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Thread: Asexuality discussion

  1. #1

    Default Asexuality discussion

    I figured to not clog up another thread, would open this up to discuss a bit about asexuality. To be honest, an article I quoted earlier and have been reading piqued my interest on the topic moreso then anything.

    The article: http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/publi...eGrahamPDF.pdf

    And a few questions to sort of guide in getting a few answers (anyone can answer, asexual or not):

    What does asexuality mean to you?

    What situations do you consider/see as sexual (outside of the two obvious ones)?

    If your partner wasn't asexual, would you engage in sex with them even if you weren't interested (or for the non-asexual, if your partner was asexual would you still want them to engage in sex with you)?

    Does asexuality worry you at all (or, if your partner was asexual, would you be worried about them)?

    How do you feel about being asexual (or how do you feel about asexuals)?

    To pawn a few from almost directly the study:
    Study Questions
    What experiences would you expect a person identified as asexual to have?

    What benefits and what drawbacks do you see to asexuality?


    Probably could add more, but think that is decent enough. I'll bold this so it stands out, just to make sure: You don't have to answer all or any of the questions. They are just there as a guide to kind of give an idea of what to possibly touch on. You can go more in-depth or less in-depth if you wish. You can talk about something not in the questions etc.

    Further, You don't have to give short/in order answers. It doesn't have to be an answer under each question, you can write 5 pages if you want without referencing the question, or 3 paragraphs, or 1, whatever you want. You can also write under the questions your answers. Think of it as a discussion, not a questionnaire. Basically summing up all the above, those are just discussion points, things you can touch on. If you don't want to, or want to mention other things GO FOR IT! Hell its encouraged.

  2. #2

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    I'll bite. This could be interesting if we get lots of responses.

    For reference, I identify as an aromantic asexual.



    Quote Originally Posted by Coyote_Howl View Post
    I can't say any of the conclusions here are surprising to an asexual, especially one who has read any amount of AVEN, the main asexuality forum. I'm disappointed that the did not, so far as I could tell, investigate any questions about sexual interests beyond other people, i.e. fetishes, so it misses the boat a bit for explaining the asexuals found on ADISC.



    What does asexuality mean to you?
    Lack of sexual interest in other people, that is, a sexual orientation towards no group of people. I do not see this as mutually exclusive with romantic interests, but the line is drawn at actually getting any useful level sexual arousal from other people.



    What situations do you consider/see as sexual (outside of the two obvious ones)?
    2 obvious ones? You mean one other than sex itself is obvious?

    Is it masturbation? Is it kissing? Is it flirting? Is it looking at porn? I'm more curious now as to what you find obvious than in trying to answer the question.



    If your partner wasn't asexual, would you engage in sex with them even if you weren't interested (or for the non-asexual, if your partner was asexual would you still want them to engage in sex with you)?
    How, exactly would this work?

    I'm a guy, and I can't imagine how functionally I could do it with a girl. Don't you have to actually be turned on for that to work?

    With another guy? I suppose if he did it in line with my fetishes, it could work, but just sex for the sake of sex, no, that would be very painful.


    Oh, and I'd need a partner, but I've no interest in anyone. I've never "fallen in love". How, or more specifically, why, would anything ever get to the bedroom?



    Does asexuality worry you at all (or, if your partner was asexual, would you be worried about them)?
    Yes, but for different reasons that you'd probably guess.

    Basically, the stereotype of "2.5 kids and a white picket fence" as the path to happiness is cut off. The standard cultural model of living a comfortable life and finding joy in the family you raise is impossible, or at least, doesn't mean the same thing. I've had to completely rethink how I will live a happy and fulfilling life because society's normal answers don't work for me.

    Also, it's an intrinsically lonely life. I still have entirely normal human social needs to be very, very close to someone. I lean heavily on a few friends, but I always feel like there's something missing in that picture, and that something missing is something I'm blocked from obtaining.



    How do you feel about being asexual (or how do you feel about asexuals)?
    Meh. It is what it is. Whatever.



    What experiences would you expect a person identified as asexual to have?
    Err, confusion about sexuality and a longer than average path to self-discovery?



    What benefits and what drawbacks do you see to asexuality?
    This is a stupid question, and elicited a, "Why the heck did the researchers find this important?" response from me. People who are asexual really don't think much about this, at least as far as I can tell.


    Answering it feels like being a zoo animal:

    Interviewer: Mr. Lion, what benefits and drawbacks do you see to being a lion?
    Lion: WTF?


    Asexuality just is. I'd have to really think hard and brainstorm to actually answer it. I don't think at all in my day-to-day life about lack of STDs or things like that because it's not something with which I've ever had to concern myself in the first place.

