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Thread: Struggling with gender issues/crossdressing issues, and I've got no-where to turn to.

  1. #1

    Default Struggling with gender issues/crossdressing issues, and I've got no-where to turn to.

    More and more recently, my confusion about my gender identity has gotten worse, to the point where I am so damn miserable I am really unsure of what to do.

    Ever since I was small, I've never really fitted into a typical female gender image. OK, I wore dresses/skirts, had friends who were girls and otherwise led the life of a typical girl, but I never felt any real sense of attachment to those things, never found them to be something I 'chose' to do but something I was expected to do for being biologically female.

    As I got older, this only seemed to get worse. I gravitated more and more towards a 'butch' attitude and frame of mind and found myself increasingly attracted to being more and more masculine. Indeed, I felt it to be more 'true' to who I was supposed to be really. I was happiest among men, doing masculine things.

    More and more recently, and I have begun to really detest all the female things about myself, and see myself as a guy. I've begun crossdressing, and right from the start when I got into ABDL stuff, my baby self is a 1yr old baby boy. I seem to be more able to relax this way, and I can actually go out the house without hating everything about myself this way.

    I don't know what I should even do and it's making me more and more miserable. I don't feel able to talk about it with anyone in my family/friends (I know for a fact that some of my more religious/conservative friends would likely disown me).

    Any help?

  2. #2

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    I'm sorry, I really don't know how to help you, other than say that I know how horrible it is to feel alone.
    PM me if you ever want to talk...

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyBass View Post
    More and more recently, my confusion about my gender identity has gotten worse, to the point where I am so damn miserable I am really unsure of what to do.
    ....
    Any help?
    Hmm... I don't have any personal experience, but what you're describing does sound like you might have Gender Dysphoria, rather than just being a naturally butch type woman, and nothing wrong with either of those things...

    I'd suggest you go see your doctor, if it's causing you to be really miserable - help you can get on the NHS isn't always Rolls-Royce, but it's free and better than suffering alone. I've had depression issues myself a few times, and my only regret is not seeking help sooner.
    Info for Gender Dysphoria
    Gender Dysphoria - NHS Choices

    I'm sure you've noticed there are a good few transgender people on here - men and women - hopefully some of them will be able to give you some more advice.
    Good luck

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyBass View Post
    More and more recently, my confusion about my gender identity has gotten worse, to the point where I am so damn miserable I am really unsure of what to do.
    sounds like a catch-22 of emotions.
    and i'm a bit puzzled by the 'disowning' aspect; i mean, you're a northern lass, right??? to me it's perfectly natural for a northern female to take to masculine things better than others (you know, them lot down yon'); being rough and ready is a part of our history and culture, isn't it? i've never seen any female have a problem in doing 'masculine things' and with others' perceptions of that.
    so, i'm wondering if it's not your identity that's a problem, but the one that's been prescribed by whomever?

    maybe you are tomboyish by nature, but that doesn't have to mean any more than that.

  5. #5

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    I'm with ade, there is nothing wrong with wanting to do more "tomboy" things. Human society puts SO many crappy blocks on just going out and being YOU, do what makes you happy, and anyone who hates you for it isn't your friend.

    hope you get well.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by ade View Post
    sounds like a catch-22 of emotions.
    and i'm a bit puzzled by the 'disowning' aspect; i mean, you're a northern lass, right??? to me it's perfectly natural for a northern female to take to masculine things better than others (you know, them lot down yon'); being rough and ready is a part of our history and culture, isn't it? i've never seen any female have a problem in doing 'masculine things' and with others' perceptions of that.
    so, i'm wondering if it's not your identity that's a problem, but the one that's been prescribed by whomever?

    maybe you are tomboyish by nature, but that doesn't have to mean any more than that.
    Whilst I'm a Northern girl, yes, my family is pretty conservative, as well as my friends (who are mostly strict Christians, as I'm also a Christian). Even the town I was raised up in (but not born in I should add) is a pretty socially-conservative, working-class background place. Girls are expected to do certain things, and doing something boys are 'expected' to do is pretty much frowned upon.

    As to the disowning, you can guarantee that my life would be placed in danger should I tell people. My family had a hard enough time getting their heads around me being bisexual. Anything else and I really dread to think what would happen. Same with my friends.

    And the fact is that this atmosphere clashes with pretty much every fibre of what I do. It's not that I just do things or tend to lead towards those things which guys do, think or say, but that the female gender 'role' in any way, shape and form clashes with pretty much every fibre of my body. I feel no attachment towards my biological status of being female, and I certainly don't feel that anything of my female status even belongs to me. I feel like I'm wearing someone else's clothes, like I'm living in a foreign country, like what's happening to me is in fact happening to someone else and I'm merely watching from a distance.

