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Thread: Transgender "doubts"? x

  1. #1

    Default Transgender "doubts"? x

    Okay... Let me start this off by introducing myself. (I'm finding it very hard to understand the feelings myself, so apologies if I take some time easing into explaining them...) My name - at least, my preferred one - is Dana. I'm 16, and I'm a transgender living in the United Kingdom.
    I have felt "different" all of my life; a feeling that my family has pinned on alleged Aspergers syndrome or general hatred of being social. Neither of those are true.
    For a while now, the feelings of being different have accumulated into thoughts that I may be transgender. When I think about being a girl, it feels.... right. Imagining myself as a girl, I see myself dressed nice and generally looking attractive/cute, and being able to be as sweet and kind as I feel inside without other males taking it the wrong way.... Well, actually, other TYPES of males would still take it the wrong way but... you get what I mean.
    These feelings have lasted for over a year now. From day one, my mother and stepfather have been rather skeptic of the idea, claiming that I just needed to find a nice girlfriend and "do her" in order to see how wonderful being a straight male could be. They drilled this idea into me daily, sometimes several times daily and a few times even while friends were over. My parents have said they never want me to date a boy.
    Well, the thing is... lately... I've had these feelings that they might be right. That... I might be better off as a boy after all. That less people would hate me, less people would think I'm disgusting, less friends would leave me... That I'd generally be a nicer, better person were I to stay as a boy. But these feelings.... They sicken me, as much as they convince me. I don't want to be a boy, but at the same time some part of my mind keeps telling me I do.
    When I think of myself, my REAL self I keep locked away, I imagine her as a girl, dressed in pretty dresses and with nice wavy hair. But at the same time... That feeling feels wrong now, although right at the same time, whereas it used to fill me with a warm feeling to think of being like that.
    Sexually, my thoughts have warped slightly too... Before, I wouldn't dream of going anywhere near a girl. Yet now, I'm even thinking I might be bi, and that dating a girl might be better than dating a boy. And at the same time, the thought of doing anything with a girl disgusts me thoroughly... ( Don't worry though, I'm not saying it's bad for anyone else, just for me x )
    In terms of sexual feelings, I... I'm not even sure there, either. Sexually, at times I see myself as a gay male and at other times a straight female, but for some reason I have lately felt it difficult to imagine either without the involvement of me having a penis. >.<

    To get to the point... I /want/ to be a girl, and yet at times (MUCH moreso when I'm, uh... "aroused" :/) I want to be a gay male, or at best a pre-op transgender. >.<
    Could these feelings be from it being drilled into me for a year or so that being a girl would be bad in every way and I'd disgust and disappoint my family by doing so, or are these feelings ones of my own that have been locked away?
    The bottom line, for me, is that I /want/ to be a girl, at least in appearance, but for some reason that last nagging piece of my mind and/or libido seems to want to cling on to me keeping the more male aspects of my appearance >.<
    I really wasn't sure who to go to with this... My stepdad would be no help, my mum would think it's a MIRACLE I'm not entirely set on fully being a girl, and my dad would probably not be of too straight a mind right now to help anyway.

  2. #2



    It sounds like you don't know quite what you want, and that's okay.

    I would certainly not "do" any girls or boys just to see which you prefer; unless you both go into the arrangement like this--a "sex-only, no love or emotions" thing--then there will be hurt.

    Look, people will always find reason to dislike or ignore you; this is how the world works. If not for this reason, then for another, it's all quite arbitrary. The trick is to find people who love you for you and deal with you within the scope of who and what you are. We call these people "friends." I'd not let fear of people being "disgusted" or somehow "let down" get in the way of you living your life. Who you are, and how you want to interact with the world and its people, is an important thing to nail down. Letting others dictate how you go about doing this is artificial at best, and probably ultimately damaging unless you get really lucky.

  3. #3


    Ok, well, first of all I think it's best not to discuss this with your Mum. Not in a 'hurrdurr let's keep secrets!' way, not because I don't feel she deserves to know what's going on in your life, but because I think (and I think you think this, too), that she wouldn't be there to listen with a non-judgmental ear to help you figure out what this means. From her past actions, it seems like she'd be more likely to cling to and re-inforce this doubt, no matter what your opinion is later.

    Secondly...relax, hun. You are YOUNG. You have LOTS of time to figure this out. During transition you'll have LOADS of counselling sessions, private ones, where you can talk about your gender issues. You obviously have some form of gender dysphoria, and a gender therapist's JOB is to help you through that. So, relax hun. Doubts and fears are normal, and maybe it'll take you some time to work this all out, but that's ok. You're not going to sprout breasts and grow a vagina overnight, hun. You are in control of what happens to your body, you are in control of how you express your gender. If you choose to hide under layers of thick, boyish clothes, well, that's your choice. If you hold off on transition and live your life out as 'Eric Brown' with a wife and kids, that's YOUR CHOICE. If you dive into transition and live as a bubbly, curvaceous cutie who wants to find a nice guy and settle down, that is YOUR CHOICE.