  3. #3

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    OK I'll answer. Maybe it will help some people. I'm female (Yes, really.) and I self-identify as an asexual panromantic. Which means that it's little difference to me whether I form a close bond with male, female or transgender people. To me it's not what's between the legs, it's what's in the persons mind that matters.



    What does asexuality mean to you?
    No interest in sexual intercourse with another living being. (Or non-living, or never-was-living just to clear THAT up.)


    What situations do you consider/see as sexual (outside of the two obvious ones)?
    What -are- the obvious ones? *head tilt* Just curious on that. Obviously doing the old 'bump and grind', but what's the second?


    If your partner wasn't asexual, would you engage in sex with them even if you weren't interested (or for the non-asexual, if your partner was asexual would you still want them to engage in sex with you)?
    No. I'm not interested and why would I force myself to try to be interested in something I don't want to do? I just can't see it turning out all that great for anyone involved.


    Does asexuality worry you at all (or, if your partner was asexual, would you be worried about them)?
    On a social level, kind of. I do want to be close to someone, but I don't want to have sex with them or have them expect me to want that. I just couldn't do it. So I worry a bit that I won't find another person who I could get along with who was also asexual.


    How do you feel about being asexual (or how do you feel about asexuals)?
    I'm perfectly fine with it. I've accepted that it's part of who I am, so I don't sit up at night worrying about it.



    What experiences would you expect a person identified as asexual to have?
    Not really sure. Everyone has different experiences in their lives.


    What benefits and what drawbacks do you see to asexuality?
    Well, I don't go around ogling people and making them uncomfortable, so I consider that a plus. Other than that I'm echoing the "Mr. Lion" statement NutFreeFruitcake made. WTF?

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Coyote_Howl View Post
    What does asexuality mean to you?
    It means that I do not feel sexual atraction to guys, gals, or, in general, anything that is or was living. To be perfectly honest, naked people are a turn off for me. To put it another way, people atract me about as much as diapers atract the norm.



    What situations do you consider/see as sexual (outside of the two obvious ones)?
    I'm not sure what's implied by this question, but if you mean situations that arouse me, they are all related to my fetishes/being subby. The idea of sex by itself sounds about as a interesting as masturbating while watching paint dry - sure, there is mechanical stimulation, but nothing more than that.



    If your partner wasn't asexual, would you engage in sex with them even if you weren't interested (or for the non-asexual, if your partner was asexual would you still want them to engage in sex with you)?
    Oh, it's not that I can't see myself having sex, as the passive parter and with heavy domination/submition elements. But it's not really the sex that's interesting, it's the being dominated bit. "Vanila" sex just sounds really boring and awkward, though.



    Does asexuality worry you at all (or, if your partner was asexual, would you be worried about them)?
    It worries me in that I'm afraid of never finding a compatible partner; the prospect of finding someone that doesn't mind me not being atracted to them sexualy (but still is a dominant partner) seems dounting. Ignoring potential relationship problems, I'm really not worried about it.



    How do you feel about being asexual (or how do you feel about asexuals)?
    I get some angst due to the obstacles to forming a relationship I can see it cause. But really, my only refference frame is being asexual so it's not like I can compare. I guess I'm neutral, just like I feel neutral about being a guy or white.



    What experiences would you expect a person identified as asexual to have?
    What experiences would you expect a sexual person to have? This question is very, very vague.



    What benefits and what drawbacks do you see to asexuality?
    I have no idea. I think my life would be a bit simpler if I was straight, bi or gay :/


    Sent from my iPhone

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by NutFreeFruitcake View Post
    Lack of sexual interest in other people, that is, a sexual orientation towards no group of people. I do not see this as mutually exclusive with romantic interests, but the line is drawn at actually getting any useful level sexual arousal from other people.
    So (just to make sure i'm understanding correctly) if someone was aroused by another person, would that mean they are not asexual? What about if someone was aroused by someone, but not by the idea of "banging" (to be crude) them? Again don't disagree (afterall it is opinion) just trying to get clarification is all =P.



    Quote Originally Posted by NutFreeFruitcake View Post
    2 obvious ones? You mean one other than sex itself is obvious?

    Is it masturbation? Is it kissing? Is it flirting? Is it looking at porn? I'm more curious now as to what you find obvious than in trying to answer the question.
    Didn't want to get too "mature" in the OP, but the two obvious I was think of was sex and masturbation.



    Quote Originally Posted by NutFreeFruitcake View Post
    How, exactly would this work?

    I'm a guy, and I can't imagine how functionally I could do it with a girl. Don't you have to actually be turned on for that to work?

