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Thread: I'm now convinced I'm transgendered.....now I need some advice!

  1. #1

    Default I'm now convinced I'm transgendered.....now I need some advice!

    How do I tell my highly conservative and to be honest, homophobic family?

    My family come from working backgrounds on both sides, and so have grown up with very definite ideas that homosexuality and anything outside of getting married and having kids is immoral/wrong.

    I want to tell them in a way which means there isn't going to be a blazing row about the whole thing, yet with transsexuality being such a taboo issue even among the most liberal of people I really don't know how I'm going to tell them.

    And I also want to tell them before I get caught wearing men's clothes again.

    Any ideas?

  2. #2

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    Ok, so as long as you're sure that you are transgendered (from your recent posts/last thread you've seemed less than certain) I'd be glad to give advice and help in any way I can:

    1. You say you have very conservative parents, but are they deeply religious, becuase if they are, then that will make things harder, if even if it takes them a while to warm up to the idea, eventually their love for their child should allow them to accept it in the long run

    2. I suggest you see a specialist; maybe go to your GP to see if they can refer you to someone or see if the NHS has a psychiatric department which can help at least a small amount with this, as professional backing/backing of a doctor will likely sway your parents if they have any reservations or any ideas of this being a "phase" or anything of that ilk

    3. You can decide which of your parents is more liberal, and come out to them first, because if one of them knows and if you are close enough with them to tell them not to tell the other, then when the time comes to tell the more conservative parent, you already have someone to rely on. Because you are the only one who knows the true dynamic of your relationships between each of your parents only you can make the decision of who to tell and when to tell.

    I'd write more, but I'm in a rush - I'll hopefully come back and reply again later

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shredder92 View Post
    Ok, so as long as you're sure that you are transgendered (from your recent posts/last thread you've seemed less than certain) I'd be glad to give advice and help in any way I can:
    Since I last posted I've been doing a lot of thinking and more critically, I have spent that time acting, dressing and being a man, and I know now for certain it's who I'm meant to be. I've never been happier during this last month or so.



    1. You say you have very conservative parents, but are they deeply religious, becuase if they are, then that will make things harder, if even if it takes them a while to warm up to the idea, eventually their love for their child should allow them to accept it in the long run
    My family hold some Christian belief, as I once did, but how far this runs or how seriously they take it is something I don't know. Certainly in an instance like this I cannot say any way that they'll either react badly or well.



    2. I suggest you see a specialist; maybe go to your GP to see if they can refer you to someone or see if the NHS has a psychiatric department which can help at least a small amount with this, as professional backing/backing of a doctor will likely sway your parents if they have any reservations or any ideas of this being a "phase" or anything of that ilk
    I'm currently under a counsellor who deals with this sort of thing on a regular basis. WHilst she cannot actually authorise any sort of treatment, this counsellor can certainly liase with those who can do so.



    3. You can decide which of your parents is more liberal, and come out to them first, because if one of them knows and if you are close enough with them to tell them not to tell the other, then when the time comes to tell the more conservative parent, you already have someone to rely on. Because you are the only one who knows the true dynamic of your relationships between each of your parents only you can make the decision of who to tell and when to tell.

    I'd write more, but I'm in a rush - I'll hopefully come back and reply again later
    This is the idea I'm finding myself agreeing with, and to be fair, it's the only thing that I can think of. My problem now is finding myself a back-up plan if this goes wrong- worst case scenario is that I get kicked out and I've got nowhere else to go.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyBass View Post
    My problem now is finding myself a back-up plan if this goes wrong- worst case scenario is that I get kicked out and I've got nowhere else to go.
    As you are 24, you probably have some friends that you can look to to help support you for a couple of days if necessary if that worst case scenario does occur. If not, you might be able to find someone on here who is from near Durham who can help house you for a short while whilst you try to find a job/place to live.

    If those aren't options, maybe try grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc who may be more liberal and accepting (you'd be surprised that grandparents can be accepting of their grandchildren when the middle generation are not)

    If you want any more ideas I'd be happy to IM you at some stage, I'd hate to be in your position (unsure how my parents would feel - I'm half there seeing as I'm out to my mum about being bisexual but haven't told my dad because he's homophobic/bi-phobic) , but we must all play the cards we are dealt.