    And these are not choices you need to make now; they're choices you'll make when you're older. And you can change those choices if you get too far in and decide maybe it's not for you. You're not committing to anything at all right now, so relax, and take the time to figure this stuff out.

    Thirdly and finally, what we like in the bedroom doesn't have to have a bearing on what we like in 'real life'. For instance...I'm a lesbian. I define myself that way. That label feels right for me, because I love women, I love their company, and I can't imagine wanting to have a long term romantic relationship with a boy. Girls are my eye-candy, they're who I get my real crushes on, who make me blush an' turn into a silly, mumbling idiot. I could only ever give my heart to a girl, in that way at least.

    So why does my profile say 'bi'? Because, sexually I like men. All my fantasies are heterosexual. I /cannot/ get off to lesbian porn, despite identifying as a lesbian. If I'm in a dominant fantasy, I'm seeing myself as male. Do I want to be male? Do I want people to call me 'Chuck' and 'sir' and 'he'? No!...I'm happy being a girl, but for whatever reason, only heterosexual intercourse turns me on. In all other walks of life I'm a pretty girl who happens to like other girls. It's only in the bedroom that I'm interested in males, or being one (well, admittedly I sometimes like to 'play' as a boy, but that's because it's fun and different, and boys are afforded different privileges, have a different experience of childhood, than's ok to like some parts of being a boy, it doesn't MAKE you a boy).

    Similarly (and a little squickily, sorry pup...), I have rape and ageplay fantasies. But if anyone tried to rape me IRL I would cry and be just as (maybe MORE) traumatised as any other girl, and usually when I feel 'little' someone turning that innocent play sexual would be the most horrifying thing I can imagine. So, again, what I want in the bedroom is NOT what I 'actually' want.

    Perhaps the reason you fantasize about being male instead of female during your sexitimes is because you are still physically a male; it's hard to imagine having parts that you don't have. How can you 'feel' your boobs being groped when you don't have any? It would take a lot of work to imagine all the different sensations that come with being in the body of a different sex, and when we fap, we don't want to do a lot of work. Mostly, we want to settle into our comfortable old fantasies, wank, and get off.

    Or maybe there's another reason. Maybe subconciously you feel a connection to gay sex (like I do with hetero sex), or maybe you (subconciously, again) enjoy the taboo, or maybe you just have self-confidence issues about being perceived as a girl, especially in the bedroom, so you 'give in' and see yourself as a boy. There are hundreds of reasons you could feel this way, hun, but honestly I don't think any of them mean you're 'not really' transgendered.

  4. #4


    h3g3l is spot on, but to add to what he says, at your age everyone is confused about who they are to some extent or another. Everyone's trying on different personalities, basically, just to see which fits best, which is why teenagers end up changing their appearance so much. Also remember that at the same age, people are much less forgiving of people's differences (probably as a reaction to their own uncertainty about themselves - "I don't know who I am, so to make myself feel better I'll make fun of everyone else" - we've all been there to some extent or another). Give it five years and, while those arseholes still exist, their numbers are much smaller.

    Find friends who love you for *you*, no matter what, and try to ignore the rest.

    Unfortunately, parents are a little trickier. The vast majority want the best for you, no matter what it may outwardly seem, however they will have different ideas of what the "best" for you actually is. I was lucky in that my mother was always very liberal and, unless I was actively getting into trouble, she has never complained (I've spent a total of maybe half an hour with my father in the past nineteen years, so his opinion bothers me not-at-all). She's perfectly happy with me being furry, dating boys, and would probably not mind about the DL thing, either. As I say, however, I'm quite lucky there. Many parents have a very conservative view of "the best for their kids", and fear that if they aren't "normal" they will have a very difficult life, so they try to mould their kids into society's norms. Fifty years ago, maybe they would have been right, but today's world is, generally speaking, much more liberal with these things. Same-sex relationships are only openly frowned upon by a very small fraction of (western, not southern-US) society, and other "oddities" are similarly accepted. Thus I feel that many parents are trying to raise their kids for a world that doesn't exist any more.

    Hard as it may be, try to ignore your parents' insistence and focus solely on what will make *you* happy rather than them. As long as you aren't doing anything seriously anti-social or seriously illegal, you'll be fine.

    And you know that you have friends who love you, right?

    And yeah, if you wanna go and "do" a girl or a boy, there's no harm in experimenting as long as both parties are fully aware of what it is and is not. If you don't want to do that, don't. It's entirely up to you If you end up only liking sex with girls, or only liking sex with boys, or liking sex with both, or even liking sex with neither, it really doesn't matter. All are perfectly acceptable options, and "real" friends really won't care.

