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Thread: Have you ever wanted to keep a friend your sexual preference a friend? Some advice would be appreciated

  1. #1

    Default Have you ever wanted to keep a friend your sexual preference a friend? Some advice would be appreciated

    Alright I"m trying to be as politically correct as possible for yo LGBT group out there.... anyways the questions is as follows.

    Have you found someone that is interested in you but you had no intention of being with them romantically? Or rather you just wanted them as a friend because they are amazing friends? Or have you ever been interested in someone and decided it would be better to be kept as a friend?

    The reason I ask this is simply because I've learned something about myself or rather I think I learned something about myself. I just would like some external input to confirm it is all.... But my assumption is simply the following.... I'm a pretty good friend, so girls never quite saw me as BF material simply because they didn't want to lose a good friend? and reasoning is good friends are harder to find then boyfriends?

    I mean... I kinda learned that my feelings for women over the years where kinda stupid, I mean I misinterpreted romantic feelings. What i mean to say is, right now I have an amazing friend in DC. She's attractive and pretty, funny, and has just overall qualities I value in a person and a friend in general. I love hanging out with her and our friendship goes beyond the whole "lets just hang out and do stupid stuff" It's more of a deeper relationship then that... if that makes sense. Like we talk about life, our relationships and what not.

    So right now I feel rather giddy like I did in high school when I had a crush.... I fear that I fear that I might have thrown away incredibly good relationships for me misinterpreting my feelings of the opposite sex. What i mean is friendship likes this with guys are kinda ok. I'm not attracted to guys, but when you add me being attracted to a girl and liking her physically and personally then well you get a whole other emotion that I can't grasp. I've learned that it's ok to be attracted to female friends. My relationship with my fiancee has been unorthodox to say the least, yet I never had this giddy happy feeling. It was odd but I just feel for her by accident. if that makes sense. it's just a different sensation entirely to what I'm feeling for my friend Erika at the moment...

    Which leads me to my question...obviously.... I'm just trying to learn about myself a bit more. This internship experience has been one hell of a ride. I'm loving it and hating it but I'm glad I took it....but I just keep learning things about myself. I keep thinking I have myself figured out but one doesn't really know themselves as well as you freaking think.... Hence them gay guys that come out at age 50. But yeah any advice or insight of the matter is greatly appreciated....

  2. #2

    Default

    Well,

    I'll say at 20 I've never meet anyone that has even remotely figured out much as far as relationships or themselves.

    Now hold on I'm not saying anything more than at 20 you don't have many experiences to really understand what is reall at play with yourself and your relationships.

    Now being from a Latin community, I assume, you have a different dynamic than here in the states.

    Ive spent lots of time in quepos and San Juan over the years and yep even mexico city and such.

    But Latin culture does tend to have an much of a non sexual relationship between genders. The culture is much more open sexualy than the states.

    That being said, a true relationship with a partner, lover, so, should start out as a friendship in my opinion.

    I don't know what you have going really with either relationship, but.

    Friends are friends, and if they are truly a friend they will stick by you even after a break up.

    I've had many gf over the years, and I only have one that I don't talkmto and still have a friendship with.

    That being said it's not easy to change the dynamic of a relationship, but true friends will weather the storm and come out stronger on the other side.

    So to answer your question, good question, only you will know form sure.

    But feelings are feelings, I suggest you talk them out with your friends in question.

    Just be honest and talk to them.

    Being honest may cause a sting for a short time but lying or not being honest will really hurt in the end!

    When you talknand be honest about you feelings and especially you confusion this will really help in the end.

    No also your culture vs. the states will cause even more confusion so you will need to talk about this as well.

    Now be tactful and respect everyone's wishes as well, the other party may not be ready to talk about this right away and they may need time to think, this is normal, and if they arent ready give them time, but say we need to do this sometime.

    I'd say 99% of the women will in the end really enjoy your honesty and openness.

    They me be stymied for a bit if they don't expect this but thats ok.

