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Thread: Love...

  1. #1

    Default Love...

    ... The all-conquering power.

    I'm generally a sensitive person; I care about connections. I'm struggling with my own a little, so...

    How do you love?

    Are you open and vibrant with your feelings?
    Do you share everything you can; your thoughts and opinions?
    Do you invest a lot, easily?
    Do you get swept away easily?
    Do you enter into these things with optimism every time?
    I guess, simply, do you wear your heart on your sleeve with the people you 'love'...?
    Are you more subtle; more reserved?
    Do you feel the connection you have doesn't require you to say things?
    Do you hold things/behaviour back til a certain point?
    Do you have a 'plan of attack' to these things?

    TO... any asexuals who may read this... What do you make of these concepts? Are these the things you're against? Or do they just not occur naturally?

    Second part... Sorry for waffling...

    I loved someone so, so much once. I gave everything I had, put time, money and every inch of my heart into one boy. He was younger than me... Too young... And he needed a lot of support. Things like this meant I naturally assumed a kind of dominance in the relationship and, eventually, he lashed out, rebelling against this, and slept with someone else. We ended, officially, nearly two years ago, and I am still broken. I genuinely believe I'll never love again like I loved him and, for all his flaws, he made me happy. I still find myself waiting for him to come back.

    love. By whatever definition you hold, personally, of love, what is your greatest experience? Has it lasted for you? Have you survived it, or has it scarred you?

    I look forward to learning more about you

    Dan x

  2. #2


    Wow, I really feel for you. I can almost understand what you're feeling, though what you had was way more than me. At one point I loved a girl so much - I'd do anything for her. She never knew my feelings and ended up getting married. She invited me to her wedding. It really sucked - I kept thinking how that could have been me had I spoken up. At least you had some time with who you loved.

    Since then, I think I've become more asexual than anything else. I've always been very reserved - never showing emotion. So to answer your question, I don't think I love at all. I show some affection for relatives, but I'm not very emotional with them, and I hide most of my true feelings. I'm not against them, it's just that I have a very hard time opening up with anyone.

    I'm not sure I answered anything you were asking. But I liked your post and felt bad that nobody posted anything.

  3. #3



    I wanted to reply before but was too busy. Indeed too bad you didn't get more replies: especially when you look at how many replies that "what is your fetish" topic. I suppose "love" is a more difficult subject than "sex".

    First of all, I really feel for you. It is really a major blast if something like that happens, maybe even comparable to when someone you love dies.

    I've been through that too, although many things were different. But cheesy as it may sound, I did get over it and I bounced back. And after a while I found that I could love again with the same intensity.

    I'm always open about my feelings even if I don't want to. I just can't hide them I suppose.*
    The answer is "yes" to all those questions you ask.
    Although it's "no" to the "plan of attack". I never plan anything, let alone this sort of thing. It happens to me.

    I have suprised myself with how well I have been able to recover from this sort of hurt, even though it felt at the time that I would never love again. I was indeed physically hurting from that: a large grating hole inside, feeling unreal, like it was all a nightmare.*

    Therefore, don't underestimate your capacity to heal.

    Reading your post did make me wonder what the chances would have been that it could have worked our well. Especially the inequality you mention - that you assumed a dominant role: that would at least never work for me. But maybe there are situations in which this can lead to a stabile relationship.

    In my case, there's always the danger of the relationship developing parent-child aspects, because of how I am (what I wrote about in that "partly 8 yr old" topic). Though this seems like inevitable, it is not; because I'm definitely not childlike in all respects. If the other one just accepts me for who I am, we can "level up".
    But there is a danger that this inequality becomes part of how you relate to one another, and I think that that's spelling doom for your relationship. In my case, there was a sexual inequality because I'm very vanilla and my ex wanted more; and because I tend to be very absentminded / dreamy I often forget to do things which can ultimately really annoy the other.*

    I really need to feel taken seriously in a relationship, and I can't stand either being dominated or expecting me to act dominant.