  7. #7

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    glad you responded cos i got pretty wound up as i wrote my previous response (yep, deleted loads). like, it's bad enough that someone may be a little different and be aware of it and then have to try to sort that out within themselves, but to also have the external pressure from others who're just abiding by a prescribed socio-political doctrine..... grr.


    Quote Originally Posted by BabyBass View Post
    Whilst I'm a Northern girl, yes, my family is pretty conservative, as well as my friends (who are mostly strict Christians, as I'm also a Christian). Even the town I was raised up in (but not born in I should add) is a pretty socially-conservative, working-class background place. Girls are expected to do certain things, and doing something boys are 'expected' to do is pretty much frowned upon.
    something i found strange to discover a little while ago was that my mum had been 'encouraged' by her school (RC) and then by her mother to follow a particular course of life (basically to work for pin-money, get married, have kids and that's it). the puzzle was that her mother was a matriarchal figure, from a band of sisters who were also matriarchs, all of whom had worked in the mills and industry, and yet here she was trying to force her daughter into wifely servitude (my mum didn't stand for none of it, btw).
    explaining this, though, is that her mother was what we would today call 'aspirational' (seeking for her children to 'better' themselves via the social ladder - yes, my grandmother had even 'arranged' whom my mother was to marry) and that also the school and the church brought with them the ideas and accents of the upper-middle class south (the thinglish) of females as 'kept' and having to do nowt but be baby factories.
    having a little interest in history, i knew all these ideas were bullshit (and that's putting it midly) and not even a part of our culture nor were they practical in effect. also, what my grandmother was trying to do totally contradicted her own history and lifestyle.
    also, just look at the whole concept of womanhood we've been fed by the thinglish: it's one of women being denied the right to work [cue: feminist bollocks], of women 'having' the inclination to put coloured mud on their faces and dress up like clowns [insert picture of Hilary Devey or any BBC newscaster], etc, etc. let's look at the realities of womanhood, though: women worked in the pits and at the pit-face (until they were banned by the thinglish - note: no qualms by the feminists, telling a tale in itself) and also in every other industry; any differences in jobs and dress were based upon practical need, not a prescribed gender identity, and many a woman took the 'male' role, as needed.


    i guess we're just on the receiving end of 50-100 years of bullshit ideas spread by media and education as to what and who 'the people' are and how they should be, and also the same of the component parts (men and women). in that respect, it's no wonder that when i look around, i get the impression that virtually everybody is you-know-what in the head. ever seen the film, Idiocracy? that's what it's like....and it's enough to make you doubt your own sanity.

    so, to lighten your load a bit, to get 'them' of your back, you can point out to them that their ideas of womanhood are not only bollocks, but that they aren't even their ideas at all, but those of foreigners and totally not applicable to your locality. or maybe even just knowing that is a help.
    nifty link, Archive - The Sea and not a painted face nor thonged arse in sight.

    the sense of detachment you feel can be due any number of reasons; it could simply be a natural response to all of the crap related to womanhood and the place and purpose of women, as imposed. i mean, you may also be quite literally living in a foreign country, as per my rant, above, when you think about it. that sort makes you think about how much of people's emotional 'problems' or issues are merely natural responses to the un-natural situation of contemporary society.
    i know that i spent many years feeling detached from the human world and i worked it out that a small difference [in me] was magnified by the abnormality of the current human world. had i been born 10,000 years ago, i probably would've fitted in better to the then society. and as we know, we're still a stone-age people, at heart.
    so, it could also be said that your sense of detachment is due only to their lack of attachment to reality. so, you could have the situation of having issues some of which are causal and some symptomatic (and that's probably the likely situation, given human nature). it's a complex interaction of things which produces an effect, of which there is no single cause.

    whatever turns out to be the underlying cause(s) of your turmoil, just remember that you aren't then left with a choice of what to be, be it straight, Bi, lesian, TS or TG. and even if you aren't entirely sure what you are, being that is you and a part of your journey, which may one day lead onto another path.

    i'll have to wind this post up somehow and i know it may be a bit scatter-brained in it's structure, but there's many years of influences and their effects and the influences of those effects.......... anyway, i figured out a good analogy of doing a running restoration on a car: there's loads of things to be dealt with, most of which are superficial or secondary complications (but which can cause further problems), most of it's down to somebody else's stupidity, and you have to try to sort out what needs to be put to one side and what needs to be addressed immediately, all without being able to stop and strip it down. not easy and much of a battle with many battles. one day, though, you end up with something you can be proud of, even if it isn't perfect.

    and all that just to lead to saying that it's important to see the clutter and clear it away before getting to the root of the problem.

    and i've been trying to work in the quip, 'man-up and be a woman', but it's not working; at least i've got it out of my system, there. and there's a point: don't lose your humour. that'll get you through many a dark night. seriously.