    So I say talk with your friend and discuss your feelings and whatever is right will become. And I highly doubt anyone would not be your friend because your honest, even if it's not an easy topic.

    De Nada!
    B

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Bigbabybret View Post
    Well,

    I'll say at 20 I've never meet anyone that has even remotely figured out much as far as relationships or themselves.

    Now hold on I'm not saying anything more than at 20 you don't have many experiences to really understand what is reall at play with yourself and your relationships.

    Now being from a Latin community, I assume, you have a different dynamic than here in the states.

    Ive spent lots of time in quepos and San Juan over the years and yep even mexico city and such.

    But Latin culture does tend to have an much of a non sexual relationship between genders. The culture is much more open sexualy than the states.

    That being said, a true relationship with a partner, lover, so, should start out as a friendship in my opinion.

    I don't know what you have going really with either relationship, but.

    Friends are friends, and if they are truly a friend they will stick by you even after a break up.

    I've had many gf over the years, and I only have one that I don't talkmto and still have a friendship with.

    That being said it's not easy to change the dynamic of a relationship, but true friends will weather the storm and come out stronger on the other side.

    So to answer your question, good question, only you will know form sure.

    But feelings are feelings, I suggest you talk them out with your friends in question.

    Just be honest and talk to them.

    Being honest may cause a sting for a short time but lying or not being honest will really hurt in the end!

    When you talknand be honest about you feelings and especially you confusion this will really help in the end.

    No also your culture vs. the states will cause even more confusion so you will need to talk about this as well.

    Now be tactful and respect everyone's wishes as well, the other party may not be ready to talk about this right away and they may need time to think, this is normal, and if they arent ready give them time, but say we need to do this sometime.

    I'd say 99% of the women will in the end really enjoy your honesty and openness.

    They me be stymied for a bit if they don't expect this but thats ok.

    So I say talk with your friend and discuss your feelings and whatever is right will become. And I highly doubt anyone would not be your friend because your honest, even if it's not an easy topic.

    De Nada!
    B
    Well I don't want to change anything relationship wise. I'm madly in love with my fiancee and much friend isn't really the type of person I'd like to date. Thing is I realized that the feeli-s I have for her are the same I have towards much best friend back home minus the sexual attraction. Thing is I feel really different about my fiancee me and her where friends first and we progressed into what we are now. I had and probably won't feel like this about another human being. I can't say the same about erika because again I fear that I might have mistaken thing for romantic feelings and fucked some friendships up along he way. What I mean is I like to be around my friends and what not. But with a female ihad that feeling plus the attraction and combine that with the Latin cultures openness the whole kiss your cheek to say high and overall friendliness that I might have mistaken for sexual interest. Very confusing. But I know the difference between loving someone and loving my romantic partner if you get what I'm trying to say.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by dragsnick View Post
    Have you found someone that is interested in you but you had no intention of being with them romantically?
    Yes. I have a friend who is bi and wants me to turn bi. He thinks you just transform but I don't think that's the case.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by dragsnick View Post
    Well I don't want to change anything relationship wise. I'm madly in love with my fiancee and much friend isn't really the type of person I'd like to date. Thing is I realized that the feeli-s I have for her are the same I have towards much best friend back home minus the sexual attraction. Thing is I feel really different about my fiancee me and her where friends first and we progressed into what we are now. I had and probably won't feel like this about another human being. I can't say the same about erika because again I fear that I might have mistaken thing for romantic feelings and fucked some friendships up along he way. What I mean is I like to be around my friends and what not. But with a female ihad that feeling plus the attraction and combine that with the Latin cultures openness the whole kiss your cheek to say high and overall friendliness that I might have mistaken for sexual interest. Very confusing. But I know the difference between loving someone and loving my romantic partner if you get what I'm trying to say.
    Yes I know exactly what your saying.

    Not saying you should DO anything other than just be honest.

    Talk to her and be honest like you are here. If she is a friend she WILL approve of the honesty especially in a not so easy thing to talk about.

    I know the Latin culture and yes it is almost opposite of ours here in the states when it comes to openess and lovingness.

