I'm sure it's not incontinence (well not at this stage) but, I've had occasional loss of bladder control for the past year. It occurs whenever I sit-up, sit-down, and moments after using the bathroom. It's as if I feel my bladder is empty but, a small amount of pee will catch me off guard. Luckily it's never been so bad that it's noticeable I've wet myself but, I'm afraid that if this keeps up, that dreadful day will come.
I do have to admit, I secretly wanted this. I know it's a destructive desire but, subconsciously I've always wanted to be diaper dependent. I suffer from a binge & purge cycle with my love for diapers(both can last for weeks to months). I feel like I'm in a different state of mind when I binge and I'm afraid I'll grow distant from what makes me happy. The only way I feel to overcome the "purge" is to become defendant and finally; acceptance.
So I'd spend long periods in diapers when I binge. Every time, no matter how long an absence it's been, wetting without stress comes naturally to me. I'd often wear goodnights in public and discretely use them too. It's such a constant disuse of my bladder that I'm afraid it's contributed to the weakening of my pelvic floor mussels.
That's just the binge problem, the purge side is just as bad. I drink plenty of water on daily basis. I'm very active so plenty of water helps my metabolism. Also, I used to be a frequent drug user(don't judge me), so I've developed a habit to drink lots of water which kept my system clean, JUST IN CASE(I'm rambling on:I ). Now with all this water consumption, whenever I'm home or at work, there's always a bathroom within a few feet of me. At home we have one bathroom on each floor and one is right next to my bedroom. I can't hold my bladder for long so, it's no bother when I have to walk a few feet if the urge comes so sudden. Nowadays, It's kinda hard to hold it in for long.
Now I know it's a terrible desire to be diaper dependent. When the first thought of forceful incontinence arose, I turned to this forum way back and was convinced it was bad idea. Although, it's like a guilty pleasure that won't subside. It's my subconscious that drives me to be so careless at times. It's affect me for awhile so, the reason I ask for some advice now is because I'm getting back into that diaper-wearing mood. It's probably another binge cycle which, I'll try to get over .
Anyways, if tl;dr. Am I really the only who's suppressing this desire of incontinence? I've heard all the reasons to not do so, but nothing of a personal experience. Also, any suggestions to fix this problem. I'm sure simply holding it in, less water and maybe some kegel exercises would help, but how about on the mental containment. Am I really alone on this? I'm not like those other people who fantasize forced incontinence. I'm aware of the danger and I personally don't believe it's worth it.
I'm really sorry if I offended any of you truly incontinent folks, but it's something I had to get off my chest.