Okay... Let me start this off by introducing myself. (I'm finding it very hard to understand the feelings myself, so apologies if I take some time easing into explaining them...) My name - at least, my preferred one - is Dana. I'm 16, and I'm a transgender living in the United Kingdom.
I have felt "different" all of my life; a feeling that my family has pinned on alleged Aspergers syndrome or general hatred of being social. Neither of those are true.
For a while now, the feelings of being different have accumulated into thoughts that I may be transgender. When I think about being a girl, it feels.... right. Imagining myself as a girl, I see myself dressed nice and generally looking attractive/cute, and being able to be as sweet and kind as I feel inside without other males taking it the wrong way.... Well, actually, other TYPES of males would still take it the wrong way but... you get what I mean.
These feelings have lasted for over a year now. From day one, my mother and stepfather have been rather skeptic of the idea, claiming that I just needed to find a nice girlfriend and "do her" in order to see how wonderful being a straight male could be. They drilled this idea into me daily, sometimes several times daily and a few times even while friends were over. My parents have said they never want me to date a boy.
Well, the thing is... lately... I've had these feelings that they might be right. That... I might be better off as a boy after all. That less people would hate me, less people would think I'm disgusting, less friends would leave me... That I'd generally be a nicer, better person were I to stay as a boy. But these feelings.... They sicken me, as much as they convince me. I don't want to be a boy, but at the same time some part of my mind keeps telling me I do.
When I think of myself, my REAL self I keep locked away, I imagine her as a girl, dressed in pretty dresses and with nice wavy hair. But at the same time... That feeling feels wrong now, although right at the same time, whereas it used to fill me with a warm feeling to think of being like that.
Sexually, my thoughts have warped slightly too... Before, I wouldn't dream of going anywhere near a girl. Yet now, I'm even thinking I might be bi, and that dating a girl might be better than dating a boy. And at the same time, the thought of doing anything with a girl disgusts me thoroughly... ( Don't worry though, I'm not saying it's bad for anyone else, just for me x )
In terms of sexual feelings, I... I'm not even sure there, either. Sexually, at times I see myself as a gay male and at other times a straight female, but for some reason I have lately felt it difficult to imagine either without the involvement of me having a penis. >.<
To get to the point... I /want/ to be a girl, and yet at times (MUCH moreso when I'm, uh... "aroused" :/) I want to be a gay male, or at best a pre-op transgender. >.<
Could these feelings be from it being drilled into me for a year or so that being a girl would be bad in every way and I'd disgust and disappoint my family by doing so, or are these feelings ones of my own that have been locked away?
The bottom line, for me, is that I /want/ to be a girl, at least in appearance, but for some reason that last nagging piece of my mind and/or libido seems to want to cling on to me keeping the more male aspects of my appearance >.<
I really wasn't sure who to go to with this... My stepdad would be no help, my mum would think it's a MIRACLE I'm not entirely set on fully being a girl, and my dad would probably not be of too straight a mind right now to help anyway.