I don't know if this is in any way related to "being AB/DL" - in fact, I think it is not. Still, I'd like to ask if this sounds familiar. I am trying to make sense of things, and I may be way off in some of my assumptions. Please correct me if I am.*
I read about AB folk that they like to 'regress', usually way back to infancy. As I have understood it, this is a very deep desire that you just cannot deny. It seems to me like when someone feels this desire, it is as if part of them wants to be expressed.*
What interests me is how the "self" of the AB person relates to the part of them that "wants to be expressed".*
You would expect that, for that desire to be noticed, the "self" is not the same as the "baby" part. If it was, there would have been no such desire, for in that case the person would always act as a baby without being aware of it (well, if there wouldn't exist something like feedback by other persons ).
I have inattentive add, and being diagnosed has taught me a couple of things about myself that didn't make sense before. But there is still something that I have not found in other people with add / adhd, at least not in this degree.*
I have never had a desire to "act as" something that I perceived I was not. But there have always been people giving me hints that some sides of me weren't altogether "normal for my age".*
Oh, when I considered them in isolation I always rationalised them away - like "that's just my character" or "nothing wrong with that" but it just does not add up to anything like "normal" when I really think about it.*
Again, it's not that I feel any longing to be able to act in another way than I already do.*
It's that some central part of "me" has stopped maturing beyond the level of an 8 year old.*
There is certainly a link with add/adhd, because that's essentially developmental issue. But others seem to have caught up eventually.*
To me it is as if "puberty" never happened. At least not in my brain: there is nothing unusual about my body apart from the primary nocturnal enuresis (carefully using the correct term now ) and maybe that my first period came very late at 15.
There's also nothing immature about my intelligence. But I am absolutely clueless about group dynamics: a psych I saw wanted to test me on autism until she realised that I don't show any of autism's core symptoms. I have no problem at all in one to one personal relations.
Another odd thing is that I can learn languages just like children can: by osmosis. That capacity is normally lost when the brain hemispheres start specialising.*
My imagination also works like a child's. This has really astonished me at times: I just feel the images and emotions run off with me. Imagine pulling a joke on your friend, a grown-up woman by talking to her like some do to a four year old: "Aww, you should also eat those last few peas - otherwise they will be so lonely and sad!" and then she starts to cry!*
It may sound silly and ridiculous but I'm absolutely dead serious; and it's just WEIRD if this happens without your conscious self having any say in it! I really felt so sorry for those peas
Something similar goes for movies. They just grab me, and there's no way that I have any say in it. I noticed that my physical reaction to what happens in a movie is the same as if I would experience it myself. I particularly remember one horrible movie in which someone threatened to kill someone else and my heart was going like 180 bpm, the sweat running icy down my spine. I hit the OFF switch and thought "Never again!"*
Another one. When getting to know someone younger than me, I have often felt that they were "moving ahead" where I seemed to be standing still (or moving much slower). They always passed me by at a certain point, eventually leaving me behind. It seems like I'm perpetually stuck in the same life phase.
I could go on and on. Any single one of them I could have ignored but all of them together - it makes no other sense than assuming that I am basically a child in a grown body.*
It took me so long to conclude this exactly because by themselves, these things aren't all that dramatic. Also, I don't feel any desire to be other than I am.*
This is just something that I am curious about, and it does make me feel like I'm the only one. I've never met or spoken to anyone who experienced this to this degree.*
But ok, it's not a major issue. Overall, I like myself for what I am.
Thank you for reading this far