    All I can really say is good luck to you and I hope everything works out for the best for you.

  5. #5

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    I would 1+ you if I could, Shredder. // The best thing, in the long run, is to inform them of the lifestyle of homosexuals and transgenders. My mums female friend is a transgender, (m to f) and his parents figured that since he, is now a she, then that makes him(she) gay, being she was once male and now has romantic relations with males. If you perhaps educated them on the lives Transgenders, they may accept it, due to the fact that they were educated about the process, why people may do it, etcetera. I told my mom, (to protect my case some) that I was Bisexual. She thought it was due to depression/I wanted attention. I was at that time truly identifying as Homosexual, but recently and currently I'm feeling as if I'm Hr-A. I'm still trying to gather the courage to tell her that I have no interest in females. ANYWAY! Try to think it over and see how they feel about it first. Sneak into the subject, instead of just 'blurting it'. I wish you luck,

  6. #6

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    I think I would wait awhile on telling them until you are further along. Time will give you an advantage in knowing yourself a little better, and help you to be sure that this is what you want. I would tell the parents that there is a big difference between being transsexual and gay. Yes, you may be attracted to another woman, but as a man, not another woman. I also would try to make them understand that this isn't a whim. Nature has been incomplete in establishing your gender. When you think about it, your parents made you, genetically. Understanding this, they certainly can't blame you.

    I would also point out that no one is to blame, that it's just a turn in nature. The important thing is your happiness.

  7. #7

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    Unfortunately, there isn't easy way out of this. That's a brutal truth, I know...

    Pre-transition, I was even prepared to have my family to disown me if I come out. I wasn't certain my family will not accept me and all of that. I was wrong with that and I am very thankful that my family accepts me. Ok, not all the way perhaps, but close enough that they obviously still showing their love towards to me and still be there for me if I need them.

    Just assure them that you will be same person and same personality... just different gender and look. Again, it wouldn't be easy. Like what others had said, it's the best of you continue with the counselling and see how you feel later on. No rush there really. Also I would recommend you to find a friend to stay with or find other member of the family that you can count on to stay with, just in case you get kick out. It's the essence to keep a back up plan if your primary plan doesn't work.

    That's all I can say, and wish you nothing but good luck. Don't hesitate if you have any further questions since I was former transgender girl myself.

  8. #8

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    Cheers guys, you're all a big help! <3


    Thank you all!

    - Phillip

  9. #9

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    Hi BabyBass,
    are you completely sure you are TG and not TV, although I doubt your parents would be unlikely to distuinguish the difference. If you truly are Gender dysphoric do you intend going through with full transgender surgery? the reason I ask is that I used to be a Samaritan (the charity for suicidal people) and we used to get a few TG's coming in for support usually, when family and friends failed them. However at one of our annual confrences there was a special session on Tg's, both pre and post op mtf and ftm were invited as speakers and stayed on afterwards to answer any questions we had. I was amazed at the spectrum, although I guess as an AB I shouldn't have been, but one particulat ftm post op man really puzzeled me, and I wondered if it might be similar to your feelings.

    This guy had been through the psychiatris and psychologist, lived as a male for 3 years I think it was,. Pre surgery he had taken his hormones, which had been very effective, had I not know he was TG, I wouldn't have ben able to tell from outward appearances, he had a beard, his voice had dropped several tones and the speech therapy had allowed him to drop it even lower. But come to surgery he had his breasts removed and then stopped! So from the waist down he was still a biological female, which amongst other things meant he couldn't get his birth certificate or passport or driving licence changed, when he was asked about this, his reply was "that he wanted to be male but still be his daddy's little girl" Whilst I am not advocating this approach for you, I think that the idea of letting your parents know that whatever you look like on the outside, you will still be the girl they gave birth to and raised, you're still the same person they changed and fed and bathed, That the person they see in family photographs is still their. That you still have those memories and nothing is going to change that.

