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Thread: Forced to look at One's Own Self

  1. #1

    Default Forced to look at One's Own Self

    I've been seeing a chiropractor followed by a massage therapist about three times a week now for over a month now. What I thought would be physical healing has turned out to be mental as well. For years I haven't taken the problems that I have serious until I was forced into a state where I felt immobile to go into work. Broken, useless, and not up to my full potential. After the X-rays being taken there was the proof staring me in face, the fact that I needed help. So I put trust in my doctor that he had a plan to do just that. The crazy thing is that never in my life have I been so blown away by a place of business that truly cares about their clients. This place doesn't feel real, almost like it's a joke and one day I'll wake up to realize that. I'll put it this way, I was joking with my doctor that I doubt you ever heard this before but a part of me doesn't want to ever get better because I would miss this place too much.

    The massage after my adjustment is like entering another state of mind. It helps that I vibe with the girl very well to the point we've become friends and her favorite client in the short amount of time I've been seeing her. When you're lying on that table be it face up or down you're forced to look at yourself. Add in a second voice to the voice that is already inside in your head and you have yourself a therapy session. You talk. She talks. And the more you talk, the more you share. No I haven't shared anything related to this site for those wondering. We've been more on the vibe of past trials, music, life, and self reflections.

    I should mention I've started to bring in my own music for our sessions to share one of my passions with her. All very downtempo dub that fits the atmosphere perfect.

    There's no denying that I'm not happy with where I currently stand. Looking at her, a twenty two year old girl who is already in a job she wants to make a career of impressed me and now I find myself jealous. I've always told myself I can do better but than I let thoughts like "it's stable" trick me into staying. Am I happy though? You take such a simple and direct question that ends up being that final driving point of the answer that you're not. Where I currently stand in employment, I'm disposable. I'm mentally exhausted of feeling like that. What's the point of only healing a half of yourself when you still have another half left untouched?

    I do have some leads but for now I'm gonna lock in my five year anniversary working there which comes in June. After that I'm gonna get serious about accomplishing some goals I've left in the back burner of my head for entirely too long.

    Which brings on a question that you can participate in as well. What are your current goals? Feel free to make them life goals if you wish.

    My list in no order.

    1. Live
    2. Appreciate
    3. ...keep that frame of mind for all of the above
    4. own Krueger themed wheels
    5. make the big $, never turn into a snob as a result
    6. grow old with Noname
    7. laser ink of regrets out of my life, no more regrets
    8. never forget who you are
    9. snowboard till the day you die
    10. give thanks wherever it should apply

    Thanks for reading.

  2. #2


    Well you got me thinking now due to my own misshapps ( motocross,Bmx,general stupidity ) that the numerous injurys I've sustained over the years I now think it amazing I get up an be in he shop at 6 and dont leave until 8-9 at night lifting tools and material all over 100 lbs . Come to think of it I need to calm the doc for a check up with my shoulders and back ( fused lower 2 vertibre and shattered collerbone). I guess in my life I look to the future and block out pain until i get to my goals sorry this is a stupid rant for me

  3. #3


    i like that.

    have you ever sat down to write a five year plan? I tried it the other day and i realized that i don't know what i really want to do. I can look back on the past couple years of my life and can honestly say that i've had fun and made a lot of memories. But do i really know where i'm going? I guess it's time for some deep thought and contemplation.

    but i like what you said, "snowboard till the day you die"

  4. #4


    Quote Originally Posted by bink View Post
    i like that.

    have you ever sat down to write a five year plan? I tried it the other day and i realized that i don't know what i really want to do. I can look back on the past couple years of my life and can honestly say that i've had fun and made a lot of memories. But do i really know where i'm going? I guess it's time for some deep thought and contemplation.

    but i like what you said, "snowboard till the day you die"
    I'd say you're too young for a five year plan. Let's put this into perspective. Right now 5 years is 1/3 of your life. That's A LOT. that's like Statik planning out TEN years of his life right now. Look back to when you were ten. Could you have really planned the last 5 years?

    Right now, most things are out of your control, so a plan is pretty much a waste of time. Your plan will mostly consist of "go to school", and you may change what you want to go to school for 3 years from now. I'd say to just go with the flow, for now.

  5. #5


    I think there comes a time when you have to evaluate where you are, and then take action if you don't like that place. Personally I'm reaching that point as well, due to a mixture of bordem with not working, lack of money, and the realization that I'm not getting any younger is starting to motivate me to do something and change my lifestyle so that I will be happier later in life. I've started out by going to the gym, and sorting my diet out. I really need to get into shape so that's what I'm doing, and seeing a personal trainer 3 times a week to really motivate me and keep me pushing my limits. I want to do this because I just need to lose the weight mainly, but there are other reasons, I want to become more active all round, and take up a few activities like mountain biking, things you can't do when you weigh 20+ stone :O. But I still need to do other things, getting a job and making some money is becoming a priority as well, and so is giving up smoking :3.