    With another guy? I suppose if he did it in line with my fetishes, it could work, but just sex for the sake of sex, no, that would be very painful.


    Oh, and I'd need a partner, but I've no interest in anyone. I've never "fallen in love". How, or more specifically, why, would anything ever get to the bedroom?
    It mostly came from a few of the posted interviews in the link, in which they had a few people say they would/were having sex with their partner, despite being (well the people thought they were anyways) asexual, because they knew their partner enjoyed it and wanted to make the partner happy.


    Lazy quoting at the end (as I cut out the last bit already, and being lazy now), but the only reason I think the study included it was to see if the people identifying as asexual did so because of fear of STDs or things like that (at least that is what I gathered from the write-up). I'm moreso curious to see what those who are, well I guess sexual (since if I recall a is basically not =P), think on the benefits/drawbacks of asexuality.



    Quote Originally Posted by Near View Post
    I'm not sure what's implied by this question, but if you mean situations that arouse me, they are all related to my fetishes/being subby. The idea of sex by itself sounds about as a interesting as masturbating while watching paint dry - sure, there is mechanical stimulation, but nothing more than that.
    The main idea from the question came from the kind of conclusion (they didn't exactly outright say it was a conclusion but seemed they implied it from their first interviews) that asexual people find some things other think as possibly sexual to not be sexual. Kissing was one mentioned, which I had no idea how that applied, but I'm also not interested in sex so guess that could prove them true?

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Coyote_Howl View Post
    So (just to make sure i'm understanding correctly) if someone was aroused by another person, would that mean they are not asexual? What about if someone was aroused by someone, but not by the idea of "banging" (to be crude) them? Again don't disagree (afterall it is opinion) just trying to get clarification is all =P.
    Yes, but I'll admit it's also not a distinction I've given great consideration towards.



    Didn't want to get too "mature" in the OP, but the two obvious I was think of was sex and masturbation.
    Masturbation is not something I associate with a sexual orientation towards other people. I masturbate plenty, like most guys, but just to my fetishes rather than people. It's worth noting that that study showed less frequent, but still plenty of masturbation, on average, among its asexual participants.



    It mostly came from a few of the posted interviews in the link, in which they had a few people say they would/were having sex with their partner, despite being (well the people thought they were anyways) asexual, because they knew their partner enjoyed it and wanted to make the partner happy.
    Those quoted interviews were mostly with women. Women are generally acknowledged, in line with that study's results, to be more frequently asexual and make up about 2/3 of the asexual community. For asexual guys, it's a whole lot harder to have vanilla sex since the mechanics of such rely on being aroused in the first place.

    Here, you'll get a lot of similar answers to mine, given that the AB/DL community is in the ballpark of 90% male.

  7. #7

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    Outside observer of this very interesting thread, asking a dumb question:

    Just so I'm grasping this correctly, asexuality is defined as a lack of arousal? Or a lack of arousal in what are supposed to be "arousing" situations (i.e. vanilla foreplay)?

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by WBDaddy View Post
    Outside observer of this very interesting thread, asking a dumb question:

    Just so I'm grasping this correctly, asexuality is defined as a lack of arousal? Or a lack of arousal in what are supposed to be "arousing" situations (i.e. vanilla foreplay)?
    More the latter. The definition that matters, that is, the definition that the community around those who call themselves "asexual" actually use, is that it broadly refers to anyone who isn't attracted to other people to a significant degree. The larger community includes people who aren't aroused by anything and don't even masturbate, people who aren't aroused by anything and do masturbate, people who are aroused by masturbation, people who get off to only sexual fetishes (that would be all of us asexuals here on ADISC), and even some people who feel that they have slight attraction but such extremely low sex drive that they are functionally asexual.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by WBDaddy View Post
    Just so I'm grasping this correctly, asexuality is defined as a lack of arousal? Or a lack of arousal in what are supposed to be "arousing" situations (i.e. vanilla foreplay)?
    Well, asuming you're straight, then you're not aroused by males, only females. An asexual is aroused by neither gender.

    Some asexuals don't experience much arousal. In my case, the heap of fetishes I have all arous me, just not males or females.



    Sent from my iPhone

  10. #10

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    I ask because I find the process of arousal extremely challenging, unless fetish is involved. It's frustrating to my wife sometimes, and I find myself forcing arousal by fantasizing about fetish-related matters while we're doing the "vanilla" thing.

    That said, throughout my life I've always been easily aroused by "vanilla" behavior like kissing, etc, early on in a relationship. Perhaps my issue is more the "conquest" variety - I'm only sexually stimulated by women I've not had yet...

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