    Whatever decisions you take over the coming years will have a profound effect on your live and the lives of those that love you, I'm not going to tell you to think hardor long as you will have already spent years agonising over this. But I want to leave you with one last thing to think about and remember. If you go through the surgery and hormones and all the rest of it, na d become the male you want to be, you are going to have to help your family grieve for the daughter they feel they are losing, if they don't have that chance they may never come around to acceptance.
    Unfortunately grieving isn't something that is done and dusted in 6 weeks (like most of the stupid books say it should), adn it also goes through various stages. The stages that will be hardest on you, will be the denial and the anger, as all of that will be aimed at you. So sound out all your family, the more support you can have for post op the easier it will be for you and for your parents.. Someone mentioned grandparents. If you have any left, they can be surprisingly accepting and supportive, so talk to them, they may well surprise you.

    Whatever happens now and in the future, whatever decisions and actions you take, I hope that you get the peace and happiness that you seek whether as a female or as a male. Remember whatever happens that Adisc will be here and whilst not family there is a lot of support availbe for YOU if you ned it. Good luck and I hope everything turns out well.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by PCBaby View Post
    Hi BabyBass,

    *story*

    Whilst I am not advocating this approach for you, I think that the idea of letting your parents know that whatever you look like on the outside, you will still be the girl they gave birth to and raised, you're still the same person they changed and fed and bathed, That the person they see in family photographs is still their. That you still have those memories and nothing is going to change that.
    I know that I want to be male and indeed that I should have been born male, but for me the problem isn't that I still want to play that 'darling (grand)daughter, it's that I don't feel that the very people who are supposed to love me would ever accept the male me.

    The way I see it, my family are intelligent when it comes to factual stuff, but when it comes to stuff that actually involves emotion, they're backward and completely blind. In my case, it doesn't help I was raised by my conservative grandparents for the most post, with not just an age gap but a generational gap.

    Growing up, I was pretty much force-fed ideas on what and who I should be simply for the fact I was born female. Problem was that I felt increasingly alienated from any other girls I met, not because of anything superficial like tastes in TV/music/boys etc. but that I felt when I was within a female environment, like I was playing pretend, acting in a costume in a play. It was like living in a foreign country. And yet I couldn't do a single thing about it.

    So I guess the problem lies very much on the side of my family, not me. I'd happily undergo the surgery and hormones tomorrow without a flicker of a doubt, and indeed plan to do so, simply because for me the male me IS the real version of me. But what I do fear is that my family, with its preconceptions and sacrosanct ideas on gender and gender role, are going to react badly, either putting me physically in danger or at best, hurting me psychologically and emotionally.



    Whatever decisions you take over the coming years will have a profound effect on your live and the lives of those that love you, I'm not going to tell you to think hardor long as you will have already spent years agonising over this. But I want to leave you with one last thing to think about and remember. If you go through the surgery and hormones and all the rest of it, na d become the male you want to be, you are going to have to help your family grieve for the daughter they feel they are losing, if they don't have that chance they may never come around to acceptance.
    I know that the whole thing is going to be hard, but I feel that they're simply seeing something that was not there in the first place, and mourning something that was merely their own wishes imposed on me to make a square peg fit a round hole. I never felt like a daughter to them and to me, any sort of mourning over a loss is pure make-believe.

    And the sad part is that they'll likely never understand this.



    Unfortunately grieving isn't something that is done and dusted in 6 weeks (like most of the stupid books say it should), adn it also goes through various stages. The stages that will be hardest on you, will be the denial and the anger, as all of that will be aimed at you. So sound out all your family, the more support you can have for post op the easier it will be for you and for your parents.. Someone mentioned grandparents. If you have any left, they can be surprisingly accepting and supportive, so talk to them, they may well surprise you.
    I happen to live with my grandparents, and they are actually the people I'm most dreading telling. Partially because they both happen to be fairly religious, which doesn't help.



    Whatever happens now and in the future, whatever decisions and actions you take, I hope that you get the peace and happiness that you seek whether as a female or as a male. Remember whatever happens that Adisc will be here and whilst not family there is a lot of support availbe for YOU if you ned it. Good luck and I hope everything turns out well.
    Thank you and thank you for taking time to type this long post. It is greatly helpful.

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