    It sounds like you have an ace relationship with your massage therapist, it's always nice to strike that chord with someone, who can help you see things in a new light. I had a very similar one with my dentist funnily enough, our sessions would always over run cause we'd end up chatting about everything before and I had work done on my mouth.

    Hit 225lbs before I'm 30
    Give up smoking!
    Say yes more to opportunities, to doing stuff, and to meeting more new people :3.
    Never stop smiling, the world can be shite, but it's also a pretty awesome place at times, seek out those times.

  6. #6


    Statik, I completely empathise with you, and I give you a lot of credit for seriously taking a look at your life and taking an active role in it. Far too many people are passive in their own lives, content to just drift along as things happen.

    The thing I always say is, what's the point of life if you're not going to LIVE it?

    My story, as some of you know, is a bit more convoluted than most. After my life crashed so bad I very nearly blew my own head off, I started to reassess everything and make some changes, taking charge of my own life instead of trusting in "god" and hoping it would all work out. After a long time of searching and contemplating and soul-searching, I eventually came out, which was like seeing the world in colour for the first time and was the beginning of a grand adventure.

    But what really cemented it all in my mind was my accident. In October of 2007, I was riding my bicycle to work when I got hit by an SUV that ran a red light at 40 mph. My leg was smashed, and my doctor credits the fact that I was in the shape of a triathelete at the time that I didn't have more severe injuries. Even then, I spent the better part of three years recovering from the accident, and I came close to losing my leg three different times because of various issues. I didn't walk for nearly two years, let alone ride or hike or play DDR or do any of the stuff like that I loved to do. But, I did gain a whole new perspective on life.

    My goals?

    First, get the fuck out of my dead-end job. That happens in August.

    Second, get through school. After what will be nearly eight years out of college and working at the same company, I'll be leaving that job and going to grad school in pursuit of a master's degree in urban planning.

    From there, who knows? I've never been one to make a five-year plan or anything like that, but at this point, I've experienced directly how fragile life is and how quickly it can change... or end. I've stared down my own impending demise twice, and twice I've won. Life's too damn short to stick with something that isn't working, so I'm not going to make a five-year plan. I will make long-range plans, but if they're not working, I'll re-adjust to the current realities.

    So I guess my other life goal... Is to live life to its fullest and to never stop growing as a human being.

  7. #7


    My position is somewhat different in that I'm closing in on the end of my working life. I hope I can last three more years, and then retire at 66. Because I work two jobs, I am exhausted at the end of the day. As many of you know, when I do come home from job #2, I begin the procedure to put my wife on the dialysis machine which sits in our bedroom, sort of like the monolith.

    When I was 14, I was hit while riding my bicycle, and like xbabyx, the car was going 40 mph, stated by the police. I didn't go back to school for half a year. I now suffer the aches and pains from that accident, as well as the pains from getting older. I often wonder if I can last 3 more years.

    Even though I'm looking forward to retirement, I must work the next few years for my hospitalization, and more importantly, my wife's. Her dialysis bill comes in at $30,000. a month, if you can imagine that!

    Even though retirement looms, there are many things I regret. At one time I had a concert career. I left a very large church and moved to Lynchburg where my family grew into adulthood. My wife's diabetes deteriorated, and it was not practical to move to bigger and more professional positions. I've compensated through my writing, and I hope that one day I will be professionally published. I have changed some of the goals at my school. This year a number of the students published to Nookbooks because they had learned of my venture. They are asking me if I will teach to a class. I've also been asked to read part of my book to another English class. I actually feel very good about this, and am excited to get started. We can measure our success in life my many different benchmarks. Making a lot of money is only one such benchmark. Sometimes, it's making a difference in the lives of kids.

  8. #8


    Liking what I'm seeing here. Good list Loopy. *fistbump*

    Pretty heavy Dogboy. You carry a hell of a load on those shoulders. I can only hope when the time comes for you retire for things to slow down for you. I know it's easier said than done but just keep that head held up high. I personally have a lot of respect for you so I thank you for that.

    Would making a wonderful life for two future huskies be considered making a difference in the lives of kids? ;]

  9. #9


    statik I wholeheartedly support your revelation. The road to success is a very narrow path, and on either side is the ditch of complacency. It's very easy to get sucked into a life where you're not necessarily happy, but you're okay with it. You are absolutely right to be concerned about your goals. Figure out all the things you want out of life, and commit them to paper. Ask yourself "why?" Why do you want this; would it make you happy; what do you have to give up to get there? Eventually you'll find that some of your goals aren't really that important, and that allows you to work on the things you really want to be doing.

    Work on long-range goals as well as short-term goals. The first astronauts felt deep depression and apathy when they returned, because they had nothing left to do with their lives. You climbed Mt. what? Always be striving to do something else after you've achieved something, always have a new project lined up.

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