    But I think both women from both cultures WILL appreciate and respect you for being honest. Whatever that is.

    You've done nothing even remotely wrong...Both cultures would agree on this 100%

    Yep, do what you feel is right, but talking to her I feel would make you better friends and have this whole thing your worring about cleared up ASAP!

    She may be defensive, or unsure what happened righ away when you bring this up, but in the end it will work out perfect.

    I've been open with all my friends, they know where I'm at and that is it. It works great to know that between me and them, men and women, there is nothing that is not out on the table. If someone asks then I'll answer the truth.

    anyhow

    Hope your friend is a real friend and will let you talk about this with them. It is nice.
    and yes men and women can be friends, without sex!

    My 2cents
    b

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bigbabybret View Post
    Yes I know exactly what your saying.

    Not saying you should DO anything other than just be honest.

    Talk to her and be honest like you are here. If she is a friend she WILL approve of the honesty especially in a not so easy thing to talk about.

    I know the Latin culture and yes it is almost opposite of ours here in the states when it comes to openess and lovingness.

    But I think both women from both cultures WILL appreciate and respect you for being honest. Whatever that is.

    You've done nothing even remotely wrong...Both cultures would agree on this 100%

    Yep, do what you feel is right, but talking to her I feel would make you better friends and have this whole thing your worring about cleared up ASAP!

    She may be defensive, or unsure what happened righ away when you bring this up, but in the end it will work out perfect.

    I've been open with all my friends, they know where I'm at and that is it. It works great to know that between me and them, men and women, there is nothing that is not out on the table. If someone asks then I'll answer the truth.

    anyhow

    Hope your friend is a real friend and will let you talk about this with them. It is nice.
    and yes men and women can be friends, without sex!

    My 2cents
    b
    Well I can only see bad coming from talking to her. I mean ita not like I'm in love with her or anything im just fond of hanging out with her. She amuses me and well she knows that because I've told her. She has a boyfriend and I have a fiancee as it stands we are just good friends. Hence why I think I might have mistaken the feelings I had of women all those years ago. Hence the question now. I'm incredibly happy with my fiancee and if I had to choose who to spend time with it would be my fiancee over her. Again I have no romantic interest in her. I do have a fondness of her but its the same when you find a really good friend you want to spend time with that person no matter what. Ya know? I just think its something that I never learned in my life and just recently discovered it.

    ---------- Post added 31-07-2011 at 11:49 ---------- Previous post was 22-07-2011 at 07:27 ----------



    Quote Originally Posted by Bigbabybret View Post
    Yes I know exactly what your saying.

    Not saying you should DO anything other than just be honest.

    Talk to her and be honest like you are here. If she is a friend she WILL approve of the honesty especially in a not so easy thing to talk about.

    I know the Latin culture and yes it is almost opposite of ours here in the states when it comes to openess and lovingness.

    But I think both women from both cultures WILL appreciate and respect you for being honest. Whatever that is.

    You've done nothing even remotely wrong...Both cultures would agree on this 100%

    Yep, do what you feel is right, but talking to her I feel would make you better friends and have this whole thing your worring about cleared up ASAP!

    She may be defensive, or unsure what happened righ away when you bring this up, but in the end it will work out perfect.

    I've been open with all my friends, they know where I'm at and that is it. It works great to know that between me and them, men and women, there is nothing that is not out on the table. If someone asks then I'll answer the truth.

    anyhow

    Hope your friend is a real friend and will let you talk about this with them. It is nice.
    and yes men and women can be friends, without sex!

    My 2cents
    b
    So yeah ,due to certain circumstances I told her how I feel. Well apparently if we where single she would have dated me. So yeah , we now know where our relationship stands and where really close friends.