  8. #8

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    You're likely right abe. I've been going through therapy the last couple of months to sort out the whole 'family/upbringing' issues I've gone through, which seems to have helped my depression a lot, as well as removing these issues so that they're not a problem.

    I think the best step now would for me to go and speak with someone medical and see if there is any way of exploring my options, both for my psychological issues but also the whole issue of my gender.

    Either way, I need to do something or I feel like I'm going to really lose it, or at the worst, really harm myself. Hell knows I can't even stand to look at myself in a mirror right now.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyBass View Post
    Either way, I need to do something or I feel like I'm going to really lose it, or at the worst, really harm myself. Hell knows I can't even stand to look at myself in a mirror right now.
    you're 24, right? i know the early to mid twenties were a very hard time for me to deal with: you get through the angsts and tumults of the teen years and then you feel like you should be at a certain stage in your life, but your record's stuck on a song you hate.
    i was thinking about you, yesterday, and trying to come up with a way of neatly encapsulating and summarising some thoughts i had, but it really is a complex situation; like, you had 9 months of a basic framework being made, and then you've had 24 years of meddling with and adding to that framework by your environment.
    the truth about what and who you are isn't going to come quickly; but tackling the parts in bite-size chunks should give some advance.

    i just thought, a few moments ago, that maybe you could get a chromosome test? i know they do it for children who're born inter-sex or of ambiguous gender, to best determine which gender identity they should be given.
    at least that would be one bite-size chunk out of the way.

    with regards to medical stuff and the psychological side of that, i'd get more than one 'opinion', if i were you. i mean, it's whole industry for some people, nowadays, and they can often be too encouraging, toward their own end.
    Sex Change Regret
    that's a christian based site, i think, though i became aware of 'regrets' through non-spiritual sources. there's some other stuff on there which may be of help to you, or even your family.

    in terms of identity, i didn't become settled with mine (i'm not TS/TG, btw) until my 30s, and a big part of that happening was simply finding my niche in work. young people may hate the idea, but you are as you are seen to do. and it's actually quite nice to counted as being worthy based on your contribution and not your appearance.
    ('settled' doesn't mean happy, by the way, but happier. sometimes, you just have to cut your losses and make the best out of a bad situation.)

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by ade View Post
    you're 24, right? i know the early to mid twenties were a very hard time for me to deal with: you get through the angsts and tumults of the teen years and then you feel like you should be at a certain stage in your life, but your record's stuck on a song you hate.
    i was thinking about you, yesterday, and trying to come up with a way of neatly encapsulating and summarising some thoughts i had, but it really is a complex situation; like, you had 9 months of a basic framework being made, and then you've had 24 years of meddling with and adding to that framework by your environment.
    the truth about what and who you are isn't going to come quickly; but tackling the parts in bite-size chunks should give some advance.
    In my case what has not likely helped is that I was often much more mature than my age auggested, sometimes supressing some of the more child-like aspects of my personality, and so now I feel like some things are now missing from my life, that I'm 'missing' some vital pieces of my life.

    My other problem is that I went through life thinking I was this specific type of person or that, and then in the last few years, that's pretty much all been stripped away, especially in university. I've all but lost my identity.



    i just thought, a few moments ago, that maybe you could get a chromosome test? i know they do it for children who're born inter-sex or of ambiguous gender, to best determine which gender identity they should be given.
    at least that would be one bite-size chunk out of the way.
    Don't know how the system works for these kind of things, but those kinds of tests are generally quite rare AFAIK, and are usually only done if there is suspicion of chromosonal defects.



    with regards to medical stuff and the psychological side of that, i'd get more than one 'opinion', if i were you. i mean, it's whole industry for some people, nowadays, and they can often be too encouraging, toward their own end.
    Sex Change Regret
    that's a christian based site, i think, though i became aware of 'regrets' through non-spiritual sources. there's some other stuff on there which may be of help to you, or even your family.
    Will take a look at that site. And yes, I'm always wary of going on a single opinion, and you are absolutely right in saying some people are too keen to get you to do things to suit their own wishes.



    in terms of identity, i didn't become settled with mine (i'm not TS/TG, btw) until my 30s, and a big part of that happening was simply finding my niche in work. young people may hate the idea, but you are as you are seen to do. and it's actually quite nice to counted as being worthy based on your contribution and not your appearance.
    ('settled' doesn't mean happy, by the way, but happier. sometimes, you just have to cut your losses and make the best out of a bad situation.)
    I think that once I'm away from being stuck with my family and am living my own idependant life, I can be happy.

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