    I consider "love" as the greatest gift we have. And not only the pair-bond love. I have very strong emotions about many things: music, art, poetry, nature, people, honesty. Many things can make me cry instantly because they fill me with a sense of love. I'm also very sensitive for "dedication", it touches me when people are very dedicated to something because they can put so much love into that.

    It's hard to say what my greatest experience is. Love has so many sides, from physical to spiritual. But in any case, I have never even considered locking myself out of that universal life-force; not even when I was hurt most.


  4. #4


    I'm sorry to hear you were hurt so badly, I know hard hard it can be to deal with someone betraying you like that - and the wounds the break up leaves behind. I also believe you'll never love again like you loved him - but I don't believe you'll never love someone as strongly as you did again. For me, loving someone is a unique experience - the way I loved my exes is entirely different to how I love my girlfriend - although I use the same word, it means so much more.

    I have been in two relationships prior to meeting my girlfriend, both hurt me in different ways. The first girl, my first love, treated me like dirt - I know she didn't intend to, but I was treated more like a loyal lapdog than a boyfriend. Eventually, I grew tired of watching her use me, and I broke it off. She took it very hard, tried to reconcile, but I couldn't get past how she'd treated me. At that stage, I promised I'd never let anyone use me again, and I was stronger as a result.

    The next relationship was very intense - it transpired she had a lot of previous experience, but also severe self-confidence issues. We were long distance for the majority of the relationship; while I could cope with it, she needed me around a lot more than I could feasibly offer. I put my heart into trying to make it work, doing all the soppy romantic things I thought men were meant to do to keep a girlfriend. But in the end, she left me with no real reason other than not wanting to hurt me. I now know it was because she needed a local man, and true to her past, she was back with someone a few weeks after we broke up.

    Having gone from a relationship without love, to one with apparent desire and lust, I was far too emotionally invested in what was a short term fling. I thought we'd be together forever, and stupidly stayed in contact with her, hoping she'd take me back. Now it turns out, hearing about her problems with her current boyfriend just breaks your heart even further... and I'll never forget how much she hurt me (without realising, thinking we were just friends).

    The thing is, I needed these experiences to shape me into who I am now - I found the perfect girl for me, and with my scars to bear, I hope I am neither smothering nor neglecting her. While she disagrees with my methods, having been hurt in the past, I know what I will and won't tolerate in a relationship. Although I am slowly bringing my barriers down for her, I honestly believe I am truly happy knowing that she loves me for me, and I don't have to put on an act or turn a blind eye to be with her.

    So to answer your OP Dan, I am more the second set of options:

    Are you more subtle; more reserved? Yes - I *know* I love her, but I am sometimes too weary of coming on too strong to display too much public affection.
    Do you feel the connection you have doesn't require you to say things? I don't know if it's the male psyche, but I feel like as long as we're happy, I don't need to affirm my undying love for her.
    Do you hold things/behaviour back til a certain point? Yep, I am slowly lowering barriers so I don't scare her off or leave myself open to be hurt.
    Do you have a 'plan of attack' to these things? Some things just happen through discussion and behaviour - such as the first time we said we loved each other, or the first time we took the relationship to the next level. Though I will sometimes try to surprise her with romantic gestures - the only problem being long distance and lack of money stiffiling the more elaborate things...

  5. #5


    The passage below about "Love" could help you understand "Love" better. It has helped me understand that you can deeply care for people but the only person you can truly love is yourself because everyone has their own destiny and path. I guess the secret is finding a partner who is on the same emotional and spiritual path as you so the both of you can evolve together. Enjoy

    On Love

    For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
    Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
    So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

    Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
    He threshes you to make you naked.
    He sifts you to free you from your husks.
    He grinds you to whiteness.
    He kneads you until you are pliant;
    And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

    All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

    But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
    Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
    Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
    Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
    Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
    For love is sufficient unto love.

    Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
    But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
    To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
    To know the pain of too much tenderness.
    To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
    And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
    To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.

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