  7. #7

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    Dragsnick,

    It sounds almost like you have one of those Hollywood relationships with the girl in DC. Two people work on a movie together, they get married because they feel after six or 12 months of working intensively together that it is "meant to be," and then they get divorced from irreconcilable differences. If I were to use a term that I just made up now, it's like a "Stockholm Marriage." You've been in DC for 12 months as an intern. I too have trouble reading the emotions of other people, I cry watching the Folgers Coffee commercial from the 80's when the brother comes home from college and his sister runs down the steps in the morning to greet him. It's good that you're seeking advice - and sort of taking a step back to assess the situation. I applaud you. :-) When considering, please keep the following in mind, that I have found useful over the years:

    Giving a quick synopsis of a chapter from a book my undergraduate professor wrote...

    Aristotle suggests there are three types of friendship, based on Use, Pleasure, and Goodness.

    A friendship based on Use and Pleasure are what Aristotle calls "incidental" because they're based on something that someone is able to provide to another, and once that service or ability is gone, there is no longer a motive for friendship.

    The friendship based on Goodness is the only "true" friendship, because the motive for association is based on the other person's goodness and virtue and character. Use and Pleasure may be a small part of the friendship based on goodness, but in a higher kind - even if the use or pleasure goes away, the friendship will remain.

    I just read your last post, and it's good you were open and honest with her. Hopefully you all will continue having the same friendship you previously shared.

    Be well, dragsnick and good luck. :-)
    Last edited by AceABDL; 31-Jul-2011 at 20:48.

  8. #8

    Default

    If I remember correctly, you're engaged right now. How many serious relationships that lasted at least a few months have you been in aside from the one you're in at the moment?

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by ISO400 View Post
    Dragsnick,

    It sounds almost like you have one of those Hollywood relationships with the girl in DC. Two people work on a movie together, they get married because they feel after six or 12 months of working intensively together that it is "meant to be," and then they get divorced from irreconcilable differences. If I were to use a term that I just made up now, it's like a "Stockholm Marriage." You've been in DC for 12 months as an intern. I too have trouble reading the emotions of other people, I cry watching the Folgers Coffee commercial from the 80's when the brother comes home from college and his sister runs down the steps in the morning to greet him. It's good that you're seeking advice - and sort of taking a step back to assess the situation. I applaud you. :-) When considering, please keep the following in mind, that I have found useful over the years:

    Giving a quick synopsis of a chapter from a book my undergraduate professor wrote...

    Aristotle suggests there are three types of friendship, based on Use, Pleasure, and Goodness.

    A friendship based on Use and Pleasure are what Aristotle calls "incidental" because they're based on something that someone is able to provide to another, and once that service or ability is gone, there is no longer a motive for friendship.

    The friendship based on Goodness is the only "true" friendship, because the motive for association is based on the other person's goodness and virtue and character. Use and Pleasure may be a small part of the friendship based on goodness, but in a higher kind - even if the use or goodness goes away, the friendship will remain.

    I just read your last post, and it's good you were open and honest with her. Hopefully you all will continue having the same friendship you previously shared.

    Be well, dragsnick and good luck. :-)
    dragsnick, I wish I had had this information when I went through...what I think was a similar situation that I had.

    ""The friendship based on Goodness is the only "true" friendship, because the motive for association is based on the other person's goodness and virtue and character. Use and Pleasure may be a small part of the friendship based on goodness, but in a higher kind - even if the use or goodness goes away, the friendship will remain."" ...How perfect is that??

    If you'd like...I'll share my experience with you, when I get a bit more time...meanwhile...if I may suggest something of a philosophy...If at anytime, you really believe you have yourself, or anyone else (or anything else) 'figured out'...you've possibly stopped evolving...mind you, that 'core-values' generally stay the same...the 'tapestry' of life, is likely an ever changing...hopefully growing/evolving process...enjoy!

    Regards,
    -Marka

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by NightFox View Post
    If I remember correctly, you're engaged right now. How many serious relationships that lasted at least a few months have you been in aside from the one you're in at the moment?
    I've only ever had one gf in my life. I've been with my fiancee for 5 years. I've had little relationships here and there but the girls always rejected me. So its nice to know that some girl does like me but I want to keep her as a friend. I'm not "settling" with my fiancee I really do want her. Ya know?

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