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Thread: My greatest battle.....Guilt and acceptance.

  1. #1

    Default My greatest battle.....Guilt and acceptance.

    Hello everyone.

    I thought i would share what has happened to me over the last 5 months.

    I have loved diapers since i was 5 and my earliest thoughts of diapers go back as far as 2-3 years of age.
    This has been a part of me for so long i would have thought that it is an easy process........

    My wife celebrated her birthday and as another gift i told her i would take her camping.
    Unfortunately i had a terrible case of diarrhea and i wanted to cancel the trip altogether until i realized this was a great opportunity to try and incorporate my life-long fantasy of being able to were a diaper as this was definitely required because toilets were quite a distance from our tent.

    We ended up going camping and purchased Tena pull-ups at a supermarket along with all the camping supplies.

    Once we arrived my wife encouraged me to use them and go in them if needed but i must admit i really wasn't ready to deal with clean ups so i used them as a urinal as i drank alot of fluids.

    The instant i put on the garment(my special word for diaper),i had the most powerful erection of my life that must have lasted at least 8 or more hours.
    I couldn't sleep i was so fulfilled and happy not that my wife doesn't satisfy me as well,but not to this extent.

    At the fire i admitted that i love these garments so much that i would like to wear them more often and she had absolutely no problem with it.
    This was like a dream come true to me as my wife and girlfriend of 11 years made this decision in an instant and has since stuck by it through the shakiest 5 months of my life.
    We made rules though because i didn't want this to get out of hand due to it being so comfortable and pleasurable.

    Unfortunately paranoia crept it every day since and i suffered incredible anxiety with panic attacks and a terrible bout of manic depression.
    This was the trigger but not the cause in my opinion....

    I spent hours researching this fetish and must admit i really do not like the reputation the ABDL community has.
    A Google search shows horror stories of people with a diaper fetish doing things that made me cry for days.

    You see my self esteem was so low the last thing i should have been doing was researching as it obliviously made my condition worse.

    I had rapid cycling so bad i had four seasons in a day and it wasn't until i turned to God and Omega 3 that i started feeling better.

    I went to a GP twice and was given anxiey and depression meds which did not take away the incredibly negative thought process my mind had imprisoned me with....
    Things like people will think im a pedophile or a psycho because i love diapers.

    This country is incredibly hard on people that are different, yet i have always loved that about myself and my mind was so bad i cried every day until gradually it went away,which was weird because i have not cried in 7 years since this year.

    I went to a psychologist who didn't see anything wrong with me wearing them but my own mind was so confused that her opinion didn't help much.

    You do not know me but i am a very sensitive good person who would give the shirt off my back to help somebody.
    I also come from a good home with loving parents so its not that anything truly bad had happened to me either.
    However i have always had anxiety and was highly strung being unable to really relax and be at peace.
    I was anemic as a child and was victim to some emotional abuse by cruel kids at the school i attended and have had panic attacks in the past.

    Last year my eyelids twitched alot and i suffered from a leaking problem(if you know what i mean.) and i seem to think that my condition started to surface before this incident as for the last 5 months has resembled either Bipolar of an overactive thyroid.

    I will not know until September 14 as i will be going for a series of tests,but i still reckon that initial erection definitely caused a chemical imbalance and the only drugs i have every used in my life are cigarettes and the odd beer or 2 along with coffee and love

    The wait is unbearable and it may seem that the diapers are bad for me but through this time i have done the most incredible things.

    I have helped everybody i know by doing good deeds and started to paint a dream i had when i was 5 about these garments.

    Its probably the best painting i have ever done and people can see a far more positive and contributing citizen.

    I spend way more time with my wife and we really are alot closer then we were but i still feel guilty about this because i had no idea how much my body yearned for these garments.

    I really do not want diapers to allow me to feel guilty(which it never has when i thought about it in the past)and have the most loving and open minded wife in the world.
    I do need to be disciplined though as i recently got hold of tena flex diapers and i consider them to be my favorite,but im still new to this....
    I have tried others and there are many Chinese supermarkets which stock the plastic backed diapers(diaper paradise) but i feel to ashamed to have them crinkle in the presence of my wife.
    I also feel bad wearing them without her knowing i have never been more open and honest with her in all my life.