    I would definitely suggest that you at least get the puberty-delaying drugs as soon as you can. Having doubts is fine, but those drugs will leave your options open and, if you decide to go through with full MtF transitioning, the result will be a lot better than if you'd delayed and not bothered starting until you're in your 20s when puberty has pretty much finished ("end of puberty" in males is generally given as 21, but, of course, most of the changes you want to reverse happen much sooner). Conversely, if you change your mind and decide to stay as a guy, you can still do so and just go through puberty a little later. Again, no one will really care, and anyone who does can just go to hell because you don't need them

    *hugs tightly* Remember that you have plenty of people who are here for you!

  5. #5


    I hate to sound like I'm taking Your parents side, (I'm not they sound like class A douche-bags.) But have you had any testing to see if you do have Aspergars? Like have you seen a shrink and they say "You might be mildly Autistic." (parafrasing)

  6. #6


    I too have my doubts from time to time, I guess I am confused as well. There are many times when I feel My life would be better as a girl, I just know that i`m not into men. I have confused parents as well they want us to be normal, but we are being normal this is who we are, this is what we want if people can`t accept that then they should either try to learn more before judging, or just say this makes me uncomfortable, I have to go. All of my little problems were really confusing for my parents as well, I was sent to several institutes and never got a straight answer until I came here and found out more about myself than any shrink had told me. I hope you have success in your future we all deserve it.

  7. #7


    Hello =) I had similar issues back in my day as well. I knew I just wanted to 'be cute' and knew I found girls to be far cuter. I grew up with parents that did not understand (despite being great people) and so they gently kept urging me to be 'normal'. It didn't work =D I kept buying things like carousel pony figures, I just made sure they were blue/white instead of pink/purple. When I could finally buy my own clothes, I tried to get as cute as possible boy clothing. My parents eventually grew to be content regardless. I'm in agreement with most of the above, parents are from a different generation and have their own ideas of what is 'right'. There's a large movement (again, like there was 20 years ago) of letting kids explore their own gender identification instead of being forced to fill the stereotype for their own sex. Hopefully this is making it easy for your friends to accept you.

    Regarding intercourse; I don't think I can help. I knew I didn't want to ever penetrate anyone (male or female) but also really didn't find males to be very attractive. I again agree with most everyone above in that you have PLENTY of time to sort it out and there's no reason to rush it, but perhaps there's no worry about experimenting. I didn't experiment until I was in my late 20s and I think that's one reason I wound up with a relatively low interest in either men or women all through life.

    Good luck! Hope this helps =)

  8. #8


    Since everyone else has already given such wonderful replies, I'll spare you a long spiel about how sexuality and gender intertwine in an elegant and baffling way, or about how you're young have oodles of time to figure this stuff out, or about how screwing people to figure out your orientation is bad idea. But I do have this to add: sometimes gender isn't static. Mine is fluid. Some people like to think of themselves as men on some occasions and as women on others, and it's not at all unheard of to feel different when you're sexually aroused than you do when you not -- even when it comes to gender.

    Regarding the transitioning process, you can be non-op and still be trans, too. Maybe you'll want to hold on to your man bits for the bedroom and dress en femme the rest of the time. You can also do hormone therapy without getting SRS, that way your body will feminize but you'll still have your male genitals. But again, you have plenty of time to figure that stuff out, and with a good therapist you should have plenty of guidance in that. Just remember to leave the advice-giving to other transpeople, trans aware people, and gender therapists. People who don't really understand what is to be transgender are bound to give you wonky advice.

  9. #9


    It sounds like you're just being pressured by the expectations of others. Though I have yet to tell my family, sometimes I feel similar (not quite in every way you mentioned though) to the feelings you described, but I know the feelings are pretty much false. It's just... a defense mechanism in my mind, or something. And fears that there may be too many "tells" if I do finally transition... to cause people to not accept me as a girl/woman.
    Last edited by ShippoFox; 29-Aug-2011 at 13:04.

  10. #10


    Just to re-iterate. You're still young your thoughts and feelings will stray from what you previously thought for various reasons. If I look back 3-4 years ago, on how I saw myself sexually, how I felt with my AD feelings and how I felt about myself and others are different for what they are today. And I would never of been able to see myself head in that direction. And when I reach 25, I will probably see another shift, But not as great as it had been previously, as you find where you, and who you are over the many many years. There is no rush, being unsure is all natural. But you'll pick the things you're comfortable with and not as time goes by. Getting to your mid twenties may seem far away from today and no one wants to grow up, but that time will fly by. Time doesn't stop for anyone,

    As with the friends being mentioned, you have a number of people you can reach out to, who accept you for who you are. And don't care if your thoughts/feelings change about being a TG, who you like to sleep with or how you want to dress up. they've all been there, they understand and will help support you, and find your own way. Rather than mold you into what they see an ideal person as.

    You're friends will always remain to be you're friends as much as you feel you're changing and swinging between places, you won't really change from the friendly warm person that we all know. There is some things that don't change about people, and their attitudes to how they deal with themselves and others is one. Given your present circumstances, I'm very impressed you've bounced back onto your feet every time an unforeseeable event occurs.

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