life that has certain options.... I don't see myself dumping my fiancee, I love her too much for that, if I didn't I'd probably have dumped her ass by now. I'm just so conflicted, I never thought I could feel this way, not about two people... two women.... It's to the point where I hate myself, I'm angry at myself, How can I be so fucking idiotic stupid, such a dick head... me? Of all people the one who has always been morally upright resisting the urges to cheat on my fiancee with my friend in DC. Oh God how I hate myself.
Any advice or help appreciated? please be considerate and read all of this, don't post half assed things and don't tell me "you can't love two people" because truth be told, I can it's biologically possible and what not. Did my research it's fine and dandy.... and trust me I really do love them. I just want the best for all parties and I don't know what that is... I have an idea but this is a decision that can make or break lives ruin some and make others... and it's all my fault.
Thanks and I appreciate your replies and advice my friends.... Sorry if it seems like I've been a wreck or a mess lately... honestly I have been. I come to you guys because.... I honestly need as much third parties as possible...