    I have been going to pharmacies and buying them with a meal replacement drink to throw them off as it is embarrassing to buy diapers.

    The ironic thing is i am moderately incontinent(before i drank water), as i never drank water due to the bland taste and my job does not always allow access to toilets so i used to dehydrate a hell of alot.
    Now im suppose to drink 6 glasses a day which make diapers even more a necessity as i leak after i have gone to the bathroom.

    I really would love your support and opinions on this as diagnosing yourself is very difficult.
    Over the months i did the binge and purge cycle but it only made matters worse as this has been ingrained into me as long as i have lived.

    I need acceptance and peace but its hard when you feel all alone on this and society is so harsh on people with this fetish( Which i think is the wrong word since i had this before i knew what sex was).
    I would also like to be a father one day so this is a challenging time for me turning 30 very soon.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this and may God bless all of you who have gone through anything similar as this was the hardest thing that i have ever had to deal with.

    Regards SouthAfrican DL.

  2. #2


    Of course the public judges DLs... because we're different. Everyone get's judged nowadays because everyone is different. So don't be ashamed of being who you are, be proud. Even a licensed therapist told you that there is nothing wrong with having your own thing. Even your wife said there is nothing wrong with it.

    You are not a bad person. You are not a pedophile unless you decide that you are one (and I hope you don't). Having a fetish for wearing and using diapers does not automatically make you one of those horrible people you read about. People are individuals, they are not defined by the groups they belong to.

    Everyone here accepts you. Your wife loves you and accepts you. Don't let anonymous haters run your life, be who you are. You only have 1 life, don't waste it trying to conform to "normal". Especially when everyone loves you just the way you are.

  3. #3


    Hi, and a warm welcome,

    I'm most interested to hear what you say about the difficulty of your situation in South Africa. Given your country's recent history, it's perhaps time for people to begin to understand that the Rainbow Nation isn't just about the colour of people's skin: it's as much about whether you are man or woman, gay, straight, city dweller or country boy.

    (Mind you, there are people who do stand up for the rest - Pieter-Dirk Uys, for one)

    I can empathise with your background: I too came from a loving home (albeit one where there were firm boundaries, considerably more so than most of the kids I grew up with). I'm not (as far as I know) bipolar, but I do think that I'm fringe autistic - and that is something that reputedly isn't uncommon in ABs. I find it hard to read what other people are thinking, and people find it hard to read me - so I tend to have a fairly small social circle. Inside that circle the barriers come down a very long way: outside, they stay up. That doesn't exactly help with the management of self-esteem...

    I have to say also that self-esteem problems have also not always been helped by my religion. God isn't a problem: the problem is that one indivisible part of my faith is church, and there have been many church members who have (most often accidentally, but now and then deliberately) sabotaged my sense of being a valued and much loved child of God. It has taken a long time to get to a point where I feel able to mentally brush that stuff off and say: I am an AB: thank you God who made me so. But with the help of a number of people along the way, I have reached that point.

    I think I can speak for everyone here in saying we would all like to see you reach that point as well. It will take time, there will be setbacks, it will not be easy- but we will be here to listen and to offer what guidance we can. The fact you have a wife who supports you is in itself an enormous step forward - many of us have partners who are outright hostile.



  4. #4


    @Catperson and Artie.
    Its so nice to hear from people who are into the same thing and have found acceptance.
    I guess its still a fresh event and the fact that i denied this so long i almost tried to forget.

    I can tell from your responses that you both seem like very intelligent,and genuinely nice people.

    Perhaps Cape Town is one of the better places to have this because we do have all types here too.

    What bugs me is that judgmental persons will tar people like us with a criminal brush even though this is an innocent and private thing .
    As for Pedophiles i don't think its wrong to say that i despise them as what they do is against the law and is flat out wrong.
    So in that sense i can consider myself lucky.
    Its just those who don't know what being ABDL is would jump the gun on us and think the worst....
    I can honestly say i feel more 'free' and in a better position to heal now as my lifestyle prior to these 5 months were filled with me being a incredibly anxious and materialistic person who was never happy unless i had the best and newest gadgets.

    Which is fine if it makes you happy but ultimately didn't in my case.

    It was like living a lie....

    So thanks again for your very warm and positive responses,the only thing im worried about now is my diagnosis come September 14.

  5. #5


    Guilt and acceptance.

    Those are two big entities that everyone has to battle with. *shrugs*

    Good luck to you because you're going to need it.

  6. #6


    Quote Originally Posted by SouthAfricandl View Post
    the only thing im worried about now is my diagnosis come September 14.
    How did it go?

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by BabyArtie View Post
    How did it go?
    Thanks for the reminder.

    I have recovered fully from my depression and did go on 14 September to a Psychiatrist.

    At this point my wife insisted she come along.

    I sat there anxious and nervous, feeling that that im about to be judged and embarrassed by this desire, so we go in...

    The Doctor asked me some questions and got to know me and we actually had a great conversation,then i told him hesitantly what triggered it.

    I told him the truth and he didn't even bat an eyelid!

    I explained again to try and get a reaction and i mentioned how worried i was to be judged for this when it brings me such comfort and is arousing yet he still had no problem with it.

    I even played devils advocate and said this is not normal behavior for a man to which he relied there is no such thing.

    I explained about my leaking problem and that i have liked diapers even before the leak started and that the two are not related at least on a conscious level.

    He felt it makes even more sense why i would like them even more as i turned 30.

    He wasn't in the slightest bit worried he told me i was a highly intelligent, articulate man and that we make an excellent couple.

    He then turned to my wife and explained why i would find this arousing giving my circumstances as a man, and that i was far too hard on myself.

    The P-doc recommended i wear once a week(he thinks they are very expensive),so i use one every week which i feel is fair as i could use it 3 days as i only use it to ease my leak.

    He concluded that im normal and he is worried why im beating myself up about this so hard because i mentioned i was worried about being a father and having a fetish.

    My wife and i smiled at each other as we left because he was 'a little out there', in terms of his technique.

    Not that im judging, im a little relieved that it went so well if only he could let me get a word in once in a while and allow me to explain myself better.

    All of the nervousness for nothing,however when i go back tomorrow, i will now insist on tests because my GP told me that they would test me for an underlying condition.

    I still feel there is something physically at play here as i was prone to panic attacks when i was younger and i have always had incredible anxiety yet was an incredibly happy person.

    My eyelids twitch alot and i do occasionally get night sweats and leg cramps,but mentally im not manic depressive anymore.

    I must admit that Church has helped me alot through depression and it being a Baptist congregation i feel wearing a diaper is myself on an unconscious level wanting to be born again without worry or stress,as that is where my euphoria stems from.

    I do not accept the bibles take on homosexuality though!

    Who are we to judge?......

    I still wonder why this all happened?

    Feeling guilty is normal when you realize hard truths about yourself,but the euphoria of the first nappy i tried really did a number on my hormones,in that i when on a roller-coaster ride of paranoia,guilt and pleasure which has subsided alot now that im used to it.

    Will this guilt ever end?

    Could this be a thyroid disorder?

    Or still potentially Bi-Polar?

    I thought of something very profound today as i think of myself as a DL....

    Being unique is a blessing and a curse in that you're innovative yet alone.

    SCORES SO FAR.....

    Psychologist on my dl fetish: encouraging and for it.

    Psychiatrist on dl: encouraging and for it!

    Bapist priest on dl:???

    I must admit though the bible and my religion has nothing against wearing diapers as long as you don't have to wear them to enjoy lovemaking.
    In that sense its not exactly a fetish or a hindering one at that.

    I will update on this saga as i feel it would help somebody else who ever experience the ordeal i went through over the last few months.

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